Monthly Archives: October 2019

Retraining My Brain to Think About Me

Sooooo. I’m bored.

When I get bored, I think too much. When I think too much, I make decisions that I probably wouldn’t make when I’m not bored.

I’m trying to stop the insanity before it starts by trying a simpler approach: Let change roll in rather than pull it in.

I’m a change driver. I always have been. I know how to make things happen. It’s when I force things that it gets complicated.

I’m not saying I’m going go the lazy route and do nothing in my life. It’s the big life decisions I’m talking about. For those changes, I’m choosing to remain on the prowl and pounce during the right timing rather than roam out in the wild trying to make something happen, spinning my wheels, when it would be easier if I just waited it out in the first place.

I’m realizing too, that I’m bored because I’ve finally simplified my life. My ex added “excitement” (see: complications) to every aspect – from how I rushed to and from work, to what was for dinner, to how he judged my reactions to just about anything, to keeping me up late at night when he was out “hanging with the guys”. My life is simpler now, with less worries. I didn’t realize how “full (of shit)” my life was before; therefore, I was never bored with anything. There was always something for me to worry about.

Now I’m like “now what?” There is no urgency to please him, or anyone else. I didn’t realize before how  every response he had to something I did or didn’t do “shaped” (see: forced) all of my decisions. My ex kept me so busy with his shit that now I’m confused on how to live for myself. I suppose recognizing this fact is a first substantial step forward.

Wow, how relieving and bewildering all at the same time.

I realized my life would be simplified when I made the decision to split from him 2 years ago. But it’s 2 years later that I’m actually living my own life for me and not him. It’s 2 years later and I’m “bored” (see: not overwhelmed). I’m constantly having to adjust my perspective so I don’t force unwanted change that’s bad for me.

This lack of overwhelming complications in my life  feels like I’m waiting around for life to happen, but I have to remind myself that I’m really just adjusting my mindset to make the right decisions FOR ME without someone inflicting their agenda on my life.

It’s been difficult for me to make the smallest decisions lately – like my brain is fogged up and doesn’t know how to think for itself. I feel like a dog trained to do things a certain way for someone else, and now I’m on my own and I’m not quite sure how to navigate without watching for his response queues to guide me.

As I was typing this, my 10-year old came up behind me and gave me a hug from the back of me. I flinched. I seriously had a negative “get away” response to a very loving gesture. In my old life, I was so used a hug from behind (from my ex) being a sign of I need to stop what I’m doing and focus on him. If I didn’t comply, he would be be angry and the day would be lost to my simple desire to finish what I was doing – I could be typing an email, putting on make up, trying to pay a bill — anything he had no interest in was not to be confused with “priorities” in life (see: him). I was the selfish one, I was the rude one, I was the one that should look in the mirror and figure myself out for being so “unkind” (see: wanting to finish whatever task I was doing).

Whenever I get caught up in a decision-making cycle, I just have to ask myself: What do I want? 

Gosh, it shouldn’t be this hard. What a simple question that shouldn’t be so confusing. I guess it took me 18 years in a relationship to get this way, so 2 years being out of the relationship isn’t going to be an automatic fix.

So while I wait in boredom for the house of my dreams to surface in this horrible buyer’s market (see: wonderful seller’s market), and continue “not to date” (see: hide) in the process, I will keep retraining my brain.

I know I’ll get there. I’m a work in process for sure. My new life has already begun, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Stifle Me Not

 

Settle Me Not

My home-buying search has begun.

I forgot how frustrating home-buying can be.

There’s all of the “what-ifs” and “what about this…” or “that”… it’s a game of speculation and daydreaming and giving yourself regular reality checks. I love it and hate it all at the same time. I’m limited to a set amount I can spend. Sure, I can spend more, but then have I learned anything in the past 20 years since I’ve reached adulthood?

No.

And if you don’t learn your damn life lessons, then where does that leave you?

Yep, sure as shit, back at the beginning of the damn lesson. Karma 101.

I’m not sure that my realtor is doing a damn thing. If I send him a property, he’ll act on it and get me in to see it, but it appears he’s not watching the market for me. Maybe he is and the market sucks. It’s hard to tell. Plus it’s fall, so the housing market, well, sucks for buyers. I do what I can to be proactive, but I have this thing called a job that I go to everyday and its sucking the damn life out of  me. Then I have my kids in the evening, and well that’s a whole other form of life-sucking. One kid (the 4 year old) is up my butt half the time – to the point where I’m tripping over him – and the other kid (the 10-year old) hides in her room of filth and I have to pry her out to eat dinner and make sure she’s not turning into a screen time zombie.

I need a house so I can be comfortable in my life again. I’m so sick of being a guest of unwelcome messiness in my dad’s house. But at the same time, the freedom of not having a mortgage is pretty great. Although, I’m strapping myself with continuing to save for my down payment. I just want the cycle to end where I can be in a little budget and live.

I love the crazy self-talk you go through when you start shopping for a house. I saw 3 houses on my first searching day. I crazily thought that it was possible for one of them to be “the one”. Then I anxiously went to see the fourth one. It was nice and I still didn’t like it. That’s when I realized I have more an idea of what I want than I realize. The fifth house was in scary shape. The sixth house was also very nice, but it wasn’t me, and it was too much space to take care of. Yep, six houses, with half of them being pretty nice, and none of them pleased me. I’m going to be a hard one to impress.

But that little nagging voice inside keeps saying “don’t settle. Don’t Settle. DON’T SETTLE!!!!”

I won’t settle for a house I don’t love. And I won’t settle for a man who doesn’t love me.

Not that man-hunting has even been occurring. I peek out from behind the sidelines. I have no desire (other than an occasional side glance out the car window) to do any form of dating. At least with home buying its all about me and my family’s needs. Dating sounds like some kind of journey to another foreign land to me right now.

So I’m going to get some rest and spend another few weeks being hopeful with the housing market. Not sure that I can pull off a house by Christmas, but that’s the hope.

I’ll just keep on going. Not settling sounds like a good goal to have. It’s not like I’ve been overly picky my whole life.

Stifle Me Not