Ringing the bell was surreal. You think the day will never come, then it comes and goes in an instant. It’s been a full week since I completed my last round, and I’m only now starting to have thoughts of relief. It’s been a long hard week since last week because, well, regular life kept going with kids and work, and I still had to process the last round chemo medication out of my system. I got to ring a bell, but then had to keep going anyway. It’s a milestone, but not the finish line.

Even though I’m “done” with that phase, my mind can’t wrap itself around that fact. I was tidying up a few things, putting away some anti-nausea pills, and I had a thought about when I need to refill them. Then a wave of relief washed over me “I don’t have to refill them!” It’s only going to get better from here.

I woke up today and did things a little differently. I stretched. I went outside, walked in the dewy grass, sat in the morning sunlight for a little bit. I didn’t immediately go to my spot on the couch with coffee. I soaked in being alive for a little bit before I opened my laptop.

Then I realized that today is my 5-day divorce anniversary. It’s officially been 5 full years since I signed that paperwork to legally split me from my ex. Historically, this day brings bad feelings of regret about the past. It makes me think of the good and bad memories and what I could’ve done more of to save my unsavable marriage. It certainly doesn’t make me happy, I’m not celebrating that I’ve been divorced for 5 years. But I’m not sad about it either. I do think it was necessary. It was toxic and unhealthy.

Signing the divorce papers was a milestone for me saying enough is enough, but it wasn’t the finish line in the relationship with my ex. I still have to interact with him, co-parent with him, and continue to breathe even after he’s spewed a bunch of nonsense I don’t agree with. There was no finish line. Just a milestone.

I feel like we all run this race in life toward finishing things. But really, life is just a series of milestones, big or small or something in between. Nothing is ever really finished if you’re still alive.

So today, instead of ruminating in the past about the milestone of my unsavable marriage, I’d rather celebrate that I’m a week out from ringing the bell and looking forward to achieving many more future milestones. Some are clear and some are yet to be determined.

I have some obvious ones, like going through radiation and reconstruction, but I’m setting some of my own goals to accomplish moving forward too. When it comes to breast cancer, I know stress was a big factor. But I also know environmental and nutrition habits were obvious contributors as well. And although all of my genetic testing came back negative, I think my genes play a part in this as well. I can’t control that part, but I can control my choices related to the other variables.

I’m reviewing and resetting on this day, and in the months and years ahead. I have to pay attention to my stress, nutrition, and environment … and evaluate how I’m being impacted regularly. I can’t go back to the rat race. Even when I rejoin the rat race, I’m not racing, I’m walking.

I’m so good at handling stress. Almost too good. I’m good to the point of denial, and then it eats me alive. And when I’m stressed, I rush. When I rush, I don’t think about the quality of my nutrition or environment. I just do things to get them done, to finish, and I don’t keep my own wellbeing in mind.

If being diagnosed with breast cancer and going through chemo has done anything, it has shed light on my mortality. If I’m not here, I’m not here for my kids or family. I matter. I’ve been going through life to quickly and blindly to appreciate why I even matter.

I’ve reached a milestone where I can’t go backward now. Only forward.

Stifle Me Not