Category Archives: New and Unknown

That Scent Me Running

At the end of 2021, I started dating a guy. By the second week of 2022, I already moved on.

I guess I’m finally getting the hang of the dating game, without letting it take a toll on me. I’m letting my gut feeling take over and do the work for me. I’m tired of overthinking or pretending too long. It’ll be whatever it will be.

I went on about 5 dates with this most recent guy. That was enough. No point in pretending and getting attached for an inevitable departure. It takes about 2 – 3 dates and a week of constant texting to get through the initial “getting to know you” phase. I was feeling pretty good, but not overjoyed at this point. I felt like I had to see him again to make the call.

By the second weekend of date 4 & 5, he was trying to lock me down into girlfriend mode. He was calling me all the pet names, sending all the lovey emojis when he texted, holding my hand in public, and adding stuff to my Netflix watch list. Oddly enough, I wasn’t annoyed by those things. That stuff usually wigs me out and I run like the wind, but I hung in there. At the end of date 4, I was definitely not all in, but he called the next morning and wanted to take me to brunch. Who in the hell doesn’t want brunch?

The Problem: The bad part was I liked him, his personality, most of his values…. BUT I just wasn’t fully physically attracted to him. I was at first, I thought, but I underestimated what lack of attraction can do, or not do. Each time we parted ways, it nagged at me a little more (without me fully admitting it at first).

Lack of physical attraction messes with you. My brain and heart were all confused, so my animal instincts took over and said “nah”. Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t a bad looking guy. There’s a reason why I liked his photos and went on as many dates as I did. But man, I just couldn’t lie to myself anymore.

The Deciding Factor: Each time I was with him, I noticed he had on some kind of scent – I didn’t know if it was cologne, man body wash, deodorant or what. It actually smelled good, but only when I was with him. It’s after he left that made me insane. It was like a cologne bomb was dropped in my house, on my sofa, on my clothes, in my hair. I would ride with him in the car and sit next to him on the couch for a couple of hours and I would be drenched in man balm.

I KNOW it wasn’t that strong in person, so I’m still baffled at why it was so strong after he left.

It is like a dog marked its territory. I felt totally marked. One time I had to air out my sweater and change my top. The next time I had to completely change clothes. And the final time I was with him, I raced home, sprayed my coat in my own body spray, and took a shower. I felt like a fog of man fragrance was following me everywhere.

This was so odd. I’ve never had this problem before. I told one of my co-workers when I got in to work this week, and she simply said “Oh, if you really liked him, you wouldn’t mind his cologne”.

She’s right. The scent made me run. Maybe it was another indicator since I wasn’t being honest with myself about how not attracted I was to him?

The Solution: I waited a couple of days and let him know that I couldn’t see us moving too much further along. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I didn’t like his scent – that would be a lie, I hardly noticed it in person. I just didn’t like it’s aftermath!

Weird problem to have, I know. But I feel so much better now. Usually, after I break it off with a guy, I feel a little bad and overthink it a bit.

The Outcome: I don’t feel bad. I feel like I did myself a huge favor. I let my animal instinct track the scent and handle the problem.

Stifle Me Not

Ghosted

Welp, that was short-lived. Not even a month has gone by and the last “relationship” is already done. I hung out with the guy from the dating app more last weekend. It was a very nice time. He seemed just as interested and engaged in everything as much as I was. We went for a hike, he cooked steak for me, we napped on the couch, we had lots of comfortable conversation. It was the perfect cool fall weekend dating scenario. I guess it was too perfect.

As I was hanging out with him the past couple weeks, I discovered that he is not physically well. He hadn’t been well in a year or so. He even had an upcoming surgery scheduled in the next month. He apparently has good days and bad days. I guess I was hanging out with him on his good days. I left his house with visions of our next cozy weekend together, and there was NO indication that we wouldn’t be hanging out again. We even had planned a date night for an event in about two weeks – I had a sitter lined up and everything.

