Monthly Archives: August 2022

The Pattern Continues

Dating, Old Patterns, Trust

Every time I date someone for a couple of weeks and it doesn’t work out, the same pattern unfolds: I get annoyed, I withdraw, I try to act like everything is fine, I focus extra energy on my kids, work, working out, I overthink and write in my journal A LOT, and I can’t sleep well.

Then, as suddenly as it started, it ends. It’s like another cycle is complete, yet again, and I’m free to live my days in my usual ways. I sleep well again and don’t overthink a damn thing.

Not. A. Damn. Thing.

It’s like sidewalk chalk that gets washed away by the rain. No evidence in sight that it was there. It astounds me how indifferent I can feel about a person today, who just a week ago made me smile or laugh or cringe or cry or otherwise invoked any feeling whatsoever.

On the flip side, I can go from completely fine with being single for weeks, or months, with no care in the world to meet a soul. Then something will trigger me to “try” again. It’s like a hidden switch is flipped. And as suddenly as my life returned to the simple routine life I know so well, it flips back to the wild unknown of the dating world.

If you’ve been reading my posts, you know I must be a glutton for punishment since I keep jumping back into the dating pool. Like a freakin’ idiot. I never know what will trigger me to try again. It’s so random.

My latest trigger was my crazy ass neighbor, Angela. Angela moved in next door last year. She is a working single mom of three kids. I’m a working single mom of two kids, and at first I was very interested to meet her, thought maybe we’d have something in common and could hang out.

Nope.

I can’t stand how loud she talks, how she screams at her ex on the phone in her garage, how she yells at her kids after 9 PM in the back yard, or how her parents come over and help her with every little thing. My daughter and I exchange raised eyebrows each time we hear her voice echoing through the neighborhood, and we’ve given her the nickname “Crazy Angela”. Angela and I are very cordial to one another, but I our vibes don’t match up. She is one neurotic & passionate lady, full of the delightful kind of drama that I automatically repel, like oil and water. We simply aren’t matched to be friends. We casually say hi when we’re outside and go about our own business. No need to drink wine on the deck and share life stories.

I noticed an orange Jeep parked at her house on a few occasions and didn’t think much of it at first. Until one weekend I was home alone and noticed the Jeep never left. Then I saw a guy on her deck one morning when I was out doing yard work. Ooooh, Angela has a new man!

Welp, fast forward a couple months, and I started to see the orange Jeep more often. It seemed to appear when her kids weren’t around, and it disappeared by Sunday evening. Just in time to avoid the kids! I was so proud of Crazy Angela. There she was getting her groove on and living her best life.

After my last debacle of a dating mess, I swore off men and went back to church. I figured I’d better raise my own vibe a bit if I want to attract someone that isn’t a lying, cheating asshole. So, I’m still going to church. And, for the past month I’ve been too busy to think about dating. Work has been busy, the kids started back to school, and it hasn’t seemed like there’s enough hours in a day. Then one night, I got home from work and see the orange Jeep parked next door. And I see Crazy Angela’s kids playing outside. I see Crazy Angela, her new man, and her kids all playing together. He met the kids!

What the heck? Angela and her new man are getting serious?!

I noticed, but that wasn’t my trigger. That same night I took my kids to a store. As we pulled out of the driveway, I see Crazy Angela again with her new man, close together in her garage, as she was leaning up to give him a kiss.

And there it was. My trigger.

I couldn’t stop thinking about how Crazy Angela had a man and I didn’t. Jealousy isn’t good. It’s bad bad bad. I don’t even like Angela, so why is this bothering me? I also didn’t feel good, and that added to my brain chaos and feelings of wanting more. I’m so sick of doing everything on my own. I just want someone to rely on, someone I can call, someone I can have over and hang out with until the sun goes down.

So after having an internal meltdown, I gave myself a pep talk. “Go get yours. Your dating app subscription expires Sept 4th. No one is forcing you to keep it paused right now. “

I flipped the switch. That night I played Candy Crush and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up to a comment on my profile, from a guy I’ve seen on the dating site, and thought about “liking”. I don’t usually make the first move. I let the guy do that. And he did. I didn’t respond that night. I was too tired, and wasn’t sure how stupid I was being by letting Crazy Angela trigger me into reactivating the pits of hell on my phone again.

On Saturday morning I woke up and stared at his comment while I drank coffee. Do I, or don’t I? Every time I jump into the wild unknown, I end up with… see first paragraph of this blog post.

I’m so sick of the dating cycle. So sick of it. Not starting before it’s even begun is the perfect way to break the cycle, right? I couldn’t answer that question. I’m not sure there’s a right or wrong answer.

