Category Archives: Old Patterns

The Pattern Continues

Dating, Old Patterns, Trust

Every time I date someone for a couple of weeks and it doesn’t work out, the same pattern unfolds: I get annoyed, I withdraw, I try to act like everything is fine, I focus extra energy on my kids, work, working out, I overthink and write in my journal A LOT, and I can’t sleep well.

Then, as suddenly as it started, it ends. It’s like another cycle is complete, yet again, and I’m free to live my days in my usual ways. I sleep well again and don’t overthink a damn thing.

Not. A. Damn. Thing.

It’s like sidewalk chalk that gets washed away by the rain. No evidence in sight that it was there. It astounds me how indifferent I can feel about a person today, who just a week ago made me smile or laugh or cringe or cry or otherwise invoked any feeling whatsoever.

On the flip side, I can go from completely fine with being single for weeks, or months, with no care in the world to meet a soul. Then something will trigger me to “try” again. It’s like a hidden switch is flipped. And as suddenly as my life returned to the simple routine life I know so well, it flips back to the wild unknown of the dating world.

If you’ve been reading my posts, you know I must be a glutton for punishment since I keep jumping back into the dating pool. Like a freakin’ idiot. I never know what will trigger me to try again. It’s so random.

My latest trigger was my crazy ass neighbor, Angela. Angela moved in next door last year. She is a working single mom of three kids. I’m a working single mom of two kids, and at first I was very interested to meet her, thought maybe we’d have something in common and could hang out.

Nope.

I can’t stand how loud she talks, how she screams at her ex on the phone in her garage, how she yells at her kids after 9 PM in the back yard, or how her parents come over and help her with every little thing. My daughter and I exchange raised eyebrows each time we hear her voice echoing through the neighborhood, and we’ve given her the nickname “Crazy Angela”. Angela and I are very cordial to one another, but I our vibes don’t match up. She is one neurotic & passionate lady, full of the delightful kind of drama that I automatically repel, like oil and water. We simply aren’t matched to be friends. We casually say hi when we’re outside and go about our own business. No need to drink wine on the deck and share life stories.

I noticed an orange Jeep parked at her house on a few occasions and didn’t think much of it at first. Until one weekend I was home alone and noticed the Jeep never left. Then I saw a guy on her deck one morning when I was out doing yard work. Ooooh, Angela has a new man!

Welp, fast forward a couple months, and I started to see the orange Jeep more often. It seemed to appear when her kids weren’t around, and it disappeared by Sunday evening. Just in time to avoid the kids! I was so proud of Crazy Angela. There she was getting her groove on and living her best life.

After my last debacle of a dating mess, I swore off men and went back to church. I figured I’d better raise my own vibe a bit if I want to attract someone that isn’t a lying, cheating asshole. So, I’m still going to church. And, for the past month I’ve been too busy to think about dating. Work has been busy, the kids started back to school, and it hasn’t seemed like there’s enough hours in a day. Then one night, I got home from work and see the orange Jeep parked next door. And I see Crazy Angela’s kids playing outside. I see Crazy Angela, her new man, and her kids all playing together. He met the kids!

What the heck? Angela and her new man are getting serious?!

I noticed, but that wasn’t my trigger. That same night I took my kids to a store. As we pulled out of the driveway, I see Crazy Angela again with her new man, close together in her garage, as she was leaning up to give him a kiss.

And there it was. My trigger.

I couldn’t stop thinking about how Crazy Angela had a man and I didn’t. Jealousy isn’t good. It’s bad bad bad. I don’t even like Angela, so why is this bothering me? I also didn’t feel good, and that added to my brain chaos and feelings of wanting more. I’m so sick of doing everything on my own. I just want someone to rely on, someone I can call, someone I can have over and hang out with until the sun goes down.

So after having an internal meltdown, I gave myself a pep talk. “Go get yours. Your dating app subscription expires Sept 4th. No one is forcing you to keep it paused right now. “

I flipped the switch. That night I played Candy Crush and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up to a comment on my profile, from a guy I’ve seen on the dating site, and thought about “liking”. I don’t usually make the first move. I let the guy do that. And he did. I didn’t respond that night. I was too tired, and wasn’t sure how stupid I was being by letting Crazy Angela trigger me into reactivating the pits of hell on my phone again.

On Saturday morning I woke up and stared at his comment while I drank coffee. Do I, or don’t I? Every time I jump into the wild unknown, I end up with… see first paragraph of this blog post.

I’m so sick of the dating cycle. So sick of it. Not starting before it’s even begun is the perfect way to break the cycle, right? I couldn’t answer that question. I’m not sure there’s a right or wrong answer.