On Monday, I noticed he wasn’t texting as often as he had in the weeks before. But I don’t often text much either when I get busy at work, so I wasn’t going to overthink every time lapse in between text messages. By Tuesday, I realized he was being very short. He was no longer asking me any questions about me. He was also being pretty negative and said he wasn’t feeling well. Wednesday was a similar type of day. I was pretty sad on Wednesday – I was sad for him not feeling well, but also sad for me, because I felt a little duped. I didn’t understand why he entered the dating world right now while his health was in the state it was in. If he didn’t feel well, how was he going to put any energy into a person he’s dating?

On Thursday I texted him “Good Morning” and he didn’t respond for a long time. And when he did, he responded negatively. He’s actually done this a few times when I’ve texted good morning, and I brushed it off. Red flag? I think so.

I asked him if I was bothering him or what was up. He explained that he didn’t feel well plus he had some family drama going on that was related to the upcoming holidays. I said ok and left it at that…BUT then he forwarded me the conversation between him and his sister to explain why he was so mad.

I read it. Okay. Got it. Made sense . Sort of. It actually seemed like she was reaching out and he was just being defensive toward her, but it wasn’t up to me to judge. I was just there to listen to him.

I was relieved that he was opening up to me after an awkward week of communication. He even said it wasn’t his intention to be short with me. I figured this was just a bad week for him, but I wasn’t sure how to navigate the conversation since he seemed so agitated.

So I asked him a few questions about the scenario with his family. Three questions to be exact. And none of these questions were too personal or out of line in any way. I just wanted to keep the dialogue going (since he just opened up about it) to learn more about him. He brought up the topic, and he was the one to elaborate on the topic by sending me copies of the conversation with his family. It didn’t occur to me that asking a few questions on the subject was out of line.

After I sent my few questions, he abruptly texts me back that he’s done talking about it, he feels like I’m interviewing him, he’s not in the mood to go into specifics, and he doesn’t care anymore. He asks to move on from the topic.

Okaaaay. Gaslighting? That’s what it felt like.

I was stunned. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I wasn’t sure if I should respond at all. I felt like I was in one of those damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t situations.

And I was.

I went about my morning at work feeling uncomfortable. And I was upset that someone I was trying to get to know was making it this difficult to have a simple conversation. I was going to text back a simple “Okay” just to ease the tension. But I’m not dating a guy to just be a people pleaser. I’m not dating someone to have a one-sided conversation where I don’t get to be curious or contribute in any way. No matter how bad of a day he’s having, I still matter. I’m not selfish and not caring. I was just asking some questions.

So I finally responded: “That’s how you get to know people better… by asking questions.”

Crickets.

And I haven’t heard from him since. It has now been over 24 hours that the ball was in his court. He has abandoned ship.

I believe I have been officially 100% ghosted. Even if he reached out to me by now, I can clearly see that he doesn’t have the energy or motivation to put into another human to have a meaningful relationship right now. I would have to tell him that.

I feel both rejected and relieved. I’m upset because it seemed like we had a good start, but it’s now apparent he likely wasn’t as into it as I was. I’m relieved that it was short-lived, might as well pull the band aid now instead of later. I already put in 18 years with one man that didn’t work out. This was only a little over 18 days.

If I said there wasn’t more than a couple of red flags, I’d be lying, but human nature is to hold on I suppose.

Thank you God for the brief yet important lesson.

Ghosted it is. I’ll take it.

Stifle Me Not.

Change for the Better

It’s been almost a year since I’ve posted anything. Life has been one thing after another, but overall it’s been mostly good days with little spurts of some crap days in between. The bad days make all of the other days look like sunshine.

My outlook and perspective on the world has changed so drastically in the past year. The pandemic caused me to stop watching mainstream media, avoid fear-based everything, and not believe everything I see and hear. My political beliefs have done a literal 180. I went down a rabbit hole of questioning many things, and came out the other end wondering where the hell I’ve been for this entire lifetime. I’ve become more selective and critical about what I experience these days, whether it be people, work, music, social media … the list is endless. We’re not on this earth for very long, so I choose not to live a life I’m not loving.

