Category Archives: New and Unknown

Adapting to the Change

The world has quite literally changed for me, and the rest of the world, in the last month.

I moved into my new house on March 5th. Everything went smoothly. I’ve been enjoying every last drop, from unpacking boxes to buying little odds and ends for the house to getting rooms painted. Then there was the experience of  sleeping here the first night. That’s always an adjustment – new home noises. It took me a few nights to realize what was the refrigerator vs. the furnace vs. the siding being rattled a little by the wind outside. I’m enjoying each noise as they become more familiar.

What I never expected (nor did anyone else), was that I’d move into my new house and within ten days would be part of a global pandemic.

Although this is a horrible situation, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere better than in my own at this time.

I physically went into the office to work up until schools closed.  That first Monday of school closing, I worked remotely with my kids at home. It was hard, but I couldn’t bring myself to take my son to day care even though it was open. And my daughter wasn’t feeling well. She actually had me worried because she had flu-like symptoms, but she’s been improving throughout the week. The kids both went with their dad on Tuesday. I went to work on Tuesday and Wednesday, and finally decided it was best to work at home going forward. No one disagreed and so I’ve been pretty much social distancing myself from the world as much as possible.

I’ve been ordering my groceries online and trying not to watch too much news. I ordered my lawnmower and hedge trimmer online. That was delivered the other day. I have a feeling I’m going to be in my yard a lot this spring and summer. Might as well have the right tools to take care of it. I’m trying keep busy during the day. It’s easy when I’m working because I can just focus on my work, but I was a bit of a slug this Saturday morning and finally gave myself a little kick start so I don’t just sit here and atrophy into the crevices of my sofa.

I went on about a mile walk around the neighborhood. I painted some primer in my first floor half bath. And then I started peeling some wallpaper in my kitchen, so I’m ready to paint it when the rest of the world is open for business again.

When the rest of the world is open…

I feel so calm. I feel like this is all happening for a reason. I feel like it’s about damn time life is about caring about others. This is all horrible, but I do think there’s a reason. It’s like everyone just woke up after 20 years of being in an individualistic me-me-me reality, hiding behind smart phones and make up. The sad part it all of the death. Hopefully everyone begins to realize, sooner than later, that each person’s actions and lack of action, impact others. There is an inevitable chain reaction. Hopefully everyone begins to care.

And so, when the world is open again, as this new normal is upon us, I will go back out into the world, and be grateful to still be here and for those around me.

Stifle Me Not

 

One step backward, a giant leap forward – FINALLY!

After my disappointing real estate loss last weekend, I reconsidered another house I had seen.

I thought about how I initially liked that first house. It was practical and fairly updated. In fact, if I hadn’t seen the next one, I probably would’ve put an offer on it. It was smaller, but manageable. The driveway was flat, so no hill for the kids to worry about when playing basketball or challenges when clearing snow. It had vaulted ceilings, so even though it was smaller, it was more open. It has a few cosmetic fixes, but overall it had good bones. And it had the main features I wanted in a house: Attached garage, deck,  3 bedrooms,  2 1/2 baths, lots of storage space, and first floor laundry. And a manageable yard. By Wednesday I was convinced that if I didn’t go back to look at it, I might regret it and it’d be gone by the next weekend. So on Thursday I asked my realtor if I could see it again, and I brought in the wolf pack – my family.

I took my kids and my parents. When we walked in, and I felt like I unleashed the wolf pack to sniff the territory and report back. They did just that, and I watched every reaction I could. I knew deep down this was a good house. I just needed some reassurance after doubting myself for so many years.

Then we stood in the kitchen and made an offer plan together. I wasn’t in this alone like I was on the last house. I felt very sure of this move. We left and went to dinner. By the time I got home, I signed all of the purchase agreement documents and I sat and waited. It was about 8:30 PM and I had no idea if I’d ever sleep that night. A little after 9 PM, the seller came back with a small counter offer, and it made sense. I accepted.