I responded. And we proceeded to message each other for the next 3 hours. I learned quite a bit in Day 1, and I brought on the hard questions on Day 2. He answered them all quite well. We’ve made it to Day 4 of as regular texting buddies. Usually the next step is meeting. He hasn’t asked me that yet, but I have a feeling it’s coming.

I’ll let ya’ll know if the pattern repeats itself. The spell has to be broken at some point, right? I don’t know the answer to that question either.

Stifle Me Not

Stop the Insanity, Jesus Take the Wheel

Dating, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift, Taking Charge

According to Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, there are three basic definitions of insanity:

1 dated : a severely disordered state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder

2 law : unsoundness of mind or lack of the ability to understand that prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or that releases one from criminal or civil responsibility

3 a: extreme folly or unreasonableness
the insanity of violence
His comments were pure insanity.

3 b: something utterly foolish or unreasonable
the insanities of modern life

I decided that 3b applies to me. This year, definition 3b must be me. And if it isn’t 3b, then it’s overridden by definition 1 or 2.

When you’re a decent woman, with children and a valuable lifestyle to protect, continuing to date after a few bad dates seems… a bit insane. After reflecting on my past two years of dating, I’ve come to this conclusion: It’s not good. It’s very very bad. If I’m not insane, then I’m quite unlucky. And it’s time to question my role in all of this.

2022 dating:

  • In July, I had four lovely dates with the The Noble Nomad who worked a great job, traveled between two states to be a great father to his son, he didn’t drink or curse or speak ill of anyone, he was intelligent with a growth mindset, and he loved sunsets. He also wanted to “get romantic” with me and still “get to know” other people he was meeting through his dating app… in whichever city he happened to live in each week.
  • In June, I went on two dates with the The Guarded Hat Man, who basically got to know me just enough be life long texting buddies, tell me about the love of his life that he’s never gotten over in 20 years, and wouldn’t disclose the status of his hairline under his ball cap.
  • In May, I had the memorable one date with The Drunk Vampire, in which he bit me and left me stranded at a winery in the middle of Amish Country (albeit my wise choice to be left behind).

Each of these scenarios could be seen as a standalone isolated instances, but I get the clue — I’m clearly not attracting the most stellar gentlemen. If I’d only been dating a year, I’d give myself a break… but then I remembered my track record the previous year.

2021 dating:

  • Winter 2021, there was Lazy Pothead Stinky Cologne Guy. He had a decent job, similar views, was nice and calm – but he routinely got high on his couch with his dog during non-work hours and wore really really bad cologne.
  • In Fall 2021, there was the Personal Trainer Gone Mad Man. He was a big deal once upon a time, and at first he beamed with his residual confidence from days past. However, unbeknownst to me, he recently acquired some health issues, which led him to snap in emotional outbursts. And sadly, he thought he was entitled to do so, with no accountability for his behavior.
  • Spring/Summer 2021, there was Millionaire Buy-My-Love Man – he was made of money and wanted me to take care of him in exchange for all he could buy me – dinners, gifts, vacations, etc. Doesn’t sound bad does it? It doesn’t until you add in his loud talking voice, him constantly repeating himself, his frequent gambling addiction, his lack of physical activity (which contributed to limping and overabundance of snoring). This was all wrapped up in a nice bow of his constant mood swings.

It’s hard enough to go down Post-Dating Energy-Reset Lane once, twice, three times… but this has been ridiculous. My family and friends love to hear my stories. They think each date “fail” is so hilarious. And they all say the same thing: “I’m so glad I’m not dating these days.”

After the sixth bad egg (for me) in two years, I decided I have to do something differently.

I can turn off my dating apps and hide in my house? Nope, I’ve done that. I can try a different dating app? Nope, have done that and each app seems to have the same characters trolling around. I can go to the bar? Nope, I barely drink anymore and I have two kids. That one doesn’t work anymore. I can look for hot daddies at the grocery store? Um, no. I can get set up with someone from one of my friends? Nope, no one seems to have anyone that they can (or want to) set me up with.

I did the only thing I could think of that I haven’t done in awhile: I went to church.

I go every so often, but not enough to be considered “religious”. I grew up going to church regularly, but strayed after moving away once I graduated. I had both of my kids baptized, but I don’t routinely make them go to church.

I decided it’s time for a change. I needed to feed my soul with something different altogether and see if it helps me help myself. Never mind attracting a man. I can do that part, I’m just not attracting the right kind. Apparently, I’m bad at this. Very very bad at this. God is going to have work his divine intervention to redirect me.

Jesus, take the dating wheel, I’m done.

Stifle Me Not

Dating is Stupid

Dating, Honesty, Learning, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift

Dating is stupid. It’s a rollercoaster. So is life, but whatever. That’s besides the point. I’m mad about dating.

