Category Archives: Breast Cancer

Another Milestone Complete

Breast Cancer, Healing, Hope, Motivation, Radiation

Today marked my 28th and final radiation treatment. When I woke up today, I remembered that it was my last scan day. I was happy about that. I left work at the same time I always do, 10:18 AM, and arrived to radiation like I always do, waving to the receptionists. But today I announced it was my last scan. I changed my clothes and impatiently waited in my gown for the radiation technicians to call my name. I was a little sad to leave them. They have made this experience way better than I ever imagined. There are many nurses and technicians who have made this entire process so much better. I’m fortunate to have been surrounded by such great people. My scan went quickly, like it always does. I got dressed, rang the bell, and fled to freedom outside. I breathed in the outdoors, the freedom. I’m a blessed one. I know some people don’t make it this far.

Another milestone complete. I’m so proud of myself.

This year I’ve successfully completed:

  • Mastectomy/Recovery (Jan – March)
  • Chemo (March – May)
  • Radiation (June – July)

Next up: Hormone therapy (5 – 10 years) and a targeted treatment prescription (2 years) – just in case there are any rouge cells that try to form after chemo and radiation.

I feel good. I feel accomplished. I feel like I can keep going. And my hair is growing back, so that’s encouraging. I’d like to have hair before winter because it gets cold without much hair!

I know this journey isn’t over, but a new leg of it is just beginning. Go me!

Stifle Me Not

26 Down, 2 to Go… and a Slow New Start

Change, Dating, Healing, Honesty, Perspective Shift, Radiation, Trust

I’m nearing the end of radiation treatment. On Monday, it will be done. Looking back, this past month hasn’t been bad at all. I think it’s been as good as it can be. No one wants to go through any kind of treatment, but this doesn’t feel like a medical treatment. It feels like something has been added to my routine for a month – just another thing to complete each day, like brushing my teeth. All of the radiation technicians and my doctor have been amazing. Radiation doesn’t have the overshadowing of “doom and gloom” that chemo had. I’ve even been making friends in the waiting room.

Throughout the past month, something has happened that I didn’t see coming… I started getting into a new relationship.

Like What? Why now? Yea, that’s what I was thinking too.

As luck, or fate, or whatever would have it, I’ve been getting to know a guy better that I’ve known for over two years. He had an on/off girlfriend most of the time I’ve known him, but he caught my eye from the moment I met him. The physical attraction has always been there. As I got to know him with small encounters here and there, I learned some things about him, but not the whole picture. So, I made assumptions early on and excluded him as someone that wouldn’t be in my dating pool.

At the end of last year, I chatted with him occasionally. When an encounter between us would end, I found myself wanting to know more about him. I was interested, but I wasn’t going to push anything, especially since he had a long-term girlfriend. And, as detours in life happen, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in mid-November and my mind shifted from wondering about potential new relationships to focusing on my health and immediate family. That’s all I had the energy for.

One day in early January, he informed me that he and his girlfriend had broken up. That sparked my interest, but I was doubtful anything could really happen between him and me. I was about to get a boob lopped off and start cancer treatment. It didn’t seem like a good time to let him know I was interested. And I valued him as a friend, so I decided it wasn’t best to pursue anything outside of friendship. I know men aren’t mind-readers, but I figured he’d do the pursuing if he had interest too.

Before I knew it, I was going through the recovery process of a mastectomy. The possibility of ever dating again was gone. It took me the full 6 weeks to recover from that surgery and it was tough. The first week was a blur – my new normal was being zonked out on pain medication and overall discomfort. As I started to heal in the first few weeks, I’d get occasional texts from this man. He’d check on me, see if I needed anything, and then leave me alone. His texts would come when I needed it most. He’d tell me a joke and we’d banter back and forth. I started to look forward to his texts, and I was bummed when I wouldn’t hear from him.

Many friends checked on me during that time, but he was the only one (outside of my immediate family) that consistently checked on me. I knew I could reach out to him if I wanted to, but I felt like he’d think I’d want more than a friendship, which I wasn’t sure about. I didn’t want to seem like some kind of desperate person, trying to get attention because I was at a low point in my life. So, I did nothing.

As we moved into Spring, I went back to work and we chatted/texted sometimes. He was so great to talk to, but it never lasted long. There was always and interruption. And I was about to start chemo. In my mind, no one wants to start a relationship with someone who’s going through chemo. And I figured no one going through chemo would feel good enough to keep up a new relationship. I also didn’t know the real him that well. I did on the surface, but not too personally. All of our conversations were “light” and “fun”. Nothing too in-depth. I sensed there was more depth there by a few comments he made, but I held back, especially with chemo on the horizon.