And just like that, I bought a house.

I have been living with my parents for a year and a half. I almost never thought this day would come. Not only is it a great house, but it is in the same school district, so my daughter will not have to change schools. And my son will start elementary school in the fall in a school district that I know and love. I will be 5 minutes from my dad and my brother. I am 5 minutes from the grocery store. My work is about 25 minutes away. This is all new and exciting, yet I have a my comfort zone not too far away.

Throughout the night of excitement of buying a house, my stepmom asked about several items that were left in the house – shelves, tools, some small furniture items, a trash can, etc. The realtor said that it will all go. But after checking with the seller, it turns out that she is out of state and she intended to leave all of these useful items behind to the buyer. Me.

While many people may not need things like tools, or shelves… I was elated. I am starting from scratch. When I move, I have to buy new furniture – I don’t have a good couch or even beds, and many other items that I can’t even think of right now. I have a small storage unit that has been full for over a year, and once that is unloaded, that is all that I have.

That night I went to bed in awe, with a smile on my face, and a warm heart. Things that are meant to be are easy. This house was easy to get because it made more sense for me. The other house I thought I wanted would’ve been too much work for me to take care of. Things are working out in certain ways for a reason. I’m trying to trust the process.

Tomorrow is the home inspection. And after that I wait for my closing date to be scheduled.

The possibilities are endless and I cannot wait to get started on this new journey.

Stifle Me Not

 

Moving Forward… Stalled

Argh. I’m trying to initiate some life changes and it’s not working. Try, try again.

Before I talk about that, let me first stay that my Crush Attack from my previous post has been my own personal roller coaster ride that has gone something like this:

He’s cute. I wonder if he likes me. I bet he thinks I’m cute. He’s never been married. He doesn’t have kids. He must be immature. He sucks. I’m stupid for even thinking about him like that. We work together. He called me today and sounded cute. Maybe we’ll live together some day. How stupid is that? I wonder if he’s selfish? Maybe he’s actually a nice guy? I wonder if his family is nice. This is never gonna work.

Am I 15 again or what?

Jeezuz, make the thoughts just stop. This has been going on for a month now and I haven’t seen him since the company Christmas party. How stupid.

Anyhow, onto other life developments… I put an offer on a house today. There was another offer. I lost. I countered. I lost that one too.

Frustration at its finest.

This house was great. It was move-in ready. I am move-in ready. We’d go great together.

My real estate agent sucks. I know this. I went to see 4 houses with him today and I wanted to ditch him at each one. He is not the proactive variety and he moves at the pace of a snail. The offer process on this house went something like this:

Initial Offer

Him: The original offer was a “strong” offer. Let’s offer $XX, which amounted to $100 over asking.

Me: No, let’s offer at least $1,000 to $2,000 over asking.

Him (after submitting offer): They took the other offer.

Me thinking: No shit.

Counter Offer

Me: I’ll go up $4,000 plus pay half of the closing costs.

Him: Okay

Him (after submitting offer): It’s not high enough. Do you want to go up by $5K more?

Me: NO!

_______________

Then he came back and wanted to know if I wanted to put an offer on a previous house that I looked at earlier in the day. I told him to get me the one I wanted.

No, he’s not getting guaranteed commission today by defaulting me to second best. He failed. I need a new realtor. I’ve had him since September and not once has he proactively sent me any properties. He’ll send me properties after I’ve sent him some that I like. Then he’ll say “what about this one too?”

Bare minimum effort. I’m done with that.

If something falls through with this house that I put an offer on, I’ll have to use him if I want it.

Otherwise, I need to think through my next move. The current state of my real estate situation is not working. I am not doing this.

Stifle Me Not

Crush Attack

It’s been a busy month: Holiday shows for the kids, Christmas shopping, attending my own work holiday party, and just very nonstop each day at work. It’s all been a good kind of busy. Productive. Fun.