3-Date Guy turned into 4-Date Guy by the end of last week. He asked me out on another date before my kids returned from their vacation. He said he wanted to squeeze in as much time with me as possible because we’d both be busy in the weeks ahead. That was so attractive. Finally, a guy who was planning ahead, liked me, and didn’t play any games. He took the initiative to see me as much as possible, without making me second guess. Lovely.

It was a great 4th date. We went to an art museum, then to a minor league baseball game. There were fireworks after the game. It was one of those rare hopelessly romantic nights. The night was full of great conversation, good vibes, and all of the hopes that go along with new dating.

He let me know he’d be going to North Carolina that weekend to get his son. 4-Date Guy lives in Ohio (as do I) and his ex moved to North Carolina with their son after getting divorced. They have 50/50 custody and he basically lives part-time in Ohio and North Carolina, constantly going back and forth. He works remote, so it doesn’t matter where he works. He set himself up to be as flexible as possible to accommodate being with his son. Got it. Makes sense. What decent father wouldn’t make all the effort in the world to be with his kid?

At first glance, dating someone who is in another state part-time could seem like a challenge. I didn’t give it much too much thought because he said he still very much wanted to be in Ohio since his family and friends are here. I don’t need to be with the person I’m dating 24/7, so this actually appealed to me for a moment. I like my freedom and space just as much as the company of another. What I like is consistency of communication. I don’t need to be smothered by another person on a daily basis.

After the 4th date, everything was positive. That was a Thursday. On Saturday, as he was driving down to North Carolina, he called me. We had a nice chat, he said that he’d be back in Ohio with his son that same week and he could get his mom to watch his son one night. He asked if I want to get dinner again one night. I said that would be great. He suddenly said a tunnel was coming up and he knew the call would drop soon. So we said good-bye.

He called back 5 minutes later. He said he was out of the tunnel and felt bad getting off the call so fast, and that he wanted to say good-bye properly. He then said he missed me and I made him happy. I hung up the phone, grinning ear to ear, squealing like a little girl.

That was Saturday afternoon and I knew he’d be busy from then going forward. On Sunday it’s like he disappeared. My life didn’t stop. I got my kiddos back and life kept going as usual for me. It felt odd to go from two weeks of non-stop texting back and forth with him to a cold turkey stop. On Monday, there was little texting, but I knew he was driving back to Ohio with his son.

On Tuesday afternoon, there was a little back and forth texting followed by, what I like to call, a text bomb:

“By the way, planning out the week, it doesn’t look like there will be a good night for the two of us to get together. Sorry if you already carved out the time… [for someone to watch your kids].”

Deep breath. How to do I respond to this? Quite frankly, I’m annoyed. I have two kids and can make time to text and call and even to go out for dinner sometimes. He has one kid and the world stops.

WTF? (like I said, text bomb)

This is a bigger red flag for me than him wanting to get a hotel room on Date #3. I can handle the male desire to get frisky too soon, and set a boundary about that. But I do not have the patience to be put on a shelf every other week because you can’t multi-task when your kid is around. I don’t need to meet his child anytime soon, we don’t need to meet in-person when his child is visiting, but you can certainly send a text and keep getting to know each other in the meantime, right? Right?

The answer is yes, yes you can, and I know that clearly. My response: “Oh that stinks, but I get it”

Actually no, I don’t get it, but I don’t think it’s worth it to confront this unless I’m given more context than that. Actions speak louder than words.

Maybe I didn’t make enough of an impression in 4 dates. Maybe he’s a coward and doesn’t want to change. Maybe he likes me when he’s single, but not when he’s in dad mode. Maybe I’m jaded and make up excuses for people too often, and then I get pissed when things don’t work out. Maybe I’m a fool because I rush in, or maybe I’m brave because I walk away. All I know for sure is if I’m making an effort, someone else should be too or dating them is just plain stupid.

Stifle Me Not

Owning It

Dating, Healing, Learning, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift, Self-Awareness

After publishing my last post, I overanalyzed everything, like I always do. But then I stopped and just took action. If something is bothering me about someone I’m attempting to date, I need to talk to him, not bash them to the Internet in an anonymous blog and expect to see results.

My past experience with my ex-husband was, if I told him something was bothering me, he would turn it around and somehow make it my fault. He would never own that he hurt my feelings, even if it wasn’t the smallest little thing. He was a master manipulator. I didn’t realize that fun fact until it was too late – until I was nearly out of my mind crying everyday and heading down the fast lane to divorce. I had built up tolerance to this kind of manipulation, and learned techniques to avoid it. I developed a strong sense of what would trigger him, and would prepare myself for for his cool, calm, thoughtful response to me being a “crazy” person. Some call this “walking on eggshells”, but I just thought it was normal.

