Monthly Archives: July 2022

Owning It

Dating, Healing, Learning, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift, Self-Awareness

After publishing my last post, I overanalyzed everything, like I always do. But then I stopped and just took action. If something is bothering me about someone I’m attempting to date, I need to talk to him, not bash them to the Internet in an anonymous blog and expect to see results.

My past experience with my ex-husband was, if I told him something was bothering me, he would turn it around and somehow make it my fault. He would never own that he hurt my feelings, even if it wasn’t the smallest little thing. He was a master manipulator. I didn’t realize that fun fact until it was too late – until I was nearly out of my mind crying everyday and heading down the fast lane to divorce. I had built up tolerance to this kind of manipulation, and learned techniques to avoid it. I developed a strong sense of what would trigger him, and would prepare myself for for his cool, calm, thoughtful response to me being a “crazy” person. Some call this “walking on eggshells”, but I just thought it was normal.

Fast forward to my new dating life. Now, when I need to confront a man about his behavior, I try to think of every angle why I may or may not be right or wrong before I push the issue. The only problem is I don’t know these men like I knew my ex-husband, so it’s harder to prepare for their reaction. If I have to put up a boundary, it doesn’t often end well. They typically get upset, even if they apologize quickly to save face, and the relationship doesn’t usually go much further after that. There’s something about putting up boundaries that pushes people away.

But then I realized, isn’t that the point? I’m always so careful about what I say and how I say it, all so I can continue to hold on to someone or some situation. But why?

This time I figured I’d rather be called crazy and quickly move on from this guy than disrupt the hard-earned peace I’ve been working on for all these years. I’m all about not wasting time, keeping it peaceful, and doing what’s best for me these days. Finally, after all of these years I just don’t give a damn.

So I let 3-Day Date Guy know I was very bothered by the context of his call on Sunday evening. I told him I was trying to dismiss it and make excuses for him, but it kept nagging at me two days later.

I braced for the blame. I was ready to retreat. I prepared for this to be the beginning of the end of yet another post-divorce relationship that barely got off the ground…

…but to my surprise, he didn’t hesitate to apologize, and he owned his actions.

He seemed genuinely sorry about making me uncomfortable, and asked if we could talk more about it that evening. He promptly called me that evening, apologized again, and we talked through it. He didn’t just apologize and move on, he actually dug into it, explained himself a little and owned it. Owned it.

I was pleasantly surprised. And I was relieved. And I was happy to be getting to know someone like him.

And then I was sad. I was sad for myself that I stressed about speaking up in the first place. And sad for my past self that I ever got to a place where I couldn’t be myself.

And then I was proud of myself for doing things differently this time. And finally seeing different results. You attract who you are. And I’m finally attracting a different type of person in my life to allow me to be who I am becoming.

We may become a couple, we may not. That remains to be seen. My goal these days is not to hang on to old ways that didn’t serve me, but to own and follow through with what’s best for me.

Stifle Me Not

3 Great Dates, But Keep Reading, It Gets Weird

Dating

Last weekend I went on yet another date. I figured the odds should be in my favor for a good guy to surface any time now. I just need one good one for me, right?

A guy reached out to me on the good ol’ Dating App of Lost Souls, we started messaging, graduated to exchanging numbers and texting, and then he called me a few days into it. Everything flowed, good conversation, he had an intellectual side, a sense of humor, values seemed to align, and we each have children and are divorced so that whole understanding was there. He asked me out to dinner fairly quickly.

Awesome. Great. Fantastic. Another date. I was pleased at the pace this was going – not too fast, but not time-waster slow. Just right. Let’s meet and see if there’s chemistry in person.

On Friday, I arrived at the restaurant. I looked up and there he was smiling in the parking lot. I was relieved that he looked more handsome in person. We greeted each other, he handed me a birthday card and some chocolate (my birthday was the day before) and we strolled into the restaurant. We instantly started chatting. The date started at 6:30. The next thing we knew the restaurant was clearing out and it was after 9 PM. He suggested going somewhere for ice cream and I agreed that was good. We headed down the street for ice cream and more conversation. Before we both knew it, it was after 10 PM and it was time to part ways.

I was so pleased with how the evening went. We agreed to meet up again on Sunday and we went out separate ways.

