The last two months of work has been busy and tiring. I’ve been in a continuous cycle of nonstop emails, phone calls, reporting, and just overall reacting to other people’s needs, wants, and issues. I’m in human resources, what do I expect? I don’t expect much, I get it, and I’m usually happy to do it, but burn out is real. I’m thankful the past couple weeks eased up and I felt like I could breathe again. A walk to the copier and back has stopped with me coming back to another 10 more emails to sift through.
Last Wednesday, I finally had time to go for a second mammogram. I’m the queen of second mammograms. For the past 5 years, each year, the radiologist wants retakes. And then I get the phone call and letter to follow up in another year. Until this year. This year I could tell something was wrong. I’ve also been in some pain, aside from typical tenderness. After being in the hospital breast center for an hour and a half, I was sent away without results. This isn’t typical. They usually give results in person after a follow up appointment. But today was extra busy in the breast center, so they called me a few hours later to cheerfully give me sandwich news.
What is sandwich news? When you tell someone something good, then bad, then good again… just to make it less of a shock to the system. I knew what she was doing at the first sound of her voice. Such a welcoming cheery voice. I know that voice because I do it too. I’m in HR.
The nurse informed me that the one area they imaged looked good! Followed by her cheery concern that the other area should be inspected further with a biopsy. This is when things get hazy and hearing the word biopsy gives way to future visions of a funeral and life insurance disbursements. The nurse tried to cheerily close out the call by telling me that I’ll be fine and this and that is a precaution, yada yada yada. I don’t really know what she said because it was a blur of words in an ultra-cheery tone. I scheduled it for the first available upcoming Monday to get it over with.
Monday was yesterday. I worked in the morning and went to the hospital breast center in the early afternoon. I was going through the motions. My mom insisted on meeting me there. I was so thankful for her presence. She talks a lot, which is usually annoying, but she kept my mind off the bad thoughts as she sat by my side in the waiting room. They called me back fairly quickly and I didn’t want to leave my mom’s side.
I was led back to the dressing room where I got a gown and waited. They called me back. Two nurses. So kind, so friendly, trying to be reassuring. Then two doctors came in. I had two nurses and two doctors hovering over me for an ultrasound-guided biopsy for about 40 minutes. It seemed longer than that. Once I was numbed up and realized it didn’t hurt, I calmed down a little. But my nerves were shot up until that point. I was relieved when they were all done.
But as I’m sitting up, still in relief mode, I’m very directly told that before I leave they need to get one more mammogram. Come again? I need to be squished right after getting my boob dug out? Whaaaaaaat????
And so it happened. Thank you God Almighty that my local anesthetic was in effect for the next two hours. Luckily, I didn’t feel a thing, but my brain was on overload that this was even happening after all that already happened.
When I was given the clear to leave, I couldn’t get my sweater and coat on fast enough. I shuffled back to the waiting room where my mom was happily making friends with another lady. She was calmly sitting there, and I wanted to run out into the parking lot. I just wanted out of that place!
My mom walked me to my car, and then I drove her to her car a few blocks over. I was so happy she was there. After she left, I drove myself home. I noticed my eyes were bloodshot. Probably from all the stress. I got home to my daughter hovering by the door. She was worried about me. I changed my clothes and laid on my bed.
Results are supposed to be available in 3 to 5 business days. This is Thanksgiving week. I’m not confident that I’ll hear any news this week. I’m exhausted. And I need lots of prayers because I need to take care of my two awesome kids.
Stifle Me Not