Fast forward to my new dating life. Now, when I need to confront a man about his behavior, I try to think of every angle why I may or may not be right or wrong before I push the issue. The only problem is I don’t know these men like I knew my ex-husband, so it’s harder to prepare for their reaction. If I have to put up a boundary, it doesn’t often end well. They typically get upset, even if they apologize quickly to save face, and the relationship doesn’t usually go much further after that. There’s something about putting up boundaries that pushes people away.

But then I realized, isn’t that the point? I’m always so careful about what I say and how I say it, all so I can continue to hold on to someone or some situation. But why?

This time I figured I’d rather be called crazy and quickly move on from this guy than disrupt the hard-earned peace I’ve been working on for all these years. I’m all about not wasting time, keeping it peaceful, and doing what’s best for me these days. Finally, after all of these years I just don’t give a damn.

So I let 3-Day Date Guy know I was very bothered by the context of his call on Sunday evening. I told him I was trying to dismiss it and make excuses for him, but it kept nagging at me two days later.

I braced for the blame. I was ready to retreat. I prepared for this to be the beginning of the end of yet another post-divorce relationship that barely got off the ground…

…but to my surprise, he didn’t hesitate to apologize, and he owned his actions.

He seemed genuinely sorry about making me uncomfortable, and asked if we could talk more about it that evening. He promptly called me that evening, apologized again, and we talked through it. He didn’t just apologize and move on, he actually dug into it, explained himself a little and owned it. Owned it.

I was pleasantly surprised. And I was relieved. And I was happy to be getting to know someone like him.

And then I was sad. I was sad for myself that I stressed about speaking up in the first place. And sad for my past self that I ever got to a place where I couldn’t be myself.

And then I was proud of myself for doing things differently this time. And finally seeing different results. You attract who you are. And I’m finally attracting a different type of person in my life to allow me to be who I am becoming.

We may become a couple, we may not. That remains to be seen. My goal these days is not to hang on to old ways that didn’t serve me, but to own and follow through with what’s best for me.

Stifle Me Not

Quality Time

Dating, Honesty, Hope, Learning, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift

You know when you just know?

After my sniffling meltdown on my drive home from my last date, I perked up the next day. I can’t stay in that negative space for long. The next day I felt the residual effects, but I concentrated on getting my kids back. Once they came home from their dad’s, they lifted my spirits. My little lovebugs were chatty and tan, and they kept hugging me because they missed me so much. My priorities. I don’t like wasting my time on things or people who aren’t my priorities.

I exchanged a few texts with The Brooding Man I was attempting to date on Friday and Saturday. And then I had a little light bulb moment. After three weeks of observing his behavior, I caught on to a pattern, one that mimicked a couple guys I’ve dated in the past.

It goes like this: He works his butt off to the point of exhaustion. This typically gets my attention as a good sign, but I’ve come to find this can also be used as a distraction to deal with… well, life. He works his weekday job and then always has something he’s preoccupied with after work until he finally sits down in the evening and marinates in his exhaustion to doze off early. On the weekends, he also becomes preoccupied with a project, but its tenfold. His weekend evening routine is similar. He’s so tired he has no down time to think or form relationships with anyone. Just to sleep and do it all again the next day.

This annoyed me at first, but then I thought Oh, he’s just hardworking, of course he’s going to be tired. And I’ve let these last few weeks slide by, not really getting to know this man because how can you get mad at someone for being tired? This seems like an innocent hard-working man problem, doesn’t it? It does, until you pair it with someone who also:

  • Claims he can’t ever sleep well, and
  • Refuses to answer any question that remotely dives into getting to know him on a more personal level

We all have nights when we can’t sleep, but to never be able to stay asleep is a sign your subconscious messing with you. If you’re a normal healthy human, you’re awake at night because you need to clear something out of your psyche or your sleep environment sucks. Deal with the crap that keeps you awake at night and you’ll be able to sleep. Speaking from experience on this one.

Similarly, we all have personal areas off limits to others at first. But this guy was extra special when I tried to veer from surface level chit chat. He did not want me to get to know him personally, and he did not ask me any personal questions either. It was confusing to go on a date with him and have him pour his heart out, but then be blocked from asking questions as soon as we were back to texting. As far as I could tell, he wanted to be safe texting buddies with a few dinner dates.

To say this guy’s dating pace was slow, is an understatement.

