It’s been a busy month: Holiday shows for the kids, Christmas shopping, attending my own work holiday party, and just very nonstop each day at work. It’s all been a good kind of busy. Productive. Fun.

I’m still living with the parents and keeping my eye out for the right home to buy. In a weird way, I’m content. Just going about my business and enjoying life for what it is.

I haven’t given dating much thought the last few months. I think about it as this big future-based event that may not happen for a very long time. I don’t even have any guys that are a crush target. That all came to a screeching halt after attending my work holiday party.

Of course I notice people that strike me as attractive, but I don’t make the move to do anything about it. Meaning, I don’t even make much eye contact so that they are comfortable enough to do something about it either. I have committed myself to looking for houses, not boyfriends. My priorities have been me and my kids. “Me” being a key one here. I have a history of putting everyone else above me, so stopping to consider “What do I really want?” whether it be how I spend my time, what I choose to eat, what I want to read, etc. is a big deal for me. It’s been all about me as I make sure my kids are well taken care of.

So I attended my work holiday party without a date last weekend. Not sure who I would’ve considered taking – no options anyhow. Going alone allowed me the freedom to mingle as I pleased. It was a nice event. The owners are very giving. As the night went on, I ended up next to one of the directors. He’s single, just a few years younger than me, attractive, nice, and has an intriguing personality. I’ve interacted with him quite a bit since working at this company and had a thought or two about him, but nothing that took over my brain much. Just fleeting thoughts.

As the drinks kept flowing, so did conversation, and I found myself drawn to him. And caught him looking at me too throughout the night. Of course I was at a work event, so I was maintaining a professional composure no matter how relaxed I was feeling from the many vodka-sodas. Eventually he headed back to his hotel room (at a neighboring hotel) with his team. I hung out for a little while longer as I ignored the loudness of the intoxicated inappropriateness that was unfolding as the clock moved past midnight. By 12:30, I gave one of the bosses a high five and quietly headed out of the party to my hotel room.

My hotel room was my safe spot to kick off my shoes, hydrate, and pass out. I had a complete plan to sleep in since my kids were with grandma and grandpa for the night and morning. That didn’t happen.

I woke up around 5:30 am and thoughts started swirling around my brain. I never fell back to sleep. I was thinking about my co-worker like a stupid crushing teenager. I was feeling both excited and fully annoyed with myself. Ugh, no.

I finally decided sleeping in was not an option. I got out of bed by 7:30 and packed up my stuff. I checked out of my hotel room about 8 and managed to only encounter two other co-workers on my way out. I couldn’t interact with humans that I worked with anymore. I headed home in a fog as a slew of crush what-ifs sabotaged the content little world I have been in for the past few months.

By Monday morning at work, I had already self-talked myself out of my little crush by then. I was proud of myself. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need a younger guy sweeping in … he doesn’t have any kids, he wouldn’t possibly know how to interact with my kids. I need to be all about me and my kids. My self-talk convinced me to just stop overthinking.

Later Monday morning, my work phone rings. And I see my 24-hour crush’s name appear on the caller ID. Heart skips a beat. I’m 15 years old again. Damnit.

I answer as I usually would. We small talk as we usually would, and he proceeds by paying me a compliment about how I handled a scenario with one of his employees. I thank him for sharing the good news and we hang up. And all I can think to myself is that he used it as a reason to call me. But I don’t care, it was nice to hear, and … nice to hear his voice.

Damnit.

Before I know it, it’s mid-afternoon and I’m engrossed in a spreadsheet. My work phone rings…it rings all day, so that’s nothing usual. What is unusual is he’s calling me again. Twice in one day? He’s calling me to ask me about a work event that’s happening the next night. Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to his question but direct him to who does… and that person reports to… him. So, he should’ve known to call that person, right? I sense discomfort in his voice as he thanks me and we hang up.

And now I know he made up a second reason to call me.

And I’m excited about it.

Damnit.

I’ve got myself a good old fashioned crush attack.

Stifle Me Not