On Saturday, we started texting in the morning. He knew I was meeting up with my sister later that day, so he conveniently asked if I’d want to meet up for lunch at a place that was close to her house beforehand. I agreed, and it was a lovely afternoon. We had lunch and chatted each other’s ears off, genuinely interested in every word. I found him to be very attractive, interesting, smart, funny, and calm. He was a much-needed change of energy from other guys I’ve dated. He seemed to feel the same way about me. After lunch we went for a walk at a nearby park. He held my hand and we both truly enjoyed each other’s company. There were some shy moments, but nothing awkward or weird. I was once again so very pleased to spend time with him. He even gave me a little kiss good-bye.

On Sunday, we met up in the afternoon to go kayaking, but it ended up being too windy and they stopped renting kayaks. We went hiking instead, walking and talking for 2 hours straight. We learned even more about each other. We even both shared that each of our top love language was Quality Time. Yes, ironic. We then drove to a nearby restaurant for some dinner. I was, once again, completely pleased with him and everything I had learned about him. Even more importantly, I was pleased with how I felt about myself. I felt good to be with him, whether we were hiking, driving in the car, or eating together. This is typically when my female brain starts to over activate.

Well, I didn’t do that. I decided to embrace it and felt I finally deserved the company of a genuinely great man.

He drove me back to my car, gave me another kiss, and we parted ways again. I was not love drunk or walking on cloud 9, but I was completely happy with how things were going. I’ve been trying to live in the present and not get too attached to what could be – simply appreciating the moment for what it is. I started driving away, windows down, music blaring, and smiling as I reflected on the afternoon.

—>>> This is where it gets weird. <<<—-

Weird you say? But how, after 3 great days, could it get weird now?

As I got closer to home, about 5 minutes away, my phone rings. I see it’s my new favorite guy I just spent 3 great days with. I answer and he sounds odd. He sounds like a mixture of worried, anxiousness, and maybe some desperation… the phone connection kept going in and out, and my navigation system kept interrupting us, so the conversation was choppy, but the gist of his call was this:

He had just sent me a text (which I didn’t see while driving), and he was calling to clarify… or umm, explain his reasoning for the sending the text.

The text said “Too late to just meet up halfway at a hotel somewhere?”

If I had I seen this text without talking to him, I would have taken it as a joke.

It wasn’t a joke. He was calling to explain his reasoning, about his strong feelings, for sending it.

I was speechless. My smile faded. I was tired from the long walk, about to shit my pants from the gyro platter I just had, and my period was about to start. Sex was the furthest thing from my mind. I remember looking at the navigation at 9 minutes left and picked up the pace so I’d get home to my bathroom on time.

My heart sunk during this phone call. It was so disappointing. I thought he was different than the rest. I thought he could be patient enough to not want to just focus on my looks and instantly react to great chemistry. Nope, it was pure 100% testosterone driven sex reaction. I wished to be flattered, but I wasn’t. I was disappointed.

I told him I wasn’t ready for doing that just yet. And I clarified that I wouldn’t want to just go to some hotel. It should mean something and I should at least see where he lives first – I made this sound like a joke, but it was the truth.

He quickly got off the phone after I rejected his terrible awful no-good-for-me idea. I told him I’d give him a call later.

It bothered me, but I tried to push it aside since we had a great 3 days. Yesterday, he didn’t communicate much, which was fine. I needed a recovery day. And today he’s been texting, but keeping it pretty quiet.

I don’t know if he feels justified in his offer, or if he’s embarrassed or what. We’re supposed to hang out again in a few days. I plan to bring it up whether he likes it or not.

I’m not sure if this was the good one I was looking for, or if this was just a case of very bad judgement (on his part). I’m really sick of giving all of these men the benefit of the doubt. I do nothing but be myself, and the reaction I get is a proposal for sex at a hotel.

This wasn’t my idea of ideal Quality Time after only three days of getting to know each other.

I guess there’s still time for him to redeem himself, but he’ll have to do it. I’m not making excuses for anyone these days.

Stifle Me Not

Quality Time

Dating, Honesty, Hope, Learning, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift

You know when you just know?