On Saturday night I was scrolling through the dating site and kept seeing people with prompts about their love language. I’ve always hated the 5 Love Languages book because of my past experience with it. My ex and I used it when we were trying to patch up the ol’ marriage with counseling. I couldn’t remember what my own love language was, so I took one of those online quizzes just to see. Apparently I’m a close tie with Quality Time and Acts of Service. And then the light bulb that went off earlier… it kept getting brighter and brighter…

I’m frustrated with this guy because I want Quality Time and he apparently could care less about that. He’s clearly attached to some past trauma, and no matter how understanding I am, I can’t fix it. Only he can fix it. I want and deserve Quality Time from whoever I date.

Welp, I decided to make one last-stitch effort to see if he would open up and I sent him a link to the 5 Love Languages online quiz. We’re a month into this texting-dating situationship, so I didn’t see this as crossing the line. Maybe it did for him.

That was at 9 PM on Saturday night. I did not hear from him again until 3 PM on Sunday. This was sad and amusing to watch play out. I had a hunch he would avoid taking the quiz, or responding back about it. He did just that – he waited until enough time went by so that he could send a very surface level text the next afternoon that simply said “How’s your afternoon going?”

Well, there was my answer. He was never going to open up, let alone spend any quality time with me. I responded “I thought you’d ghosted me”… and he did not respond again for a couple of hours, to which he replied “Now why would I do that?” Answering a question with a question… where have I see that before? hmm. Clearly, this is not a man equipped to deal with even subtle confrontation. I accept that.

I didn’t have the will or energy to continue. I had my answer. He was as closed off as they come. I’m no savior, and I’m not here to make it my life mission to have this guy open his heart. And I didn’t want to either.

I had many things I could respond with, but his maturity level wouldn’t have been able to handle it, so I stayed silent. This morning, as I dropped my son off, I discovered another text from him… “Morning” he wrote.

My initial thought was to text back “Nope”. But I didn’t. I will just let him feel the frustration of being too unimportant for me to waste anymore of my Quality Time on him.

Add another one to the dating dump.

I’m not sad about it. I’ve already met another nice guy who is very interested in getting to know me as I am interested in getting to know him.

Stifle Me Not

When You Try for Yourself and No One Else

Dating, Honesty, Learning, New and Unknown, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift

“The Date That Never Was” led me to almost give up on dating for the 276th time… but I left the dating app on “active” on for some reason after bidding the last turd farewell. It was pure disappointment in the days that followed, but life is stupid and doesn’t get better if you don’t try. I guess leaving it on “active” was my version of trying.

One Friday afternoon at work, I facilitated a very long group meeting . Afterward, I was spent. My energy was at zero. It was a good meeting, but I was ready for a weekend of doing absolutely nothing. I had no hopes or dreams for that weekend except to rest and play Candy Crush. After the meeting, I saw the dating app notification that someone liked my profile.

Here we go again, another one. This oughta be good…

I reviewed his profile with little to no expectations. Attractive. Check. Seemingly normal photos and profile posts. Check. And he didn’t live too far away. Check.

So I responded. And that led to some productive conversation over the weekend. Which led to him asking me out later the next week. I think this is how it’s supposed to go.

We met up at a low key restaurant one evening and spent the next three hours talking and getting fully lost in the date. It was such a pleasant date. He was talkative but not over the top, he was more attractive in person, and he paid. We both agreed we’d like to meet again. I was pleasantly surprised. I guess I’ve become pretty jaded since “The Drunk Vampire Date” over a month ago.

I drove home with a smile on my face for once, and all I could think was finally… now what’s the catch?

That was more than a week ago. And I’ve discovered the catch… he moves at a way slower pace than what I’m used to. Also, I’ve discovered that I am still more jaded about my past than I realized. This threw me for a huge loop in the week after our date. I wanted to get to know him better, but it seemed like there was stalling around every corner. I was beginning to be suspicious.

  1. I was excited to plan something in the next week or so. My kids went with their dad for two whole weeks (and he knew this), and I thought for sure he’d jump at asking me out while they’re away. Days went by, and he didn’t say anything. Not. A. Peep.
  2. His texts became less and less throughout the days. His schedule is much earlier than mine. He wakes up very early (4 am) and falls asleep pretty early (sometimes by 8:30 pm). But I started to wonder… was his schedule an excuse?
  3. I decided to get creative and asked him “what are three words your mom would use to describe you”… I just really wanted to get to know him. He came back and said “I honestly don’t know.” I was shocked. How could you not know what your own mom would say about you? I thought he was trying to get out of letting me get to know him.

I thought, because he didn’t immediately want to plan a second date, and wasn’t communicating all that great, he wasn’t interested. I get that the novelty wears off, but I genuinely thought he wasn’t interested anymore.

Yesterday, I had it. I couldn’t understand why he hadn’t asked me out, and there was no logical reason because every other asshole under the sun has come back and wanted a second date if the first one went well. So, me being an impatient one, I unpaused my dating app and drafted a message to him, basically telling him “I get it, I’ll leave you alone.”