I’m still living with the parents and keeping my eye out for the right home to buy. In a weird way, I’m content. Just going about my business and enjoying life for what it is.

I haven’t given dating much thought the last few months. I think about it as this big future-based event that may not happen for a very long time. I don’t even have any guys that are a crush target. That all came to a screeching halt after attending my work holiday party.

Of course I notice people that strike me as attractive, but I don’t make the move to do anything about it. Meaning, I don’t even make much eye contact so that they are comfortable enough to do something about it either. I have committed myself to looking for houses, not boyfriends. My priorities have been me and my kids. “Me” being a key one here. I have a history of putting everyone else above me, so stopping to consider “What do I really want?” whether it be how I spend my time, what I choose to eat, what I want to read, etc. is a big deal for me. It’s been all about me as I make sure my kids are well taken care of.

So I attended my work holiday party without a date last weekend. Not sure who I would’ve considered taking – no options anyhow. Going alone allowed me the freedom to mingle as I pleased. It was a nice event. The owners are very giving. As the night went on, I ended up next to one of the directors. He’s single, just a few years younger than me, attractive, nice, and has an intriguing personality. I’ve interacted with him quite a bit since working at this company and had a thought or two about him, but nothing that took over my brain much. Just fleeting thoughts.

As the drinks kept flowing, so did conversation, and I found myself drawn to him. And caught him looking at me too throughout the night. Of course I was at a work event, so I was maintaining a professional composure no matter how relaxed I was feeling from the many vodka-sodas. Eventually he headed back to his hotel room (at a neighboring hotel) with his team. I hung out for a little while longer as I ignored the loudness of the intoxicated inappropriateness that was unfolding as the clock moved past midnight. By 12:30, I gave one of the bosses a high five and quietly headed out of the party to my hotel room.

My hotel room was my safe spot to kick off my shoes, hydrate, and pass out. I had a complete plan to sleep in since my kids were with grandma and grandpa for the night and morning. That didn’t happen.

I woke up around 5:30 am and thoughts started swirling around my brain. I never fell back to sleep. I was thinking about my co-worker like a stupid crushing teenager. I was feeling both excited and fully annoyed with myself. Ugh, no.

I finally decided sleeping in was not an option. I got out of bed by 7:30 and packed up my stuff. I checked out of my hotel room about 8 and managed to only encounter two other co-workers on my way out. I couldn’t interact with humans that I worked with anymore. I headed home in a fog as a slew of crush what-ifs sabotaged the content little world I have been in for the past few months.

By Monday morning at work, I had already self-talked myself out of my little crush by then. I was proud of myself. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need a younger guy sweeping in … he doesn’t have any kids, he wouldn’t possibly know how to interact with my kids. I need to be all about me and my kids. My self-talk convinced me to just stop overthinking.

Later Monday morning, my work phone rings. And I see my 24-hour crush’s name appear on the caller ID. Heart skips a beat. I’m 15 years old again. Damnit.

I answer as I usually would. We small talk as we usually would, and he proceeds by paying me a compliment about how I handled a scenario with one of his employees. I thank him for sharing the good news and we hang up. And all I can think to myself is that he used it as a reason to call me. But I don’t care, it was nice to hear, and … nice to hear his voice.

Damnit.

Before I know it, it’s mid-afternoon and I’m engrossed in a spreadsheet. My work phone rings…it rings all day, so that’s nothing usual. What is unusual is he’s calling me again. Twice in one day? He’s calling me to ask me about a work event that’s happening the next night. Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to his question but direct him to who does… and that person reports to… him. So, he should’ve known to call that person, right? I sense discomfort in his voice as he thanks me and we hang up.

And now I know he made up a second reason to call me.

And I’m excited about it.

Damnit.

I’ve got myself a good old fashioned crush attack.

Stifle Me Not

Facing Fears

I hate when I get like this.

By this, I mean, in my head too much.

My kids have been with their dad for the past 24 hours and I’m not feeling well. It’s just a head cold, but it’s holding me back from caring about life.

