Where have I been? Long time, no write. I feel like I’ve been hibernating, but it’s gone into several seasons.

Last summer I went back to church and re-prioritized my thinking. Big perspective shift. This blog started as a venting mechanism when I started the divorce process. It evolved into a series of “funny” (but not so funny) dating disasters that I found myself in post-divorce. And now it has lingered in the blogosphere, collecting cyber dust, for the past year.

So where am I now? Nowhere in particular, but certainly not in the hell hole I was in with divorce, dating, and very little divinity in my life. I opened the Bible last August, went back to church, changed my priorities, and drama literally disappeared from my life. It’s been so amazing that I crave nothing less. It also probably helps that I stopped dating cold turkey. Dating gave me great blog content, but very little peace.

In February, I briefly chatted with a guy who asked me out. I initially agreed, but as time got closer to meet, I backed out. I didn’t see it going anywhere and felt like it was a waste of both of our times. He was mad, and I just didn’t care. That’s when I knew I needed to stay away from dating awhile longer. If I wasn’t being serious, I shouldn’t drag someone else down with me.

Things have been very timely. A big project kicked off at my work in February and carried throughout the spring and summer. Things are finally easing up at work and my kids are back in school and sports. My life is so full right now. I don’t sit down to relax until 8 pm every night, and once I do my eyes are closing soon after that. Between my work and kids, I have no true social life. Sad but true. But do I really need anything more right now? Clearly I’m tired.

I have a hunch that I do – these days won’t least forever. My daughter started high school this year, and it’s been a wakeup call. Even though my son is still in elementary school, the time with my daughter is going by so fast. I know I’ll blink, and my son will be on his way to his own independence in no time. That leaves me with me, and me. I thought about getting a dog, but that sounds like more work than dating. I’ve had so much responsibility for so many years that I’m up for the path of least resistance these days.

It’s now been 5 whole years since I moved away from my “married” home (where I was for 10 years). I’ve reached my past marriage “half-life”. I guess I thought I’d meet someone sooner than 5 years of being single. But I haven’t. And I’m still living, day by day, not thrilled to be alone, but certainly not miserable, and definitely not desperate to settle.

I went on one date in the middle of the summer. One date. And it was disappointing. We chatted for a week leading up to the date. It seemed positive, but the actual date gave way to reality. He was 15 minutes late, had on a wrinkly T-shirt, and stepped on my toes (at the start and the end of the date). When the $35 food bill arrived, he stared at it entirely too long, causing me to offer to pay for my share of it. He accepted my money, and that was it for me. He had a great job and lived in an apartment, I don’t think finances were the issue. I’m not out for a free meal, but I am looking for someone to take the lead a little bit. I’m an independent person, but I don’t steal the show. I let men be men, and he didn’t do that. We went to a few shops afterward, but I think my brain went on auto-pilot after that. In the end, he gave me hug (and stepped on my toes again) and said “Give me a call some time… if you want.” My brain: Nope.

He knew, I knew, we both knew this wasn’t going past date #1.

I drove home in a daze, but not upset. The last year already showed me how disappointing a date can be. I’ve had much worse dates. And all of those previous dates paid, so that wasn’t the true kicker. Dating is very much a numbers game. The odds of “finding” someone who compliments you is slim already. Add in my age bracket, tendency to be risk-adverse (by nature and due to having 2 kids), and my own personal preferences — well, that’s a recipe for extra slim chances in the dating world.

I keep going back to my original conclusion –> I don’t think it’s up to me. Only God can pair you with who makes the most sense for you, and in the timing that’s right for both of you. I keep going back to this conclusion. Maybe I’m in denial, maybe I’m in fantasy land, maybe I’m nuts. I’ll continue to go on dates if the opportunity is there, but I don’t think you “find” any one person. You can control it to a point — you can impress them and they impress you, you can start dating and hide feelings about things you don’t agree with, but if a person isn’t truly good for you, it comes out someway or somehow. I’d rather wait forever than force something.

I used to feel like I was waiting around for something to happen. Or until I could make something happen. Now I’m living day by day with an open mind, rather than a controlling mind. It’s on my mind, but not consuming me.

When the time is right, I the Lord will make it happen. Isaiah 60:22

Stifle Me Not (or do, whatever is best)