But before I could send anything, he texted me something that made me stop in my tracks. It made me reconsider my mindset about the whole situation. I had responded sarcastically to him saying that he couldn’t think of three words his mom would use to describe him , and he said he really didn’t know his mom well even though he sees her… he said she’s closer with his other siblings that he doesn’t really talk to much either.

It occurred to me that this guy’s perception of relationships – with family, friends, or a significant other – is way different than what I’m used to in my own life. I finally let my feelings spill…for no reason than to make myself feel better, not to hold on or to make him feel bad… it had nothing to do with him anymore, I just wanted to feel better for once and voice my side.

I told him I was confused, was getting the feeling he wasn’t interested because we hadn’t planned a second date and there hasn’t been as much communication other than crappy texting. He also has kids, and our kid visit schedules have been opposite each other. Furthermore, our work schedules are different with his being much early than mine. I said our schedules are just different and it’s frustrating that I can’t get to know him better.

To my surprise, he rolled with my punches. He pointed out facts of our schedules too, without getting defensive, and reassured me that he liked me. He was very nice and understanding about it. And then he said “we have time.” I don’t know if it was the “we” part or the “time” part or what, but that helped. It just did. I thanked him for hearing me out. I was truly grateful for the way he responded. Real adult conversation.

I spent the rest of the night crying. I was happy, I was very happy. But I was sad for myself. I was upset that I have been holding in too many feelings for too many years. I haven’t found anyone that I can speak my truth to without them turning the tables on me. It’s been years and years of feeling feelings and keeping a big girl face about it. And finally, after years of doubting myself and building myself back up, all I needed was for one person to listen, understand, and accept that I had feelings (even if it was just a misunderstanding that caused them).

I’m glad \I spoke up, even though I was tempted to simply walk away. I stopped trying a long time ago, when it comes to men and dating. This time I tried, but it wasn’t for him, it was for me. Trying for yourself can sometimes be worth it.

Stifle Me Not

Not Ghosted, Just a Classic Case of Gaslighting

Dating, Honesty, Learning, Napping, No, Old Patterns, Taking Charge

Remember how I figured I was ghosted by the most recent guy I’d started dating? And I accepted and it moved on? Welp, I guess it was not the end…

Apparently, I was being given the silent treatment. For 2 1/2 days to be exact. My last form of communication with the guy was on a Thursday morning. I figured by Friday evening, with no response from him, that we were pretty much over. Because who does that? He was an insta-texter, so I knew a long period of silence meant he was either sleeping, or not happy about something. He often texted me all day long while he was working, so he didn’t let daily business stop him. And why didn’t we talk on the phone? Well because the few times I asked him to, he didn’t feel like talking. Yes, a red flag, but I’m an idiot sometimes. So we mostly texted and made plans to see each other on the weekends.

My brain already started to decompress by Friday night. I even hopped back on my paused dating site profile. After all, it had only been about 3 weeks of “dating”. We hadn’t had the commitment conversation, didn’t make it that far. I wasn’t feeling bad because I already did that for two whole days — I am done with confusing relationships. If I’m confused, even after attempting clarification, then there’s something not working. Boy was I right.

So I went to bed on Thursday and Friday nights feeling sad, just because I don’t like the dating world in general and thought maybe I’d found a nice one. But I was also relieved because I felt like a dodged a bad boyfriend bullet way sooner than later. So I did a little sulking and by Saturday morning I was in acceptance mode. I did some yoga and had some nice quiet time by myself until it was time to go pick up my kids from their dad.

On the way home Saturday evening, I heard a text notification on my phone. I didn’t check it right away because I was driving. When I got to a red light, I glanced at my phone. It was him.

He texted, “So…how was your week?”

How was my week? Well well well, we have a man here who wants to interact but not confront the actual situation. I believe when someone is trying to get a big reaction out of you and causes you to question your own reality, that’s called gaslighting. I decided this was an unacceptable response after 2 1/2 days of silence. He was trying to get a reaction out of me, and I didn’t have one to give because I no longer cared. I didn’t respond, spent a nice evening with my kids, drank some wine, and went to bed. Silent treatment right back at ya buddy. (I never do the silent treatment by the way, I think it’s awful and you owe someone direct communication, but I knew this was no longer a viable relationship).

On Sunday morning, I made a big breakfast, took a long shower, took the kids shopping a little bit, and then we came home and chilled out. I took a nice mid-afternoon nap on my couch. It was glorious. I woke up from my great nap and glanced at my phone. Oh for crying out loud, he sent a long rambling defensive text. Come on dude!