So I did basic chores that I usually do when they’re gone and I’ve been literally staring at my iPad overthinking life for entirely too long today. If I felt well, I’d go for a walk or go shopping, or even attempt to interact with some of my family members. But it hasn’t happened. I’m still sitting here not feeling well and thinking too much about the shoulda coulda woulda scenarios in life.

But my thoughts are stemming from earlier in the week when I was just mad at my current state of existence. I always feel like I’m in a constant state of trying too hard. And when I don’t try, I feel lazy. And then I over-try not to try too hard. Constant cycle. I annoy myself. Why can’t I just be happy with myself as is?

I’m trying (but trying not to over-try).

I’ve been relishing my new alone life up until recently. I’ve very much needed a lot of alone time to recharge from all of the changes in the past two years.

But now I’m getting lonely.

I don’t want lonely to get confused with desperate and then I do something stupid because I’m lonely. And there I go again overthinking how I’m already a screw-up when I haven’t even had an event to screw up yet.

I really want a new home, but I can’t help but think I’m not ready yet because I’m scared to take care of an entire property on my own. I really don’t want to. I’d rather share it with someone who actually cares about me.

Then I’m all “nooo, you can do it.” And then I think back to my mom when she was just a little younger than me, trying to be a full-time working mom, taking care of the inside and outside of a house and us kids, and everything else that life threw her way… and she was a tired mess. She’s still a tired person because of all of the obligations that she has.

I don’t want that.

I want a partner in life. And I want a home that isn’t going to suck the life out of me so that my kids are left with an empty shell of a mom.

I have limits. I have boundaries. I can’t do it all.

And recognizing and admitting that to myself in the mirror today while trying to put make up on my tear-soaked eyes was terrible realization.

I was lonely in my marriage, I just never admitted it.

I’m lonely out of marriage, but now I’m admitting it. And it feels very real. And uncomfortable. And scary.

Stifle Me Not

Falling Forward

And just like the wheel is turning forward again. More baby steps into the great unknown…

I gave myself until November 1st to have a down payment ready for a house. After saving my butt off for the past two months, and venting to my sister that I can’t wait for time to speed up one night, she graciously offered me a “gift” of the rest of my down payment (and that I can pay her back as it makes sense).

Uh, what? Just like that my little sis is ready to write me a check. I would have never asked her for money like that ever. She’s the little sister. I’m the big sister. I hinted at it to my mom, and to my dad, but they didn’t bite…but I was simply whining to her, not asking for a hand out.

I took it, with full intention of continuing to save my butt off so that I can pay her back sooner than later. And just like that I was pre-approved this weekend to buy my own adult house.

The house hunting has yet to begin. That likely starts this weekend. I’m full of all kinds of emotions – excited for sure, a little scared (I’ve never owned a home on my own), and just a tiny bit anxious about the market and the pressure and the stress. I’m in a good place with my stress level in life. I want this to be good stress. I don’t want to settle. I want to make a good decision for me and my kids. I’ve been “homeless” (okay, a 40-year old living with her parents) for the past 1 year and 1 month. The time has come.

I’ve come so far. I can’t give up now. “Life’s a journey, not a destination”… yea yea, I know, but getting a nice cozy comfortable home where I can be me (and my kids can be them) is somewhat of a destination for me. It’s a destination of a new beginning. It’ll be proof to myself that I broke the cycle of bad decisions (or lack thereof) and that I’ll be living for myself, finally.

It’s the first day of fall, and I’m falling forward… It’s my own movement that will take me to where I need to be.

Stifle Me Not

The In Between of What Has Been and What Could Be

I’ve been feeling sorry for myself lately. I’m not sure why exactly. I can only describe it as missing where I no longer am even though I didn’t like where I was back then, and wishing I was somewhere else.

How stupid is that?

So freakin’ stupid.

I’m simultaneously living in the past and wishing my life away.

