July | 2019 | Stifle Me Not

Today is my 40th birthday.

Apparently I had it in my head that I was going to have some kind of big birthday celebration all year leading up to today. And when it didn’t happen, I wasn’t surprised, but I guess I was a little disappointed. But I don’t really know why, because I’m not really sure who would have thrown me a party or baked me a cake. I have no husband, or boyfriend for that matter. My friends all live far away. And my family is wrapped up in many other things these days.

Unfortunately, when I woke up today. I found out that my stepmom’s father had to go into hospice. It will only be a matter of days and he will leave this life. It put a little bit of a damper on the day. Here I want to celebrate my 40 years on earth and someone else is about to take his last breath. It’s heartbreaking, and unfair, and very real.

My parents took me out to eat last night and that was nice. I got a few cards and flower arrangements in the mail and that was nice. I spent the day swimming with my kids and listening to them laugh. That was great. At the end of the day, I made my own quesadilla and did a load of laundry.

Today may not have been the best day ever for a birthday celebration, but I’m alive and healthy and about to start a new decade. And for that I am grateful.

Happy Birthday to Me

Stifle Me Not

My name is changed. I’ve financially stabilized myself. My kids and I are getting in a routine of back and forth visits with their dad. Everyone appears to be healthy and happy (until it’s bed time, and then let the grumbles roll). And just as we’ve finally adjusted to this new normal, to something stable and familiar, my ex decides to complicate things – this is what he does.

This week he sent me a text message saying he’s “been seeing someone” and he planned to have her over and introduce the kids to her. All of the emotions came in waves – worry about my kids’ well-being, anger that he’s choosing someone that isn’t me, and relief that he’s moving on… all the feelings wrapped up into a tangled web of past memories and future hopes and dreams. My savor thought was “you got rid of him, you told him to leave and didn’t want to put up with his shit”. Oh yea, I did.

His text came later in the afternoon when I was at work on Tuesday. I simply replied “Ok” and moved on about my day. I didn’t have the time or energy to dwell on that new development while at work. After work, I got in my car and drove off, as the tears streamed down… but only for about 5 minutes. It was weird. I thought I might be a mess. I might cry all night. But I couldn’t really cry. It was an initial shock wave of tears that just… stopped. Because, other than being concerned that this new woman will treat my kids well, I just didn’t care.

Haha, I just don’t CARE! And oh my gosh that is a great and freeing feeling.

My daughter was confused as to why I wasn’t upset when she told me about the evening that they had dinner and hung out with their dad’s new friend (aka victim). I let her know that as long as this person is kind and treats them well, it’s all okay. My daughter feels as though her dad is replacing me. He is, in his own way, for his own selfish needs. It isn’t really about me – he really can’t ever replace me.

I always knew this day would come – when I’d have to face the fact that he’s choosing someone else over me , but I’m irreplaceable. I assured my daughter that everything is going to be okay, and even told her that I’m “irreplaceable” as their mom. She looked at me with wide eyes, surprised at my optimism.

Knowing this man that I spent 18 years of my life with, I know that he does not change. His basic human nature is ego-driven, always, and this poor woman is now in the center of his world, which is a self-filled mess of his needs. And I am free.

Stifle Me Not