After my sniffling meltdown on my drive home from my last date, I perked up the next day. I can’t stay in that negative space for long. The next day I felt the residual effects, but I concentrated on getting my kids back. Once they came home from their dad’s, they lifted my spirits. My little lovebugs were chatty and tan, and they kept hugging me because they missed me so much. My priorities. I don’t like wasting my time on things or people who aren’t my priorities.

I exchanged a few texts with The Brooding Man I was attempting to date on Friday and Saturday. And then I had a little light bulb moment. After three weeks of observing his behavior, I caught on to a pattern, one that mimicked a couple guys I’ve dated in the past.

It goes like this: He works his butt off to the point of exhaustion. This typically gets my attention as a good sign, but I’ve come to find this can also be used as a distraction to deal with… well, life. He works his weekday job and then always has something he’s preoccupied with after work until he finally sits down in the evening and marinates in his exhaustion to doze off early. On the weekends, he also becomes preoccupied with a project, but its tenfold. His weekend evening routine is similar. He’s so tired he has no down time to think or form relationships with anyone. Just to sleep and do it all again the next day.

This annoyed me at first, but then I thought Oh, he’s just hardworking, of course he’s going to be tired. And I’ve let these last few weeks slide by, not really getting to know this man because how can you get mad at someone for being tired? This seems like an innocent hard-working man problem, doesn’t it? It does, until you pair it with someone who also:

  • Claims he can’t ever sleep well, and
  • Refuses to answer any question that remotely dives into getting to know him on a more personal level

We all have nights when we can’t sleep, but to never be able to stay asleep is a sign your subconscious messing with you. If you’re a normal healthy human, you’re awake at night because you need to clear something out of your psyche or your sleep environment sucks. Deal with the crap that keeps you awake at night and you’ll be able to sleep. Speaking from experience on this one.

Similarly, we all have personal areas off limits to others at first. But this guy was extra special when I tried to veer from surface level chit chat. He did not want me to get to know him personally, and he did not ask me any personal questions either. It was confusing to go on a date with him and have him pour his heart out, but then be blocked from asking questions as soon as we were back to texting. As far as I could tell, he wanted to be safe texting buddies with a few dinner dates.

To say this guy’s dating pace was slow, is an understatement.

On Saturday night I was scrolling through the dating site and kept seeing people with prompts about their love language. I’ve always hated the 5 Love Languages book because of my past experience with it. My ex and I used it when we were trying to patch up the ol’ marriage with counseling. I couldn’t remember what my own love language was, so I took one of those online quizzes just to see. Apparently I’m a close tie with Quality Time and Acts of Service. And then the light bulb that went off earlier… it kept getting brighter and brighter…

I’m frustrated with this guy because I want Quality Time and he apparently could care less about that. He’s clearly attached to some past trauma, and no matter how understanding I am, I can’t fix it. Only he can fix it. I want and deserve Quality Time from whoever I date.

Welp, I decided to make one last-stitch effort to see if he would open up and I sent him a link to the 5 Love Languages online quiz. We’re a month into this texting-dating situationship, so I didn’t see this as crossing the line. Maybe it did for him.

That was at 9 PM on Saturday night. I did not hear from him again until 3 PM on Sunday. This was sad and amusing to watch play out. I had a hunch he would avoid taking the quiz, or responding back about it. He did just that – he waited until enough time went by so that he could send a very surface level text the next afternoon that simply said “How’s your afternoon going?”

Well, there was my answer. He was never going to open up, let alone spend any quality time with me. I responded “I thought you’d ghosted me”… and he did not respond again for a couple of hours, to which he replied “Now why would I do that?” Answering a question with a question… where have I see that before? hmm. Clearly, this is not a man equipped to deal with even subtle confrontation. I accept that.

I didn’t have the will or energy to continue. I had my answer. He was as closed off as they come. I’m no savior, and I’m not here to make it my life mission to have this guy open his heart. And I didn’t want to either.

I had many things I could respond with, but his maturity level wouldn’t have been able to handle it, so I stayed silent. This morning, as I dropped my son off, I discovered another text from him… “Morning” he wrote.

My initial thought was to text back “Nope”. But I didn’t. I will just let him feel the frustration of being too unimportant for me to waste anymore of my Quality Time on him.

Add another one to the dating dump.

I’m not sad about it. I’ve already met another nice guy who is very interested in getting to know me as I am interested in getting to know him.