It’s like I miss my old life and am excited for a new one all at the same time. And I can’t make the new life come any faster without disrupting the present, and memories of my past just keep flooding back and I have to fight off the urge to sink back into the abyss of what no longer serves me. I keep having to remind myself that I’ve been rebuilding myself from my own personal ground zero for almost 2 years now. I don’t think anyone without super powers loses their own personal everything and just gets right back up again.

I’m (im)patiently trying to save for a house. I have a plan, I’m saving according to my budget. And, I’m bored. I’m so freakin’ BORED!

You’d think boredom would be the least of my worries as a single divorced working mom of two. But the restlessness of what has been and what could be are colliding into a cloud of dust, making it hard to see through what I already know. Even if what I know is that the unknown has more potential to be better than anything I’ve ever known before.

I’ve cut myself off from shopping sprees and filling the grocery cart with whatever goodies I want. Or going out with friends whenever I want (well, I don’t have many friends, so who cares). I’m on a strict budget for the next 8 1/2 weeks. I have a countdown app on my phone. Goal: I’m going to be ready to be pre-approved for my own big girl house by November 1st.

If I can’t save a shit-ton of money in the next 8 1/2 weeks, then I have learned nothing in the past 2 years. I have been forced to live on a minuscule budget on unemployment for months at a time.. I know how shop for the bare minimum and make ends meet with gas and groceries. I know how to forego the extras on my debit card. I know how to be bored and entertain myself with a WIFI connection or even just a pen and paper. I feel like I’ve been training for this speed budget plan all my life and I can’t give up now.

Why now? Why not a few months ago? Well, a few months ago, I finally got a job. I finally got to buy myself some basic clothes that fit me. I finally got to spoil my kids a little bit. I finally got to taste the fruits of my hard labor from switching careers. Now, it’s now or never. I can live with my parents for months and months more and save slowly, or I can speed save and get the f*&k out.

We’re all sick of each other. No one is saying it. No one is at each other’s throats. You can just feel that it’s time. My kids know it’s time. If I can get pre-approved by Nov 1, I could be moved into my own little piece of heaven by Christmas. A girl can dream.

Stifle Me Not

 

 

 

Irreplaceable Me

My name is changed. I’ve financially stabilized myself. My kids and I are getting in a routine of back and forth visits with their dad. Everyone appears to be healthy and happy (until it’s bed time, and then let the grumbles roll). And just as we’ve finally adjusted to this new normal, to something stable and familiar, my ex decides to complicate things – this is what he does.

This week he sent me a text message saying he’s “been seeing someone” and he planned to have her over and introduce the kids to her. All of the emotions came in waves – worry about my kids’ well-being, anger that he’s choosing someone that isn’t me, and relief that he’s moving on… all the feelings wrapped up into a tangled web of past memories and future hopes and dreams. My savor thought was “you got rid of him, you told him to leave and didn’t want to put up with his shit”. Oh yea, I did.

His text came later in the afternoon when I was at work on Tuesday. I simply replied “Ok” and moved on about my day. I didn’t have the time or energy to dwell on that new development while at work. After work, I got in my car and drove off, as the tears streamed down… but only for about 5 minutes. It was weird. I thought I might be a mess. I might cry all night. But I couldn’t really cry. It was an initial shock wave of tears that just… stopped. Because, other than being concerned that this new woman will treat my kids well, I just didn’t care.

Haha, I just don’t CARE! And oh my gosh that is a great and freeing feeling.

My daughter was confused as to why I wasn’t upset when she told me about the evening that they had dinner and hung out with their dad’s new friend (aka victim). I let her know that as long as this person is kind and treats them well, it’s all okay. My daughter feels as though her dad is replacing me. He is, in his own way,  for his own selfish needs. It isn’t really about me – he really can’t ever replace me.

I always knew this day would come – when I’d have to face the fact that he’s choosing someone else over  me , but I’m irreplaceable. I assured my daughter that everything is going to be okay, and even told her that I’m “irreplaceable” as their mom. She looked at me with wide eyes, surprised at my optimism.

