My life has changed since November 23rd, when I got the news that I’m not “healthy”, even though I’ve been going through life feeling and functioning very well. It’s insane to me that your body can deceive you like that. I know my diagnosis is in the early stages, so feeling well is to be expected, but I guess with cancer you get images of cancer patients in your head and forget that they went through this phase of finding out first, before they got to the treatment phase where you don’t feel well from side effects.

I’ve been knocked down mentally, emotionally, and spiritually many times, but my body has always been there for me. I’ve always been able to count on myself to be physically capable. Knowing that my body isn’t cooperating is throwing me a giant life curveball. I’m used to sucking it up and dealing with just about anything physically (a cold, aches, etc.) because “I’m healthy”. To have someone tell me otherwise is such a shock. I’m angry about this part, I feel tricked by my own body.

I’m equally eager to move forward and stop in my tracks all at the same time. I met with a surgeon, who was wonderful and explained everything very well. I trust that she’ll do a great job. Her team is great as well – all of the nurses explain things in detail and communicate great. My next step is to get an MRI this coming week, followed by a series of appointments to discuss more details of the surgery and meet with the oncologist to dive into the best “treatment plan”.

The purpose of the MRI is to make sure it hasn’t spread anywhere else in my body. Ugh. I will be suppressing the knot in my stomach until I find out more in the results meeting.

In the meantime, I’m gradually telling people who are close to me about my “news”. I’ve had a few weeks to digest this information, so watching a person’s face contort before my very eyes as their brain tries to grasp what they just heard and what it all means is surreal. Sometimes I choke up a little when I tell someone, and sometimes I’m as matter-a-fact as can be. Everyone wants to say “let me know if there’s anything I can do for you” or they immediately dive into a story about someone they know who’s in this situation. I don’t blame them, I used to be the same way.

I won’t have any surgery or treatment done until at least January, so I’m trying to enjoy the Christmas season while I can. Most days I go about my same routine, with occasional tears in my eyes in my car, as I overthink during a drive from home to work or wherever. And then I catch myself being too negative before I know all the information yet, and I scold myself for doing what I know I should not do.

I have two great kids and an army of a family behind me. God has some plan here and I have to trust it. Every bad thing in my life has turned out for the better. I said a prayer not long ago to God, praying that He help me with this breast pain I get each time I go through my female cycle. I’ve always thought it to be “normal” because I’ve had some sort of pain for a long time, but when you deal with something for so long, sometimes you don’t realize just how bad it’s become. It turns out that all along my hormone levels have been very high and they are the cause of this madness. Although breast cancer isn’t really in my family, there are other things that indicate the females in my family have had other issues that relate to high estrogen and progesterone.

This isn’t what I had in mind, God, but I know there’s a reason I’m not seeing yet.

Stifle Me Not