Over the last year I’ve gotten to know the ins and outs and quirks about my house. It isn’t that old, but it’s on the first phase of needing extra attention after 25 years. I’ve had to call a plumber and electrician here and there. I’m finally familiar with what plants are growing in my flower beds, I’ve sprayed for spiders regularly, I have a routine for mowing the lawn, and I’m now familiar with the regular noises of my home. I’ve painted many of the rooms and tried to make it as cozy as I can. I even had a new kitchen floor installed. The next phase is a kitchen cabinet/counter top makeover along with new appliances, but I’m hoarding my money until I’m sure about what I want.

I have a good routine going with work and having two kids in school. I cook a “real” meal about twice a week and we survive on leftovers or PB&J the other days. The kids are in good spirits about regular visits with their dad. He is still the “fun” one, while I’m the one who ensures their safety and well being above all else… but I’ve become more fun as I’m no longer plagued by anxieties of my past life. I’m learning to enjoy my quiet time when they’re away and not just using all \that time to prepare for their return. In fact, they are going on vacation with their dad during Spring Break, and I’ve scheduled my own little Spring Break vacation with my sister.

I’ve started eating healthier, walking at lunch time when I’m at work, and doing yoga. Last year the pandemic started near Easter … which meant chocolate peanut butter eggs were in the house. That phase lasted through the Christmas Cookie phase at Christmas. I then saw my max weight before my eyes one morning and my inner health nut woke up.

I’ve finally acquired all of the necessary health providers – primary doctor, dentist, eye doctor, etc. I have a regular place to take my car for an oil change. And I no longer need to put on the GPS when I’m going to a store or restaurant. This area was once my home long ago has now become my home again.

Last, but not least, after more than 3 years, I feel like I’ve come full circle with the terms of being single – “single working mom with two kids”. I am enjoying who I am and doing what I want, but I’m slowly becoming open to the possibility of dating.

I don’t want to do serial dating to find “the one”. This is no longer a race of the biological clock ticking like it was in my 20s. This is a selective marathon to enjoy someone who runs my pace, is trustworthy to be around my kids, and will be considerate of my time and efforts. I’m not foolish enough to think that someone will truly put me first, because I likely won’t do the same. By the time you’re over 40, the baggage is there whether we like it or not. The question is not who can I find without lots of baggage, but rather who will support me while I carry mine? And who is worth it for me to return the favor?

I logged into WordPress to cancel my account because I haven’t written anything in so long. And somehow I just magically started typing. I don’t know what I’ll do next, but I’m sure it will be good – likely a change for the better.

Stifle Me Not

Adapting to the Change

The world has quite literally changed for me, and the rest of the world, in the last month.

I moved into my new house on March 5th. Everything went smoothly. I’ve been enjoying every last drop, from unpacking boxes to buying little odds and ends for the house to getting rooms painted. Then there was the experience of  sleeping here the first night. That’s always an adjustment – new home noises. It took me a few nights to realize what was the refrigerator vs. the furnace vs. the siding being rattled a little by the wind outside. I’m enjoying each noise as they become more familiar.

What I never expected (nor did anyone else), was that I’d move into my new house and within ten days would be part of a global pandemic.

Although this is a horrible situation, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere better than in my own at this time.

I physically went into the office to work up until schools closed.  That first Monday of school closing, I worked remotely with my kids at home. It was hard, but I couldn’t bring myself to take my son to day care even though it was open. And my daughter wasn’t feeling well. She actually had me worried because she had flu-like symptoms, but she’s been improving throughout the week. The kids both went with their dad on Tuesday. I went to work on Tuesday and Wednesday, and finally decided it was best to work at home going forward. No one disagreed and so I’ve been pretty much social distancing myself from the world as much as possible.

I’ve been ordering my groceries online and trying not to watch too much news. I ordered my lawnmower and hedge trimmer online. That was delivered the other day. I have a feeling I’m going to be in my yard a lot this spring and summer. Might as well have the right tools to take care of it. I’m trying keep busy during the day. It’s easy when I’m working because I can just focus on my work, but I was a bit of a slug this Saturday morning and finally gave myself a little kick start so I don’t just sit here and atrophy into the crevices of my sofa.