Stifle Me Not

Feeling Lack

Dating, Dreams, Trust

It’s been a long two weeks without my kids. They’ve been with their father for a long period of time. They’re having fun. Enjoying their summer. Being kids and living their best lives.

I, on the other hand, am having an identity crisis. I’ve gone from Single Mom of Two Kids, to a Single Lady with Nothing But Her To Do list… and too much time to think about dating, or lack thereof. Sometimes I think I should just get a pet.

The first week the kids were gone, I was concentrated on work so it wasn’t too different. Just quieter. By the time the long weekend rolled around, I got bored and made a To Do list. It’s now all done. My Independence Day long holiday weekend went like this:

  • Felt sorry for myself and cried on Friday.
  • Power-washed the house on Saturday.
  • Visited family for a 4th of July party on Sunday.
  • Stained my deck on Monday and Tuesday.
  • Cleaned my kitchen floors, and descaled my Keurig coffee maker on Wednesday.

I thought I’d be able to use a couple of days during this time to get the know the new guy I met in the middle of June. We had a great first date, and have been regularly texting ever since, but never met up again because of our work and kid schedules. This whole time I haven’t had kids, but he had his son. Before I knew it, it was my last day of “free” time from my kids. So yesterday, when he asked what my plans were for that evening, I took the opportunity to see if he wanted to hang out again. He quickly agreed. I was a little annoyed that he couldn’t just ask me out on his own.

We met up at a Mexican restaurant. It was a little more of a subdued date than last time. The margaritas helped get conversation flowing. It was light chit chat and mostly me asking questions and him talking. I can tell he is guarded. He will freely talk when asked questions, but he doesn’t ask them back. Any information he knows about me is because I offered it up in conversation. I can tell he’s sensitive with a rough exterior, but it’s been a little frustrating trying to get to know him.

To my surprise, with how guarded he’s been, he suddenly opened up about the first love of his life. He told me the whole story, which was emotional, and I think he may have even teared up a little. I went from smiling and nodding to getting a little depressed about the whole thing. He seemed to still be in love with this person 20 years later. I was a little shocked that he went from surface level chatting to such a deep topic without much warning. I was left speechless. It kind of explained a lot about why his relationships have gone the way they have so far in his life.

After that, you’d think he’d asked more about my dating history. He didn’t. I offered up a little info, but he didn’t bite. I felt complete lack in that moment. Lack of someone wanting to get to know me too. The date was good overall. Not great, not bad. Just good. It was better than sitting at home texting him – I got to know him a little better. But like I said, did he get to know me better?

I thought getting to know this guy was a smart move because he was far from what my usual dates try to do – which is typically love-bombing to start, followed by complete good times, and ultimately manipulation of some sort. I’m done with that type of rollercoaster, but he was a complete 180 from that. It didn’t feel good. It feels like it’s not worth it. This is where I’m caught in the gray space of wondering if my perspective is twisted because of past relationships, or is this feeling of lack a legitimate red flag? I feel like I’d know how to give advice about this to someone else, but since it’s me, I’m double-doubting myself.

We walked outside the restaurant, bid farewell with some banter and a hug, and each walked to our cars in opposite directions of the parking lot. I sat in my car for a minute, bewildered, and looking for an appropriate playlist to fit my mood. It was an odd mood. Raw. Sad. Unsatisfied. Tired.

As I drove away with the windows down, the summer air smelled like it should be filled with good times, but tears streamed down my face for the whole drive. I couldn’t stop them. I was a sniffling idiot. I was trying to figure out why I was crying, because the date was not bad, but I was too tired to care. I let the music cover up my sobs and the wind dry my face as I gave up on making sense of anything.

Stifle Me Not

When You Try for Yourself and No One Else

Dating, Honesty, Learning, New and Unknown, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift

“The Date That Never Was” led me to almost give up on dating for the 276th time… but I left the dating app on “active” on for some reason after bidding the last turd farewell. It was pure disappointment in the days that followed, but life is stupid and doesn’t get better if you don’t try. I guess leaving it on “active” was my version of trying.

One Friday afternoon at work, I facilitated a very long group meeting . Afterward, I was spent. My energy was at zero. It was a good meeting, but I was ready for a weekend of doing absolutely nothing. I had no hopes or dreams for that weekend except to rest and play Candy Crush. After the meeting, I saw the dating app notification that someone liked my profile.