I responded. And we proceeded to message each other for the next 3 hours. I learned quite a bit in Day 1, and I brought on the hard questions on Day 2. He answered them all quite well. We’ve made it to Day 4 of as regular texting buddies. Usually the next step is meeting. He hasn’t asked me that yet, but I have a feeling it’s coming.

I’ll let ya’ll know if the pattern repeats itself. The spell has to be broken at some point, right? I don’t know the answer to that question either.

Stifle Me Not

Stop the Insanity, Jesus Take the Wheel

Dating, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift, Taking Charge

According to Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, there are three basic definitions of insanity:

1 dated : a severely disordered state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder

2 law : unsoundness of mind or lack of the ability to understand that prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or that releases one from criminal or civil responsibility

3 a: extreme folly or unreasonableness
the insanity of violence
His comments were pure insanity.

3 b: something utterly foolish or unreasonable
the insanities of modern life

I decided that 3b applies to me. This year, definition 3b must be me. And if it isn’t 3b, then it’s overridden by definition 1 or 2.

When you’re a decent woman, with children and a valuable lifestyle to protect, continuing to date after a few bad dates seems… a bit insane. After reflecting on my past two years of dating, I’ve come to this conclusion: It’s not good. It’s very very bad. If I’m not insane, then I’m quite unlucky. And it’s time to question my role in all of this.

2022 dating:

  • In July, I had four lovely dates with the The Noble Nomad who worked a great job, traveled between two states to be a great father to his son, he didn’t drink or curse or speak ill of anyone, he was intelligent with a growth mindset, and he loved sunsets. He also wanted to “get romantic” with me and still “get to know” other people he was meeting through his dating app… in whichever city he happened to live in each week.
  • In June, I went on two dates with the The Guarded Hat Man, who basically got to know me just enough be life long texting buddies, tell me about the love of his life that he’s never gotten over in 20 years, and wouldn’t disclose the status of his hairline under his ball cap.
  • In May, I had the memorable one date with The Drunk Vampire, in which he bit me and left me stranded at a winery in the middle of Amish Country (albeit my wise choice to be left behind).

Each of these scenarios could be seen as a standalone isolated instances, but I get the clue — I’m clearly not attracting the most stellar gentlemen. If I’d only been dating a year, I’d give myself a break… but then I remembered my track record the previous year.

2021 dating:

  • Winter 2021, there was Lazy Pothead Stinky Cologne Guy. He had a decent job, similar views, was nice and calm – but he routinely got high on his couch with his dog during non-work hours and wore really really bad cologne.
  • In Fall 2021, there was the Personal Trainer Gone Mad Man. He was a big deal once upon a time, and at first he beamed with his residual confidence from days past. However, unbeknownst to me, he recently acquired some health issues, which led him to snap in emotional outbursts. And sadly, he thought he was entitled to do so, with no accountability for his behavior.
  • Spring/Summer 2021, there was Millionaire Buy-My-Love Man – he was made of money and wanted me to take care of him in exchange for all he could buy me – dinners, gifts, vacations, etc. Doesn’t sound bad does it? It doesn’t until you add in his loud talking voice, him constantly repeating himself, his frequent gambling addiction, his lack of physical activity (which contributed to limping and overabundance of snoring). This was all wrapped up in a nice bow of his constant mood swings.

It’s hard enough to go down Post-Dating Energy-Reset Lane once, twice, three times… but this has been ridiculous. My family and friends love to hear my stories. They think each date “fail” is so hilarious. And they all say the same thing: “I’m so glad I’m not dating these days.”

After the sixth bad egg (for me) in two years, I decided I have to do something differently.

I can turn off my dating apps and hide in my house? Nope, I’ve done that. I can try a different dating app? Nope, have done that and each app seems to have the same characters trolling around. I can go to the bar? Nope, I barely drink anymore and I have two kids. That one doesn’t work anymore. I can look for hot daddies at the grocery store? Um, no. I can get set up with someone from one of my friends? Nope, no one seems to have anyone that they can (or want to) set me up with.

I did the only thing I could think of that I haven’t done in awhile: I went to church.

I go every so often, but not enough to be considered “religious”. I grew up going to church regularly, but strayed after moving away once I graduated. I had both of my kids baptized, but I don’t routinely make them go to church.

I decided it’s time for a change. I needed to feed my soul with something different altogether and see if it helps me help myself. Never mind attracting a man. I can do that part, I’m just not attracting the right kind. Apparently, I’m bad at this. Very very bad at this. God is going to have work his divine intervention to redirect me.

Jesus, take the dating wheel, I’m done.

Stifle Me Not

Confusion is Not a Coincidence

Dating

Careful what you wish for, or you’ll get it.

And that I did.