I went on about a mile walk around the neighborhood. I painted some primer in my first floor half bath. And then I started peeling some wallpaper in my kitchen, so I’m ready to paint it when the rest of the world is open for business again.

When the rest of the world is open…

I feel so calm. I feel like this is all happening for a reason. I feel like it’s about damn time life is about caring about others. This is all horrible, but I do think there’s a reason. It’s like everyone just woke up after 20 years of being in an individualistic me-me-me reality, hiding behind smart phones and make up. The sad part it all of the death. Hopefully everyone begins to realize, sooner than later, that each person’s actions and lack of action, impact others. There is an inevitable chain reaction. Hopefully everyone begins to care.

And so, when the world is open again, as this new normal is upon us, I will go back out into the world, and be grateful to still be here and for those around me.

Stifle Me Not

 

One step backward, a giant leap forward – FINALLY!

After my disappointing real estate loss last weekend, I reconsidered another house I had seen.

I thought about how I initially liked that first house. It was practical and fairly updated. In fact, if I hadn’t seen the next one, I probably would’ve put an offer on it. It was smaller, but manageable. The driveway was flat, so no hill for the kids to worry about when playing basketball or challenges when clearing snow. It had vaulted ceilings, so even though it was smaller, it was more open. It has a few cosmetic fixes, but overall it had good bones. And it had the main features I wanted in a house: Attached garage, deck,  3 bedrooms,  2 1/2 baths, lots of storage space, and first floor laundry. And a manageable yard. By Wednesday I was convinced that if I didn’t go back to look at it, I might regret it and it’d be gone by the next weekend. So on Thursday I asked my realtor if I could see it again, and I brought in the wolf pack – my family.

I took my kids and my parents. When we walked in, and I felt like I unleashed the wolf pack to sniff the territory and report back. They did just that, and I watched every reaction I could. I knew deep down this was a good house. I just needed some reassurance after doubting myself for so many years.

Then we stood in the kitchen and made an offer plan together. I wasn’t in this alone like I was on the last house. I felt very sure of this move. We left and went to dinner. By the time I got home, I signed all of the purchase agreement documents and I sat and waited. It was about 8:30 PM and I had no idea if I’d ever sleep that night. A little after 9 PM, the seller came back with a small counter offer, and it made sense. I accepted.

And just like that, I bought a house.

I have been living with my parents for a year and a half. I almost never thought this day would come. Not only is it a great house, but it is in the same school district, so my daughter will not have to change schools. And my son will start elementary school in the fall in a school district that I know and love. I will be 5 minutes from my dad and my brother. I am 5 minutes from the grocery store. My work is about 25 minutes away. This is all new and exciting, yet I have a my comfort zone not too far away.

Throughout the night of excitement of buying a house, my stepmom asked about several items that were left in the house – shelves, tools, some small furniture items, a trash can, etc. The realtor said that it will all go. But after checking with the seller, it turns out that she is out of state and she intended to leave all of these useful items behind to the buyer. Me.

While many people may not need things like tools, or shelves… I was elated. I am starting from scratch. When I move, I have to buy new furniture – I don’t have a good couch or even beds, and many other items that I can’t even think of right now. I have a small storage unit that has been full for over a year, and once that is unloaded, that is all that I have.

That night I went to bed in awe, with a smile on my face, and a warm heart. Things that are meant to be are easy. This house was easy to get because it made more sense for me. The other house I thought I wanted would’ve been too much work for me to take care of. Things are working out in certain ways for a reason. I’m trying to trust the process.

Tomorrow is the home inspection. And after that I wait for my closing date to be scheduled.

The possibilities are endless and I cannot wait to get started on this new journey.

Stifle Me Not

 

Moving Forward… Stalled

Argh. I’m trying to initiate some life changes and it’s not working. Try, try again.

