Back in July I wrote about how I was excited that my guy friend and I turned into a bigger relationship. It was an actual healthy relationship, or so I thought. We moved along successfully for three months at a good pace. And then it abruptly stopped.

In the last month, I haven’t felt good (my doctor was adjusting dosages on my meds) and the guy I’ve been seeing caught some narly pneumonia. The last time we hung together was early September. We’ve regularly talked and texted almost every night though. One evening, mid-Sept, he did get defensive with me over something I said. I immediately apologized because I truly had no ill-intent. We talked it out, he seemed to accept my apology, and we continued as we normally do in the days and weeks to follow.

Fast forward to this last weekend in September. I was very excited to finally spend a full weekend with him. We were both feeling much healthier, and my kids were going with their dad for the weekend. We were supposed to go to a race on Friday night and a party on Saturday night. We’ve had these plans in place for over a month.

On Thursday, the day before we’re supposed to hang out, we’re texting back and forth throughout the day like we normally do. Although we work together, he’s in another building away from me. We rarely see each other at work. He texts me that the race is going to be cancelled because of rain. I’m bummed because it sounded fun, but then I got a little excited because I was looking forward to hanging out with him no matter what. I looked up some other things to do and found a movie we’ve both been wanting to see in the theater. I tell him about it, and he responds that he’d rather go to his friend’s get-together.

To add more context, this group of friends has a get-together every Tuesday and Friday. It is something he always does, so this caught me by surprise. I thought he’d want to hang out with me one-on-one since it’d been 3 weeks since we’ve been able to spend time together. I was annoyed by this and decided to hold off on responding. I didn’t want to immediately be a jerk when we’re just texting back and forth. Finally, around 2 pm, I responded saying I was “confused and a little thrown off” by what he wanted to do. I asked where I fit in and why he wanted to do what he normally does.

He responded that he wanted me to meet that group of friends, so he didn’t think it was a bad idea. I texted right back and said, ok, I’m taking this wrong, I see what you mean. And I left it at that. I then asked if those same friends would be at the party on Saturday night.

He never replied back. When I left work at 5 pm, I called him. No answer. He texts me that he’ll call me later. I text back “Ok”. The hours burned away to 8:30 pm. I text him and ask what he’s doing. No response. He finally calls me about 8:45 pm and starts with small talk. I ask how he’s feeling, and he says, “I’m just gonna leave this right here.”

Uhh, what? Leave this right here?

He’s very avoidant of confrontation. He wouldn’t say “I don’t like this; I’m breaking up with you”.

I was completely shocked. I actually yelled at him quite a bit and wouldn’t let him off the phone right away. I wasn’t cruel, but I did let a string of unhappy and truthful words spew out of my mouth. He kept trying to get off the phone. I finally just hung hup.

Hindsight is 20/20. I thought back to him being offended by what I said a couple weeks earlier, and realized this must’ve been brewing in his mind for longer than our text conversation. He proceeds to say that I make him feel judged, and he’s just going to leave this right here.

I guess me asking a question for clarification on plans is judgement in his mind.

I tried texting him on Friday morning. I told him I was heartbroken and couldn’t believe this was happening. No response. I didn’t expect one. The whole weekend went by and no contact at all. I know better than to reach out any more than what I did. I feel like a bag of trash put out on the curb. Discarded. I was just being myself, so I guess if he doesn’t like questions or someone who needs clarification sometimes, then I’m not the girl for him.

This is extra heartbreaking because he was my friend to start. I’m not only losing an intimate relationship, but also a friendship. I cried all the tears I can this weekend. I’m back at work. I haven’t had any encounters with him and hope not to anytime soon.

The worst part is I wasn’t even trying to date. No online dating. No going out. I was literally healing from cancer treatments on my couch, and he wiggled right into my little heart by checking on me, telling me dumb jokes, and waiting until I felt a little better to ask me out.

I’m astonished at how foolish I can be after all these years.

Stifle Me Not (or do, whatever)