Knowing this man that I spent 18 years of my life with, I know that he does not change. His basic human nature is ego-driven, always, and this poor woman is now in the center of his world, which is a self-filled mess of his needs. And I am free.

Stifle Me Not

 

 

An Uplifting Ending

Today was the day. The day I’ve been waiting for since I walked into my lawyer’s office on October 30, 2017.

Divorce Day.

Okay, it was Dissolution Day. Not as dramatic, but still a milestone in my book.

My mom accompanied me on my little journey up north. It was an hour drive. I dropped my son off at daycare, then flew home to put chicken in the crock pot (because that’s apparently what you do on Divorce Day – you worry about dinner and putting chicken in the crock pot). By 7:30 AM, my mom was outside waiting in the car, and I was hugging my daughter goodbye, pawning her off on grandma for the day.

My mom and I started out toward a Starbucks’s drive-thru, only to find out that it was closed because the parking lot was getting repaved. All I wanted was coffee and a smooth ride to the courthouse. I made my way toward the highway with the vision of a Dunkin’ Donuts shop on the corner. There was a drive thru line, but it was steadily moving. I sucked up the 5-minute anxious wait in line to get each of us a coffee and finally moved toward the highway. I was feeling a little behind, but we left early on purpose, so we were actually right on time.

The drive was fine. When we got off the highway up north in the busy part of the city, my mom got anxious in the passenger’s seat. I finally made it to a nearby parking garage where we drove around for eternity looking for a spot, and almost was driven into head on by a careless man in a sports car. I pointed at him and scolded him to slow down as he mouthed “I’m sorry” from his driver’s seat. Idiot. All I could think was that this dissolution must be meant to be for us to not have hit each other.

I dragged my mom to the correct court building, made our way through the security line, and up to the 3rd floor. I located the correct court room and spotted my soon to be ex husband at the same time. He was sitting there with his lawyer. I walked up to him and said that my lawyer was picking up some file and on her way. I was relieved to have made it on time, still anxious from the parking garage, and numb to the fact that I was about to get divorced. He pointed out that I should go check in with the bailiff, and so I did. I then sat with my mom on a nearby bench as she chattered at me about her dogs and other things that didn’t register fully. I was slightly annoyed that my lawyer was late (even though she really wasn’t). I just wanted it all to be over.

I finally saw my lawyer happily strolling down the hall toward me. This was only the second time I’d met with her in person. The first time was October 30, 2017. The second time now on June 4, 2019. She had the required paperwork with her, her and my ex’s lawyer conversed, and she had me review and sign a few papers.

Then we waited some more. I’m now an expert at waiting after the past year and a half.

Finally we were called into the courtroom. My lawyer and I sat together on a bench behind my ex and his lawyer. We basically watched as two other couple’s got their dissolution before us. It was weird.

And then it was our turn. Our turn to terminate our marriage. It was fairly quick. Maybe 5 minutes. We each had to answer a series of questions. I went first. Then I held my breath as he was asked the same questions. I almost thought he was going to protest something, but he didn’t. He didn’t. He hasn’t. He never once in the whole year and a half try to save any of it. And so that was why I was there — because he didn’t try.

At the end, the judge told us something that surprised me. She said we should be proud of ourselves for getting a dissolution and not putting our kids through a divorce. And I was proud. It was a long crappy road, but I think we did do a great thing for our kids.

Before I knew it, we were ushered out of the court room and on our way to get certified copies of divorce decrees. We waited there, together, with our lawyers and my mom. It was awkward. Nothing like waiting around in a records office with your ex and some divorce lawyers. My lawyer chattered about a bird she had saved a few days ago. How were we talking about a bird?

Once I walked out of the court house and into the sunshine, I felt a weight lift. I felt very free. The drive home was smooth. My mom and I chit chatted the whole way. I wished I had taken the day off, but since I just started my new job, I didn’t want to miss a whole day already. I dropped my mom off at her car, got some lunch, and headed into work. No one in the office knew where I had been, but I felt good and just wanted to get some work done.