Before I talk about that, let me first stay that my Crush Attack from my previous post has been my own personal roller coaster ride that has gone something like this:

He’s cute. I wonder if he likes me. I bet he thinks I’m cute. He’s never been married. He doesn’t have kids. He must be immature. He sucks. I’m stupid for even thinking about him like that. We work together. He called me today and sounded cute. Maybe we’ll live together some day. How stupid is that? I wonder if he’s selfish? Maybe he’s actually a nice guy? I wonder if his family is nice. This is never gonna work.

Am I 15 again or what?

Jeezuz, make the thoughts just stop. This has been going on for a month now and I haven’t seen him since the company Christmas party. How stupid.

Anyhow, onto other life developments… I put an offer on a house today. There was another offer. I lost. I countered. I lost that one too.

Frustration at its finest.

This house was great. It was move-in ready. I am move-in ready. We’d go great together.

My real estate agent sucks. I know this. I went to see 4 houses with him today and I wanted to ditch him at each one. He is not the proactive variety and he moves at the pace of a snail. The offer process on this house went something like this:

Initial Offer

Him: The original offer was a “strong” offer. Let’s offer $XX, which amounted to $100 over asking.

Me: No, let’s offer at least $1,000 to $2,000 over asking.

Him (after submitting offer): They took the other offer.

Me thinking: No shit.

Counter Offer

Me: I’ll go up $4,000 plus pay half of the closing costs.

Him: Okay

Him (after submitting offer): It’s not high enough. Do you want to go up by $5K more?

Me: NO!

_______________

Then he came back and wanted to know if I wanted to put an offer on a previous house that I looked at earlier in the day. I told him to get me the one I wanted.

No, he’s not getting guaranteed commission today by defaulting me to second best. He failed. I need a new realtor. I’ve had him since September and not once has he proactively sent me any properties. He’ll send me properties after I’ve sent him some that I like. Then he’ll say “what about this one too?”

Bare minimum effort. I’m done with that.

If something falls through with this house that I put an offer on, I’ll have to use him if I want it.

Otherwise, I need to think through my next move. The current state of my real estate situation is not working. I am not doing this.

Stifle Me Not

Crush Attack

It’s been a busy month: Holiday shows for the kids, Christmas shopping, attending my own work holiday party, and just very nonstop each day at work. It’s all been a good kind of busy. Productive. Fun.

I’m still living with the parents and keeping my eye out for the right home to buy. In a weird way, I’m content. Just going about my business and enjoying life for what it is.

I haven’t given dating much thought the last few months. I think about it as this big future-based event that may not happen for a very long time. I don’t even have any guys that are a crush target. That all came to a screeching halt after attending my work holiday party.

Of course I notice people that strike me as attractive, but I don’t make the move to do anything about it. Meaning, I don’t even make much eye contact so that they are comfortable enough to do something about it either. I have committed myself to looking for houses, not boyfriends. My priorities have been me and my kids. “Me” being a key one here. I have a history of putting everyone else above me, so stopping to consider “What do I really want?” whether it be how I spend my time, what I choose to eat, what I want to read, etc. is a big deal for me. It’s been all about me as I make sure my kids are well taken care of.

So I attended my work holiday party without a date last weekend. Not sure who I would’ve considered taking – no options anyhow. Going alone allowed me the freedom to mingle as I pleased. It was a nice event. The owners are very giving. As the night went on, I ended up next to one of the directors. He’s single, just a few years younger than me, attractive, nice, and has an intriguing personality. I’ve interacted with him quite a bit since working at this company and had a thought or two about him, but nothing that took over my brain much. Just fleeting thoughts.

As the drinks kept flowing, so did conversation, and I found myself drawn to him. And caught him looking at me too throughout the night. Of course I was at a work event, so I was maintaining a professional composure no matter how relaxed I was feeling from the many vodka-sodas. Eventually he headed back to his hotel room (at a neighboring hotel) with his team. I hung out for a little while longer as I ignored the loudness of the intoxicated inappropriateness that was unfolding as the clock moved past midnight. By 12:30, I gave one of the bosses a high five and quietly headed out of the party to my hotel room.

My hotel room was my safe spot to kick off my shoes, hydrate, and pass out. I had a complete plan to sleep in since my kids were with grandma and grandpa for the night and morning. That didn’t happen.