My wish was for more clarity around why 4-Date Guy vanished cold turkey. There are so many possible reasons for this, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t the problem. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this past year of dating, it’s that confusion in dating usually has a cause and is not a coincidence.

After 4-Date Guy stopped communicating altogether, right after telling me our 5th date was cancelled, I took that as a big clue to back off. I decided to withdraw (my specialty) and go through my usual routine that week. It sucked, but I had a feeling I’d hear from him again. I was curious if he’d resurface once he no longer had his son.

He cancelled our date on Tuesday and then he ghosted. I was the last one to communicate anything and was left wondering what happened. I tried to keep myself preoccupied the next couple of days, pushing aside the pure annoyance of his silence. By Thursday, I was so triggered that I went back onto my dating app to reactivate it. In doing so, I decided to delete his profile from my “matched” section. If he wanted to reach out, he had my actual phone number. His profile lingering on my dating app did me no good. Before I deleted it, I opened it and scrolled, just to see why I initially was prompted to match with him. I had looked at it last week, just to see if his photos resembled who I had been hanging out with… they didn’t really. He looked good in person, but not like his photos.

I noticed that one of his profile prompts was changed slightly. I noticed this because I had commented on it when we first started messaging. He had shortened it. I continued to scroll, staring at his photos. I scrolled back up to close his profile, and then I saw it – the mother of all clues: he had updated his Home Location to the city where he stayed when he was in North Carolina. Originally, his home location was the city where he lives in Ohio.

  • Stopped communicating
  • Cancelled date
  • Updated dating profile, including home location

Well shit, I felt better already. It wasn’t me. He was just a lying mutherfucker.

Now, I know what some of you might be thinking. We went on 4 dates and I’m a crazy person because I’m accusing him of “cheating” when we’ve only been dating/texting/talking for 2 weeks.

What I didn’t mention is that on Saturday, the conversation we had where he said he missed me and that I made him happy, in that same conversation HE ASKED ME IF I WAS DATING ANYONE ELSE. To which I replied, “No” … and I asked him if he was dating anyone else, and he very clearly said “No” … and we continued to talk about how each of us didn’t play to date anyone else.

We didn’t have an exact conversation of will you be my girlfriend? will you be my boyfriend? we basically confirmed we very much liked one another and weren’t dating anyone else. While that doesn’t technically mean we were exclusively dating, it was a step in that direction. I suspected that conversation would be continued the next time I saw him in person.

Right? Wrong.

Thursday evening was bad for me. The week before, I was with him during fireworks after a baseball game, but on this night I got some wine and chips & dip, sat on my front porch, and cried my eyes out while I poured my heart out into my journal. My eyes leaked tears endlessly. I didn’t want to cry over this obvious asshole, I didn’t want to waste any more energy on this guy, but I had clear it all out so I could move on. At least I knew my path now, and he wasn’t on it.

On Friday, I had the day off and took my 13-year old daughter back-to-school shopping. My daughter and I were at the mall, taking a break from shopping, standing in line for an Auntie’s Anne’s soft pretzel when I see a text from him.

“Hey, hope you’re doing well. Just wanted to let you know I had a great time with you. I’m not exactly sure where things went wrong, but I’m guessing you’ve found someone. Truly wishing you the best!”

What? Seriously? Mutherfucker. I knew he’d resurface. Confusion is created, not a coincidence. He was trying to twist his silence into his favor, trying to act like I ditched him.

At first, I wasn’t going to respond. But I decided that he had to know know that I knew he wasn’t that sly. My ego perked up and was all “No girl, you are going to let him know you have a brain.”

I waited awhile before I responded “No, I simply took it as a clue that you stopped communicating, cancelled our date, and changed your location on your dating profile.”

He went silent for a couple more hours. Then he texted back with a whopper – one of those big long wishy washy texts that’s full of excuses and horse shit. Don’t mind my annotations throughout:

“Ah, I understand where you’re coming from [no you don’t, you got caught]. I don’t remember when I changed it exactly, but definitely more than a few weeks ago [I looked at your profile last week and it still had the Ohio location, we only saw each other for 2 weeks, you’re full of shit] after discussing my situation with you and realizing relationships may be a lot less complicated starting off there, provided my atypical situation [so why the fuck are you trying to date in Ohio if it’s less complicated to date in North Carolina?]. We didn’t really have the “exclusive” talk, [No we didn’t, but we started to, then you ghosted me for days and acted like I ghosted you] but I’m not romantically involved with anyone [I don’t believe you], just having conversations and discovering what I want and need at this time [play on, just not with me]. I apologize if I offended you, definitely not my intention.” [you hurt my feelings, but it won’t happen again because I’m done]

I wasn’t going to respond again, but I wanted to make it clear that I was making the choice to not move forward with him for my own best interest. This wasn’t a 1-way street for 4-Date Guy to call all the shots.

