Welp, that was short-lived. Not even a month has gone by and the last “relationship” is already done. I hung out with the guy from the dating app more last weekend. It was a very nice time. He seemed just as interested and engaged in everything as much as I was. We went for a hike, he cooked steak for me, we napped on the couch, we had lots of comfortable conversation. It was the perfect cool fall weekend dating scenario. I guess it was too perfect.
As I was hanging out with him the past couple weeks, I discovered that he is not physically well. He hadn’t been well in a year or so. He even had an upcoming surgery scheduled in the next month. He apparently has good days and bad days. I guess I was hanging out with him on his good days. I left his house with visions of our next cozy weekend together, and there was NO indication that we wouldn’t be hanging out again. We even had planned a date night for an event in about two weeks – I had a sitter lined up and everything.
On Monday, I noticed he wasn’t texting as often as he had in the weeks before. But I don’t often text much either when I get busy at work, so I wasn’t going to overthink every time lapse in between text messages. By Tuesday, I realized he was being very short. He was no longer asking me any questions about me. He was also being pretty negative and said he wasn’t feeling well. Wednesday was a similar type of day. I was pretty sad on Wednesday – I was sad for him not feeling well, but also sad for me, because I felt a little duped. I didn’t understand why he entered the dating world right now while his health was in the state it was in. If he didn’t feel well, how was he going to put any energy into a person he’s dating?
On Thursday I texted him “Good Morning” and he didn’t respond for a long time. And when he did, he responded negatively. He’s actually done this a few times when I’ve texted good morning, and I brushed it off. Red flag? I think so.
I asked him if I was bothering him or what was up. He explained that he didn’t feel well plus he had some family drama going on that was related to the upcoming holidays. I said ok and left it at that…BUT then he forwarded me the conversation between him and his sister to explain why he was so mad.
I read it. Okay. Got it. Made sense . Sort of. It actually seemed like she was reaching out and he was just being defensive toward her, but it wasn’t up to me to judge. I was just there to listen to him.
I was relieved that he was opening up to me after an awkward week of communication. He even said it wasn’t his intention to be short with me. I figured this was just a bad week for him, but I wasn’t sure how to navigate the conversation since he seemed so agitated.
So I asked him a few questions about the scenario with his family. Three questions to be exact. And none of these questions were too personal or out of line in any way. I just wanted to keep the dialogue going (since he just opened up about it) to learn more about him. He brought up the topic, and he was the one to elaborate on the topic by sending me copies of the conversation with his family. It didn’t occur to me that asking a few questions on the subject was out of line.
After I sent my few questions, he abruptly texts me back that he’s done talking about it, he feels like I’m interviewing him, he’s not in the mood to go into specifics, and he doesn’t care anymore. He asks to move on from the topic.
Okaaaay. Gaslighting? That’s what it felt like.
I was stunned. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I wasn’t sure if I should respond at all. I felt like I was in one of those damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t situations.
And I was.
I went about my morning at work feeling uncomfortable. And I was upset that someone I was trying to get to know was making it this difficult to have a simple conversation. I was going to text back a simple “Okay” just to ease the tension. But I’m not dating a guy to just be a people pleaser. I’m not dating someone to have a one-sided conversation where I don’t get to be curious or contribute in any way. No matter how bad of a day he’s having, I still matter. I’m not selfish and not caring. I was just asking some questions.
So I finally responded: “That’s how you get to know people better… by asking questions.”
And I haven’t heard from him since. It has now been over 24 hours that the ball was in his court. He has abandoned ship.
I believe I have been officially 100% ghosted. Even if he reached out to me by now, I can clearly see that he doesn’t have the energy or motivation to put into another human to have a meaningful relationship right now. I would have to tell him that.
I feel both rejected and relieved. I’m upset because it seemed like we had a good start, but it’s now apparent he likely wasn’t as into it as I was. I’m relieved that it was short-lived, might as well pull the band aid now instead of later. I already put in 18 years with one man that didn’t work out. This was only a little over 18 days.
If I said there wasn’t more than a couple of red flags, I’d be lying, but human nature is to hold on I suppose.
Thank you God for the brief yet important lesson.
Ghosted it is. I’ll take it.
Stifle Me Not.