April | 2019 | Stifle Me Not

This week has been a roller coaster.

I signed my dissolution papers last Friday (Good Friday). Easter came and went. And by Monday and Tuesday, I was just annoyed with life. Annoyed with everything and everyone.

By Wednesday, after work, I got in my car and tears of frustration spewed out of my eyeballs. I haven’t cried in a very long time. I was just sobbing (the big choke on your own tears kind of sobbing) and screaming at the universe while driving (and tried to hide my rage and alligator tears under my big sun glasses when I stopped at red lights).

Like something had to give! I signed dissolution papers for crying out loud! I’m cutting the tie! I’ve been so patient! 1 1/2 years of living in limbo! I’m taking care of my kids! And taking care of myself! Where’s my happy prize? Where the f#$^&! is my happy prize!? I’ve prayed and hoped and tried to stay positive. I asked for a sign, or hell, multiple signs. I’m paying attention – my eyes and heart are wide open – where are my career opportunities!? Why am I getting blocked right and left every time I can see a goal????

Clearly I’ve been trying too hard for over a year, and whenever I surrender to not having a death grip on something, I’ve been getting better results than not. So I cried, and just laid low.

The next afternoon (Thursday), my friend, who is a president of a local company texted me that I could put in my notice at my current part-time job. Uh, what? We already had a scheduled meeting for lunch on Friday. Just a little background on this friend – he reached out to me when I first moved back to my hometown. We met up a few times because he said “I need to pick your brain on some HR and training stuff.”We were pretty good friends in high school. Never dated (he dated my friends and I found him to be nice, but immature). Over the past six months we met up a couple of times, would catch up, and talk his work stuff where I’d offer him some perspectives or ideas to think about. The End.

He’d claim I was helping him a lot, and I couldn’t see how for the life of me, but whatever, I got free lunch. I was certain he wasn’t interested in me – he was married with two kids and there’s no chemistry there – never has been, never will be. Earlier this year, he asked me to apply to an HR job at his company and I declined – it was very administrative and not what I was looking for for my next job hop. The next time I changed jobs, it had to be for the right fit.

Well, on Thursday night he kept texting me about meeting some of his work colleagues when we met on Friday. Then I realized this “meet-up” was turning into an interview process. So I went, we all hit it off, this newer opportunity sounded like a good fit, and they seemed to like me. He genuinely needed me to help him take this company to the next level. He’s interested in my skills and talents. He took me to lunch and we negotiated numbers on a napkin. By Saturday night he emailed me a job offer that was exactly what I had in mind.

I accepted, asked for a delayed start date so I can figure out child care… and by June I’m going to have a real adult job again!

Let’s break this down again (because I think it’s funny):

Friday (Good Friday) – Signed dissolution papers
Saturday – I’m confused by life in general
Sunday (Easter) – I ate too much and drank wine all day
Monday – Ugh Day
Tuesday – Ugh Day
Wednesday – Scream and cry at universe b/c I’ve had it
Thursday – Magical texts that claim I can quit my job – new job on the horizon
Friday – Meet with potential new employer / Job offer negotiations
Saturday – Job offer / I accept a new job

It’s either a coincidence or, if you scream at the universe in your car, you get results. I dunno, but I do know that I’m excited and actually looking forward to this job switch. It wasn’t hard either. I gave up trying so hard, and it came to me.

Okay then, let the next chapter unfold.

Stifle Me Not

I have been awake for 2 hours now. It’s 4 AM. Full moons mess with my sleep.

I had a very anti-climatic day.

I finally, FINALLY signed my dissolution papers. He finally signed the agreement earlier in the week and I had a day off to trek to my lawyer’s office to sign my part. It was the easiest 10 minutes of my life. It’s hard to believe that the journey started 1.5 years ago.

I thought I’d be sad or something afterward. I kept waiting for some flood of emotions to hit me. I drove up, heard all the right songs on my playlist during the drive, walked right in and signed the papers, and then went and got some lunch. No regret. No sadness. No nothing.

Now I wait. Hurry up, and wait. Hurry up, wait.

Story. Of. My. Life. Lately.

I have to get my case number to take a parenting class. Because that really helps my kids the past 1.5 years with their uprooted lives. Luckily we’ve kept it civil around them, and I’ve learned to shut it down before it starts if an issue starts escalating. It’s just not worth it. I witnessed too many emotional outbursts and hurtful words during my own parents’ divorce. I wasn’t about to let it get to that level. Too bad the county couldn’t offered credit for that real-life experience.

I think my kids are in a happy place right now. I’m sure they would love to have us together all the time, but they are doing well in school and have smiles on their faces more often than not.

So I have to take a parenting class and wait for the court date. It has to be within 90 days, so I guess I can look forward to being free and changing back to my maiden name before the end of summer.

Now I find myself in a state of “Now what?”

Weird. I waited so long just for him to agree and now I’m disrupted by the change of being out of that rut.

I feel, like, hopeful.

Stifle Me Not