This week I went for an MRI. I’ve never had one before, and I will not forget the experience in that freezing dim hospital basement. I knew an MRI could be a claustrophobic experience, but the loud noises (even with ear plugs) were so shocking to me. It was a full half hour of loudness while I laid as still as possible and thought every thought imaginable. I was worn out after that.

I already have an appointment lined up next week to discuss the MRI results, so it came as a complete surprise when a nurse called the very next day to tell me the results. They returned in less than 24 hours. It was both great, and not so good news. Great news because they couldn’t see anything had spread outside of my left breast. For awhile, that was all I heard, even as the nurse continued talking. I was so thankful that the worst of the worst wasn’t a reality in that moment. It had been a grueling three weeks of only knowing small amounts of information. To know the rest of my body is “safe” for now, that was great news.

The not so good news, though, was that there were more spots in my already troubled area, which means I’ll need a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy. It didn’t bother me on that initial phone call, but I’m still processing it. The nurse was wonderful and answered every question I had. A plastic surgeon called me within the next 20 minutes to make me an appointment. Over the next few weeks, I have four appointments coming up: breast surgeon (to finalize surgery plan), oncologist (to discuss post-surgery treatment plan), plastic surgeon (to plan reconstruction), and a genetic testing counseling meeting (to go over my genetic testing bloodwork results).

My mind is so full. My surgery is tentatively scheduled for January 22nd and will take 4 – 6 weeks for recovery.

Meanwhile, work is nonstop, I woke up today to my son having a 100.4 degree fever, next weekend is Christmas, my daughter’s birthday is next month, and my kids are both in sports. Life is not stopping. In fact, I feel like it’s going extra fast.

I’m trying to concentrate on the good news and not let anything drag me down, but all it takes is one sneaky little thought to send my mind racing. All it takes is one stupid thought to make my eyes shine with tears, and I become stuck in a pit of what ifs. This is annoying and not healthy. I usually pull myself out of it after a few red lights, but I’d really love not to overthink at the moment. Wish I could temporarily pause my brain waves.

For now, I have enough information to know it’s not all doom and gloom head, but it’s also not going to be a picnic either. I know once this process starts, I’m going down an all new life path. I have a little over a month to wrap my head around that.

Stifle Me Not