Here we go again, another one. This oughta be good…

I reviewed his profile with little to no expectations. Attractive. Check. Seemingly normal photos and profile posts. Check. And he didn’t live too far away. Check.

So I responded. And that led to some productive conversation over the weekend. Which led to him asking me out later the next week. I think this is how it’s supposed to go.

We met up at a low key restaurant one evening and spent the next three hours talking and getting fully lost in the date. It was such a pleasant date. He was talkative but not over the top, he was more attractive in person, and he paid. We both agreed we’d like to meet again. I was pleasantly surprised. I guess I’ve become pretty jaded since “The Drunk Vampire Date” over a month ago.

I drove home with a smile on my face for once, and all I could think was finally… now what’s the catch?

That was more than a week ago. And I’ve discovered the catch… he moves at a way slower pace than what I’m used to. Also, I’ve discovered that I am still more jaded about my past than I realized. This threw me for a huge loop in the week after our date. I wanted to get to know him better, but it seemed like there was stalling around every corner. I was beginning to be suspicious.

  1. I was excited to plan something in the next week or so. My kids went with their dad for two whole weeks (and he knew this), and I thought for sure he’d jump at asking me out while they’re away. Days went by, and he didn’t say anything. Not. A. Peep.
  2. His texts became less and less throughout the days. His schedule is much earlier than mine. He wakes up very early (4 am) and falls asleep pretty early (sometimes by 8:30 pm). But I started to wonder… was his schedule an excuse?
  3. I decided to get creative and asked him “what are three words your mom would use to describe you”… I just really wanted to get to know him. He came back and said “I honestly don’t know.” I was shocked. How could you not know what your own mom would say about you? I thought he was trying to get out of letting me get to know him.

I thought, because he didn’t immediately want to plan a second date, and wasn’t communicating all that great, he wasn’t interested. I get that the novelty wears off, but I genuinely thought he wasn’t interested anymore.

Yesterday, I had it. I couldn’t understand why he hadn’t asked me out, and there was no logical reason because every other asshole under the sun has come back and wanted a second date if the first one went well. So, me being an impatient one, I unpaused my dating app and drafted a message to him, basically telling him “I get it, I’ll leave you alone.”

But before I could send anything, he texted me something that made me stop in my tracks. It made me reconsider my mindset about the whole situation. I had responded sarcastically to him saying that he couldn’t think of three words his mom would use to describe him , and he said he really didn’t know his mom well even though he sees her… he said she’s closer with his other siblings that he doesn’t really talk to much either.

It occurred to me that this guy’s perception of relationships – with family, friends, or a significant other – is way different than what I’m used to in my own life. I finally let my feelings spill…for no reason than to make myself feel better, not to hold on or to make him feel bad… it had nothing to do with him anymore, I just wanted to feel better for once and voice my side.

I told him I was confused, was getting the feeling he wasn’t interested because we hadn’t planned a second date and there hasn’t been as much communication other than crappy texting. He also has kids, and our kid visit schedules have been opposite each other. Furthermore, our work schedules are different with his being much early than mine. I said our schedules are just different and it’s frustrating that I can’t get to know him better.

To my surprise, he rolled with my punches. He pointed out facts of our schedules too, without getting defensive, and reassured me that he liked me. He was very nice and understanding about it. And then he said “we have time.” I don’t know if it was the “we” part or the “time” part or what, but that helped. It just did. I thanked him for hearing me out. I was truly grateful for the way he responded. Real adult conversation.

I spent the rest of the night crying. I was happy, I was very happy. But I was sad for myself. I was upset that I have been holding in too many feelings for too many years. I haven’t found anyone that I can speak my truth to without them turning the tables on me. It’s been years and years of feeling feelings and keeping a big girl face about it. And finally, after years of doubting myself and building myself back up, all I needed was for one person to listen, understand, and accept that I had feelings (even if it was just a misunderstanding that caused them).

I’m glad \I spoke up, even though I was tempted to simply walk away. I stopped trying a long time ago, when it comes to men and dating. This time I tried, but it wasn’t for him, it was for me. Trying for yourself can sometimes be worth it.

Stifle Me Not