I was equal parts annoyed and happy. Annoyed, because I’ve seen this behavior before (aka ex husband behavior) and it is exhausting. But happy, because I didn’t do anything wrong, it was doomed from the start. It wouldn’t have mattered how much I tiptoed around this guy with my replies, he was going to find a way to be pissed about something. He needs endless ego-stroking, and his ego will forever act like he is the victim and blame someone else for what he is feeling. He even stated at one point “People think I’m a dick, but I’m really just confident.” No, no no.

I took a deep breath and (against my better judgement) responded to his long rambling text with my own lengthy text (for my own closure) that was full of my very constructive observations on what happened with our miscommunication and then bid him farewell told him good luck. I got an instant response from him telling me I made so many assumptions and that I only cared about my own feelings. I responded one last time “Then we’re not compatible, move on.” …. and he kept responding and I had to block him.

I shed a few tears out of pure frustration. And then instantly felt better and made dinner for my kids.

Dating is stupid. I don’t recommend it.

Stifle Me Not

Retraining My Brain to Think About Me

Learning, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift, Self-Awareness

Sooooo. I’m bored.

When I get bored, I think too much. When I think too much, I make decisions that I probably wouldn’t make when I’m not bored.

I’m trying to stop the insanity before it starts by trying a simpler approach: Let change roll in rather than pull it in.

I’m a change driver. I always have been. I know how to make things happen. It’s when I force things that it gets complicated.

I’m not saying I’m going go the lazy route and do nothing in my life. It’s the big life decisions I’m talking about. For those changes, I’m choosing to remain on the prowl and pounce during the right timing rather than roam out in the wild trying to make something happen, spinning my wheels, when it would be easier if I just waited it out in the first place.

I’m realizing too, that I’m bored because I’ve finally simplified my life. My ex added “excitement” (see: complications) to every aspect – from how I rushed to and from work, to what was for dinner, to how he judged my reactions to just about anything, to keeping me up late at night when he was out “hanging with the guys”. My life is simpler now, with less worries. I didn’t realize how “full (of shit)” my life was before; therefore, I was never bored with anything. There was always something for me to worry about.

Now I’m like “now what?” There is no urgency to please him, or anyone else. I didn’t realize before how  every response he had to something I did or didn’t do “shaped” (see: forced) all of my decisions. My ex kept me so busy with his shit that now I’m confused on how to live for myself. I suppose recognizing this fact is a first substantial step forward.

Wow, how relieving and bewildering all at the same time.

I realized my life would be simplified when I made the decision to split from him 2 years ago. But it’s 2 years later that I’m actually living my own life for me and not him. It’s 2 years later and I’m “bored” (see: not overwhelmed). I’m constantly having to adjust my perspective so I don’t force unwanted change that’s bad for me.

This lack of overwhelming complications in my life  feels like I’m waiting around for life to happen, but I have to remind myself that I’m really just adjusting my mindset to make the right decisions FOR ME without someone inflicting their agenda on my life.

It’s been difficult for me to make the smallest decisions lately – like my brain is fogged up and doesn’t know how to think for itself. I feel like a dog trained to do things a certain way for someone else, and now I’m on my own and I’m not quite sure how to navigate without watching for his response queues to guide me.

As I was typing this, my 10-year old came up behind me and gave me a hug from the back of me. I flinched. I seriously had a negative “get away” response to a very loving gesture. In my old life, I was so used a hug from behind (from my ex) being a sign of I need to stop what I’m doing and focus on him. If I didn’t comply, he would be be angry and the day would be lost to my simple desire to finish what I was doing – I could be typing an email, putting on make up, trying to pay a bill — anything he had no interest in was not to be confused with “priorities” in life (see: him). I was the selfish one, I was the rude one, I was the one that should look in the mirror and figure myself out for being so “unkind” (see: wanting to finish whatever task I was doing).

Whenever I get caught up in a decision-making cycle, I just have to ask myself: What do I want? 

Gosh, it shouldn’t be this hard. What a simple question that shouldn’t be so confusing. I guess it took me 18 years in a relationship to get this way, so 2 years being out of the relationship isn’t going to be an automatic fix.

So while I wait in boredom for the house of my dreams to surface in this horrible buyer’s market (see: wonderful seller’s market), and continue “not to date” (see: hide) in the process, I will keep retraining my brain.

I know I’ll get there. I’m a work in process for sure. My new life has already begun, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Stifle Me Not

 

Gifts Coming Full Circle

Hope, Learning, Motivation, Moving, Old Patterns, Positive Attitude, Self-Awareness, Taking Charge

This week I talked to a mortgage broker and we made a plan for when it realistically makes sense for me to get pre-approved to buy a home. I could do it now, but I have a few more things to clean up before I go that route. The daily life of living at my parents’ house has not been unbearable. I have the patience and the will power to hold out a bit longer. I have a feeling the payoff will be rewarding. That feeling usually serves me well.