I woke up around 5:30 am and thoughts started swirling around my brain. I never fell back to sleep. I was thinking about my co-worker like a stupid crushing teenager. I was feeling both excited and fully annoyed with myself. Ugh, no.

I finally decided sleeping in was not an option. I got out of bed by 7:30 and packed up my stuff. I checked out of my hotel room about 8 and managed to only encounter two other co-workers on my way out. I couldn’t interact with humans that I worked with anymore. I headed home in a fog as a slew of crush what-ifs sabotaged the content little world I have been in for the past few months.

By Monday morning at work, I had already self-talked myself out of my little crush by then. I was proud of myself. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need a younger guy sweeping in … he doesn’t have any kids, he wouldn’t possibly know how to interact with my kids. I need to be all about me and my kids. My self-talk convinced me to just stop overthinking.

Later Monday morning, my work phone rings. And I see my 24-hour crush’s name appear on the caller ID. Heart skips a beat. I’m 15 years old again. Damnit.

I answer as I usually would. We small talk as we usually would, and he proceeds by paying me a compliment about how I handled a scenario with one of his employees. I thank him for sharing the good news and we hang up. And all I can think to myself is that he used it as a reason to call me. But I don’t care, it was nice to hear, and … nice to hear his voice.

Damnit.

Before I know it, it’s mid-afternoon and I’m engrossed in a spreadsheet. My work phone rings…it rings all day, so that’s nothing usual. What is unusual is he’s calling me again. Twice in one day? He’s calling me to ask me about a work event that’s happening the next night. Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to his question but direct him to who does… and that person reports to… him. So, he should’ve known to call that person, right? I sense discomfort in his voice as he thanks me and we hang up.

And now I know he made up a second reason to call me.

And I’m excited about it.

Damnit.

I’ve got myself a good old fashioned crush attack.

Stifle Me Not

Facing Fears

I hate when I get like this.

By this, I mean, in my head too much.

My kids have been with their dad for the past 24 hours and I’m not feeling well. It’s just a head cold, but it’s holding me back from caring about life.

So I did basic chores that I usually do when they’re gone and I’ve been literally staring at my iPad overthinking life for entirely too long today. If I felt well, I’d go for a walk or go shopping, or even attempt to interact with some of my family members. But it hasn’t happened. I’m still sitting here not feeling well and thinking too much about the shoulda coulda woulda scenarios in life.

But my thoughts are stemming from earlier in the week when I was just mad at my current state of existence. I always feel like I’m in a constant state of trying too hard. And when I don’t try, I feel lazy. And then I over-try not to try too hard. Constant cycle. I annoy myself. Why can’t I just be happy with myself as is?

I’m trying (but trying not to over-try).

I’ve been relishing my new alone life up until recently. I’ve very much needed a lot of alone time to recharge from all of the changes in the past two years.

But now I’m getting lonely.

I don’t want lonely to get confused with desperate and then I do something stupid because I’m lonely. And there I go again overthinking how I’m already a screw-up when I haven’t even had an event to screw up yet.

I really want a new home, but I can’t help but think I’m not ready yet because I’m scared to take care of an entire property on my own. I really don’t want to. I’d rather share it with someone who actually cares about me.

Then I’m all “nooo, you can do it.” And then I think back to my mom when she was just a little younger than me, trying to be a full-time working mom, taking care of the inside and outside of a house and us kids, and everything else that life threw her way… and she was a tired mess. She’s still a tired person because of all of the obligations that she has.

I don’t want that.

I want a partner in life. And I want a home that isn’t going to suck the life out of me so that my kids are left with an empty shell of a mom.

I have limits. I have boundaries. I can’t do it all.

And recognizing and admitting that to myself in the mirror today while trying to put make up on my tear-soaked eyes was terrible realization.

I was lonely in my marriage, I just never admitted it.

I’m lonely out of marriage, but now I’m admitting it. And it feels very real. And uncomfortable. And scary.