As chemo started, he continued to check on me. For the entire 12 weeks, I’d hear from him every few weeks. It was weird, because I was seriously in the dumps, and he’d surface right when I needed him most. On chemo, there are some very bad days – physically, mentally, emotionally. He’d send a message when I’d be in the middle of a crying meltdown, and just the fact that he thought to reach out was enough to cheer me up.

Once chemo was over, I continued on my usual path: Single, trying to be a good mom, healing, and forging ahead to what was next — radiation treatments. And I did just that. Then one Friday, I got a message from him. He started a light conversation and proceeded to tell me that he thought I needed someone, and he wanted to set me up with his friend.

I was very surprised at this. He started telling me about his “friend”. I was a little bummed because I wanted to get to know him more, not his friend. I went along with asking questions about his friend. This lasted until the next morning. I was suspicious about the whole thing. Something was off about how he was describing his friend.

Finally, he confessed there was no friend. He initially planned to set me up with his “friend” and then he was going to show up instead, but he second-guessed himself. He was afraid I’d be mad at him for doing that. I’m not sure how I would’ve felt. I was already disappointed we were talking about his friend when I wanted to get to know him better. When he fessed up, I had a wave of relief over me. And then he said he’d like to take me out sometime and that he’d been wanting to for a while.

My female brain malfunctioned in that moment. I’m pretty sure I went back to being 15 years old again. I turned into a smooshy bag of girl mush. I told him I’d love to go out with him too. We mutually admitted we both wanted to be more than friends after 6 long months.

The very next weekend, he took me to dinner. We chatted the whole drive. Chatted the whole dinner. Chatted the whole drive back. He picked me up and dropped me off back at home. It was an expensive dinner, and he paid. I was actually nervous and so happy to be with him. I was learning even more great stuff about him. We’ve continued to talk almost every night (for hours), have had more dates, and even got together once with our kids. He has a son and I have my two kids.

I don’t see signs of this stopping (even though I’ve looked every which way for them). I’m glad radiation is almost over, and I’m really happy a great friend is turning into something more than I ever imagined. We’re moving along at a slow pace, but it’s good pace for both of us right now.

Stifle Me Not

15 Down, 13 to Go

Breast Cancer, Healing, Radiation

I’ve had 15 radiation treatments, 13 more to go. Yesterday was my half-way point. So far so good. The radiation staff is great and fun to see every day. I get to work at 8 AM every day, and no sooner do I get into work, I have to turn around and leave for radiation a little after 10 AM. It breaks up the morning but also interrupts the morning. Sigh, only 13 more to go. My side effects are minimal so far. My radiated skin looks slightly tan and I’m a little tired. Other than that, full speed ahead with knocking this out.

Although, careful what I wish for. The day after my last scan, I go get an injection. Then that same week I start on a new drug to prevent this from happening again. And the following week I start on another drug as well. Both are inhibitors, one inhibits an enzyme in estrogen, the other inhibits a protein. They work together to ensure cancer doesn’t try to develop again. But they also each come with their own side effects. One is a short-term drug (2 years), and the other is longer term (5 to 10 years).

I can do this. I’ve come this far, more than 6 months into my journey, I can keep going.

I. Can. Keep. Going.

There are many things going on in my personal life that I can’t seem to get out right now. I guess those are for another post. Just trying to get through treatments, to get to the next new normal for me, but also trying to enjoy the present as much as possible.

Stifle Me Not

1 Down, 27 to Go

Breast Cancer, Exercise, Radiation

Since last week I’ve gotten back to working out and walking. I’ve been waking up every morning by 5:30 AM, have coffee with a small breakfast, then go for a 1-mile walk before 6:30 AM. I get to work around 8 AM, live out the workday, and sometimes do Pilates in the evening. I’m not overdoing it so far. I have more energy than I know what to do with. My sister asked if I was on drugs the other day because I was so energized. I said, “No, that’s just it, I’m no longer on drugs!”

About a week ago I went for my setup scan, and they said more than once, “Don’t expect a call from us to set up your radiation treatments for at least 2 weeks.” Okay then. So, I set my expectations to not starting radiation any sooner than the end of June. Yesterday I got a call to set them up, starting with the very next day, which is today. Okay then.

It was fairly quick. I know and understand the side effects, and I’m not looking forward to them. But I’m happy to get a faster start than I was expecting. Time to get the next phase of active treatment over with.

Radiation #1 has come and gone. 1 down, 27 more to go. We’ll see how long I can continue to wake up at 5:30 and go for a walk.

Stifle Me Not

I Did It!

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Change, Healing, Hope, Motivation, Positive Attitude

Yesterday I completed my last round of chemotherapy. And today I got my last shot to increase my white blood count, which always follows the day after a chemo treatment. I was dreading this last treatment. And rightly so, I didn’t have a port, so my veins in my one arm are getting abused. Third poke was the charm, with the help of an ultrasound machine to locate a good vein. My doctor appointment went well after that, but then it took a couple of hours to be cleared from my bloodwork to start the infusion process — because my results were sent to the wrong department. My infusion lasted from Noon to 3 PM. And I finally got to ring the bell!