“Not offended, more confused, which isn’t good for me. I was a little sad, but just because I know I won’t do well with you being in two states. I need more time than that. Not your fault [Yes it is]. It was fun getting to know you.”

In re-reading that, it was too nice. Maybe I should’ve been a little more bitchy. At this point, it doesn’t really matter anymore though, does it?

I didn’t hear back from him after that, and I don’t think I will. The confusion has cleared. What a coincidence.

Stifle Me Not

Dating is Stupid

Dating, Honesty, Learning, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift

Dating is stupid. It’s a rollercoaster. So is life, but whatever. That’s besides the point. I’m mad about dating.

3-Date Guy turned into 4-Date Guy by the end of last week. He asked me out on another date before my kids returned from their vacation. He said he wanted to squeeze in as much time with me as possible because we’d both be busy in the weeks ahead. That was so attractive. Finally, a guy who was planning ahead, liked me, and didn’t play any games. He took the initiative to see me as much as possible, without making me second guess. Lovely.

It was a great 4th date. We went to an art museum, then to a minor league baseball game. There were fireworks after the game. It was one of those rare hopelessly romantic nights. The night was full of great conversation, good vibes, and all of the hopes that go along with new dating.

He let me know he’d be going to North Carolina that weekend to get his son. 4-Date Guy lives in Ohio (as do I) and his ex moved to North Carolina with their son after getting divorced. They have 50/50 custody and he basically lives part-time in Ohio and North Carolina, constantly going back and forth. He works remote, so it doesn’t matter where he works. He set himself up to be as flexible as possible to accommodate being with his son. Got it. Makes sense. What decent father wouldn’t make all the effort in the world to be with his kid?

At first glance, dating someone who is in another state part-time could seem like a challenge. I didn’t give it much too much thought because he said he still very much wanted to be in Ohio since his family and friends are here. I don’t need to be with the person I’m dating 24/7, so this actually appealed to me for a moment. I like my freedom and space just as much as the company of another. What I like is consistency of communication. I don’t need to be smothered by another person on a daily basis.

After the 4th date, everything was positive. That was a Thursday. On Saturday, as he was driving down to North Carolina, he called me. We had a nice chat, he said that he’d be back in Ohio with his son that same week and he could get his mom to watch his son one night. He asked if I want to get dinner again one night. I said that would be great. He suddenly said a tunnel was coming up and he knew the call would drop soon. So we said good-bye.

He called back 5 minutes later. He said he was out of the tunnel and felt bad getting off the call so fast, and that he wanted to say good-bye properly. He then said he missed me and I made him happy. I hung up the phone, grinning ear to ear, squealing like a little girl.

That was Saturday afternoon and I knew he’d be busy from then going forward. On Sunday it’s like he disappeared. My life didn’t stop. I got my kiddos back and life kept going as usual for me. It felt odd to go from two weeks of non-stop texting back and forth with him to a cold turkey stop. On Monday, there was little texting, but I knew he was driving back to Ohio with his son.

On Tuesday afternoon, there was a little back and forth texting followed by, what I like to call, a text bomb:

“By the way, planning out the week, it doesn’t look like there will be a good night for the two of us to get together. Sorry if you already carved out the time… [for someone to watch your kids].”

Deep breath. How to do I respond to this? Quite frankly, I’m annoyed. I have two kids and can make time to text and call and even to go out for dinner sometimes. He has one kid and the world stops.

WTF? (like I said, text bomb)

This is a bigger red flag for me than him wanting to get a hotel room on Date #3. I can handle the male desire to get frisky too soon, and set a boundary about that. But I do not have the patience to be put on a shelf every other week because you can’t multi-task when your kid is around. I don’t need to meet his child anytime soon, we don’t need to meet in-person when his child is visiting, but you can certainly send a text and keep getting to know each other in the meantime, right? Right?

The answer is yes, yes you can, and I know that clearly. My response: “Oh that stinks, but I get it”

Actually no, I don’t get it, but I don’t think it’s worth it to confront this unless I’m given more context than that. Actions speak louder than words.

Maybe I didn’t make enough of an impression in 4 dates. Maybe he’s a coward and doesn’t want to change. Maybe he likes me when he’s single, but not when he’s in dad mode. Maybe I’m jaded and make up excuses for people too often, and then I get pissed when things don’t work out. Maybe I’m a fool because I rush in, or maybe I’m brave because I walk away. All I know for sure is if I’m making an effort, someone else should be too or dating them is just plain stupid.

Stifle Me Not