Stifle Me Not

Falling Forward

And just like the wheel is turning forward again. More baby steps into the great unknown…

I gave myself until November 1st to have a down payment ready for a house. After saving my butt off for the past two months, and venting to my sister that I can’t wait for time to speed up one night, she graciously offered me a “gift” of the rest of my down payment (and that I can pay her back as it makes sense).

Uh, what? Just like that my little sis is ready to write me a check. I would have never asked her for money like that ever. She’s the little sister. I’m the big sister. I hinted at it to my mom, and to my dad, but they didn’t bite…but I was simply whining to her, not asking for a hand out.

I took it, with full intention of continuing to save my butt off so that I can pay her back sooner than later. And just like that I was pre-approved this weekend to buy my own adult house.

The house hunting has yet to begin. That likely starts this weekend. I’m full of all kinds of emotions – excited for sure, a little scared (I’ve never owned a home on my own), and just a tiny bit anxious about the market and the pressure and the stress. I’m in a good place with my stress level in life. I want this to be good stress. I don’t want to settle. I want to make a good decision for me and my kids. I’ve been “homeless” (okay, a 40-year old living with her parents) for the past 1 year and 1 month. The time has come.

I’ve come so far. I can’t give up now. “Life’s a journey, not a destination”… yea yea, I know, but getting a nice cozy comfortable home where I can be me (and my kids can be them) is somewhat of a destination for me. It’s a destination of a new beginning. It’ll be proof to myself that I broke the cycle of bad decisions (or lack thereof) and that I’ll be living for myself, finally.

It’s the first day of fall, and I’m falling forward… It’s my own movement that will take me to where I need to be.

Stifle Me Not

The In Between of What Has Been and What Could Be

I’ve been feeling sorry for myself lately. I’m not sure why exactly. I can only describe it as missing where I no longer am even though I didn’t like where I was back then, and wishing I was somewhere else.

How stupid is that?

So freakin’ stupid.

I’m simultaneously living in the past and wishing my life away.

It’s like I miss my old life and am excited for a new one all at the same time. And I can’t make the new life come any faster without disrupting the present, and memories of my past just keep flooding back and I have to fight off the urge to sink back into the abyss of what no longer serves me. I keep having to remind myself that I’ve been rebuilding myself from my own personal ground zero for almost 2 years now. I don’t think anyone without super powers loses their own personal everything and just gets right back up again.

I’m (im)patiently trying to save for a house. I have a plan, I’m saving according to my budget. And, I’m bored. I’m so freakin’ BORED!

You’d think boredom would be the least of my worries as a single divorced working mom of two. But the restlessness of what has been and what could be are colliding into a cloud of dust, making it hard to see through what I already know. Even if what I know is that the unknown has more potential to be better than anything I’ve ever known before.

I’ve cut myself off from shopping sprees and filling the grocery cart with whatever goodies I want. Or going out with friends whenever I want (well, I don’t have many friends, so who cares). I’m on a strict budget for the next 8 1/2 weeks. I have a countdown app on my phone. Goal: I’m going to be ready to be pre-approved for my own big girl house by November 1st.

If I can’t save a shit-ton of money in the next 8 1/2 weeks, then I have learned nothing in the past 2 years. I have been forced to live on a minuscule budget on unemployment for months at a time.. I know how shop for the bare minimum and make ends meet with gas and groceries. I know how to forego the extras on my debit card. I know how to be bored and entertain myself with a WIFI connection or even just a pen and paper. I feel like I’ve been training for this speed budget plan all my life and I can’t give up now.

Why now? Why not a few months ago? Well, a few months ago, I finally got a job. I finally got to buy myself some basic clothes that fit me. I finally got to spoil my kids a little bit. I finally got to taste the fruits of my hard labor from switching careers. Now, it’s now or never. I can live with my parents for months and months more and save slowly, or I can speed save and get the f*&k out.

We’re all sick of each other. No one is saying it. No one is at each other’s throats. You can just feel that it’s time. My kids know it’s time. If I can get pre-approved by Nov 1, I could be moved into my own little piece of heaven by Christmas. A girl can dream.

Stifle Me Not