Leading up to this day I kept thinking that I’d feel bad somehow. I kept thinking this would be a negative experience. The whole process sucked, but this ending is not bad. It is good. It is me being honest with myself and living a life that isn’t suppressing my spirit.

Today was an uplifting ending to the start of what could not be if today never was.

Stifle Me Not

 

Appreciating My New Little World

I started my new job last week. I like it. There’s a lot to learn, but I don’t care, I’ll get there. I know it takes a good 6 months to get comfortable in a new job. I’ve done this before, I’ll do it again. What’s most refreshing is the atmosphere. The people are nice. It seems like they just want to get their jobs done – imagine that. They seem to be craving the stability of a long term Human Resources professional, just like I’m craving the stability of, well, anything in life. We’re a match right now. I’m happy to be the one they picked. I appreciate this job.

On Friday my kids went with their dad for a couple of days. And I went shopping. It was fabulous. No one to follow me around whining, and no one impatiently waiting for me at home. I wasn’t on anyone’s timeline except my own. I shopped my ass off. And apparently the clothes were waiting for me, because the majority of what I tried on just fit. I was long overdue to buy a few things that fit and make me feel good.

Last night I went to see a stand up comic with my sister and her girlfriend. It was so nice to slow down, go out to eat, and go to see some entertainment. I even wore a cute dress. My sister bought the tickets as an early birthday present for me (even though my birthday isn’t until July), but I was the third wheel straight girl.  I couldn’t help but watch all the couples. It was fascinating. They didn’t all look that happy. They looked comfortable. The girls looked dressed up for their guys, and the guys looked compliant to their girls. I felt like I was watching a pre-show before the show.

For once I had dressed up for myself and not my ex or anyone else. I’m so over getting ready for someone else. I wasn’t too fancy – it was just a comfortable black racer back t-shirt dress with flip flops, but since my hair wasn’t a mess and I had on make up and earrings, I could’ve gone to the beach or a nightclub. My goal for the night was comfort (for myself) and confidence, not “hey, look at me, I’m single, take me home now.” I chose the cute flip flops, whereas my ex would’ve begged me to wear the uncomfortable wedges. No, just no. I can’t walk in them and it looks like I’m wobbling on stilts every time I get up from a chair.

And so, I watched as different couples interacted and the girls struggled in their pretty shoes and snug dresses. Then the show started and it was hilarious. Laughter was just what a I needed. I love literally laughing out loud uncontrollably – it’s one of my favorite things. We had front row tickets and I was a little star struck being that close. It was just an all around fun time.

My original plan for the night was to go to my sister’s house and pre-drink, take an Uber out to eat and drink with dinner, then take an Uber to the show and have some drinks, and then who knows where the night would take us…

Well, apparently we (I) don’t do that anymore. The drinks didn’t flow. No pre-drinking because there wasn’t enough time. One drink with dinner, and one drink before the show. After the show, we were all yawning as we waited for the Uber to go home. That was it, and I didn’t mind one bit.

I was grateful for the lack of drinks and to be able to drive home to my comfortable bed (rather than sleeping on my sister’s couch with her cats staring at me all night).

I was grateful for no hangover this morning when I woke up.

I was grateful for not doing anything to accommodate someone else.

I discovered quite a while ago that binge drinking wasn’t fun anymore, but my ex wouldn’t let it go. He loves being out and is a social butterfly – he’s an attention whore. The only way to connect with him was to keep up with him. Now that I don’t have to do that anymore, I feel nothing but relief.

Big sigh of relief.

I like the new calm little world I’ve created for myself. I’m not living life for anyone else right now and it feels good.

New job in progress. Successful shopping trip. Comedy show with some much needed laughter. I’ve had a good weekend so far. I think I’ll keep this goodness going.

Stifle Me Not