In the meantime, I refinanced my car this week. I asked the mortgage broker to refer me to someone that does car loans. He referred me to a friend of his at a local bank to refinance my car at a good rate. I had to get my ex’s name off of my car loan. When I scheduled the meeting to go sign the closing paperwork, I found out that my first payment isn’t until mid-November (more money to save for a house!) and I got a YETI cooler as a gift. I had no idea about these perks, but it was a welcome surprise.

Now, I’m not here being paid to endorse YETI, but as an owner of this brand’s coffee cup, I will say that I am a fan. I love keeping my hot drinks hot and my cold drinks cold. This brand figured it out and makes quality products in my opinion.

But this situation with the YETI cooler is a bit ironic.

Let me explain.

After being together for 18 years, and married for 11, I found myself becoming increasingly stressed when it came to birthdays, Father’s day, and Christmas gifts for my ex. I have a problem with giving, and over-giving. I give too much of myself and never expect  anything in return. Even if I do expect it, I don’t express my disappointment if I don’t get it. I make excuses for others and go about my business secretly unhappy. My ex knew that. I just figured it out in the last few years. Smart manipulating guy. Naive me (I was too busy thinking of others)… but not anymore.

So one of the last time’s I was stressing about getting him a gift (I think it was his birthday in 2017), I considered getting him the exact YETI cooler (that I just received as a gift for my car loan). Giving big nice gifts had become my thing. I felt like every year I was trying to outdo the last gift that I gave. But each time I would surprise myself and think of something even grander that he would love. And he did, he loved all of it. Well that year I looked into buying him a YETI cooler, and I was about to buy it. I had it picked out and was about to buy it online. But I didn’t. Something was off. I just thought  I shouldn’t spend so much money that year for some reason. Again, a little later I was at a sporting goods store and had the YETI right in front of me and almost bought it. Again, something was off. I don’t remember what gift I ended up getting him, but it wasn’t that. And I wasn’t excited by his reaction when he opened whatever it was that I bought, but I didn’t care for some reason.

I remember thinking later that I’d wished I had gotten the cooler because I wanted it. But whatever, I figured I’d just saved some money and moved on with life.

So now here I am in present day, and I’m relieved that I didn’t buy that damn cooler and listened to my gut. That small little whisper that says “hey, you, what are you doing?”… that little nagging thought that is surrounded by question marks and a weird feeling in your belly…

I recently listened to it again when that asshole was trying to talk me out of buying a home where I’m presently looking. And instead of giving into my frets about him trying to sway my decisions, I called a mortgage broker, which led me to the place where I refinanced my car, which led to my own free YETI cooler and more money for me to save toward my future home.

I’m going to buy a great home, and I’m going to throw a house-warming party with lots of ice and drinks in my YETI cooler.

I’d say this wasn’t just some coincidence. I see you God and your universe angels, quietly looking out for me. My eyes are wide open.

Thank for these gifts that promise cold drinks and peace of mind.

Stifle Me Not

Good-bye Old Patterns

Dating, Old Patterns

I’m 40 and I’m finally somewhat happy.

I say “somewhat” because I feel like I have a new life that is just beginning. There’s more to come. But I’m pretty freakin’ happy considering how my life was since October 2017. I’m in a whole new world and I like it. It’ a little scary at times, but I welcome it.

I find that my path right now is to continue taking care of my family the best way I know how while continuing to be honest with myself. To not repeat old patterns and push through past mistakes. Don’t repeat the past. If it didn’t work the first 500 times, it won’t work now.

Because I’m finally single, my mind naturally drifts to a thought of “who will I be with next?”

And that is quickly followed up with “ugh, is anyone really worth it?” I get very anxious when I think of different guys and how our lives might “fit” together. Because “fit” in my mind ends up with me accommodating someone… and I’m over that old pattern.

I recently had a friend ask me if I was dating. I said I was open to it. But what she meant was am I online dating. No, no I’m not. And no, I have no desire to match myself online with random strangers at this time. It’s bad enough getting to know a semi-stranger in person let alone online. I actually missed the online dating boat by a few years. It didn’t become popular until I was already dating my ex. Then we moved on to get married. I never had the opportunity to do the online dating thing.

Now it’s normal. But I’m not there yet. I’m not comfortable or even remotely interested in it.

My friend’s response to me was “Well,  you’re just gonna have to get over that.”

Do I really?

I’m loving life right now. I don’t think I need a perfect stranger to get in the way of that.

Stifle Me Not