For as much dread as I’d had the last week leading up to this appointment, I was so excited to ring the bell! I was all smiles as so many nurses gathered around to clap for me and hug me and take pictures. As I walked out the exit, people in the waiting room were clapping for me. It felt great to get through this milestone!! I don’t ever want to do that again!!

Next week is my setup scan for the next milestone – Radiation. From what I hear, it’s way better than the chemo. And I get to start growing my hair back out!

I’m so proud of myself. I almost bypassed chemo altogether for fear of the side effects, but I think this was a good thing. It was doable. Hard, but doable.

Time to move into the next season. More goals ahead.

Stifle Me Not

Getting Through #3

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Healing, Honesty, Motherhood, Positive Attitude

Treatment #3 was a success. It was delayed, but it happened. I now see why chemo ports are a thing. Since my treatment plan is 4 treatments, I wasn’t ordered to have a port put in. Little did I know how destructive one chemo treatment can be to one vein, and nearby veins. Treatment #1 was easy since I was undamaged. Treatment #2 was easy at first, but I needed a new IV in a new vein by the last medication. By this week, Treatment #3, the nurses were struggling to find a sturdy entranceway.

Everything was delayed by about an hour on Monday because I they had to redraw blood and poke me about 4 different times. God bless the very experienced nurse that was finally able to deal with my veins.

And God Bless my dad for impatiently waiting through it all, and continuing to wait with me for the next 4 hours. My mom helped me out when I had my mastectomy in January. And my dad has been taking me to all of the chemo treatments. I don’t wish this on any parent, no matter how old their child is. I’m so thankful for both of them being here for me, and helping me out with my kids. In the first few days after treatment, I’m useless. My dad has been picking up my son and taking him to and from school when I can’t. My mom checks on me religiously, as does my sister and some of my close friends.

No matter how much this sucks, this experience is making me so grateful for everyone in my life.

Today is a struggle. Somehow, I managed to get out of bed to say goodbye to my daughter before she caught the bus. Somehow, I managed to make my son a bagel, pack his lunch, and send him off with grandpa to school. Somehow, I managed to get on my work laptop to answer a few emails. And, somehow, I was even able to make myself an omelet.

I’m doing it. I’m getting through round #3.

Stifle Me Not

Here We Go Again

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks

I’ve had a full week of being semi-normal. I went into work every day. I didn’t work a complete full day every day, but at least 6 hours each day. And I took care of my kids and home, and I had some decent energy. I even did a Pilates workout and plucked a new eyebrow hair. Didn’t see that coming!

But yesterday I filled two prescriptions, one a steroid and one an anti-nausea medication, to prep for my next treatment on Monday. Ugh. It’s crazy how I get through 3 weeks and feel almost great, only to do it all over again. And I’m not even having that many rounds! I will forever feel for anyone who has been in these shoes.

I am now technically halfway done. I’ve been through 2 (of 4) treatments as well as the 3 healing weeks that follow, so 6 out of 12 weeks are complete. Even though I will be so happy and want to celebrate my last treatment, it won’t truly be complete until a few weeks later. The treatments are but a few hours, but the actual healing comes in the weeks that follow.

Tomorrow is the last day I’ll feel “normal” for about two weeks. On Sunday I start steroids again, which cause me to be all over the place. I get a lot accomplished, but it messes with me. Monday is the treatment. Tuesday is a white blood cell injection. Wednesday I go off steroids and begin to not feel well, which lasts into the weekend. By Sunday I can drive again. The next week is somewhat of a wildcard, at least at the start of the week. I have to watch what I eat and how much I do. By the end of the week I’m usually rounding the bend into somewhat normal, but tired, mode again. And then I get a week of regular normal. Until the next treatment.

This is hard. I can do it, but that doesn’t make is less hard.

Stifle Me Not

Back to Basics

Breast Cancer, Change, Perspective Shift

Life can be hard enough when you have normal health. But when you add medical treatments in the mix, daily life becomes very deliberate and basic. I look back at what I used to do and wonder how I accomplished so much in 24 hrs.

My mornings used to involve my alarm going off at 5:30 AM with me thinking “I wanna sleep in”, as I shuffled my sleepy self to the shower. I’d rush through the entire morning – getting ready, packing lunches, nagging kids, etc. I’d fly out of the driveway with my son, drop him off at before-school care, and rush through traffic to get to work by 8 AM. I was almost always 5 minutes late. I’d work through a morning of phone calls, emails and people stopping by my office.

Lunch was my break, but not physically. I’d eat and typically go for a mile walk in the park.

Then I’d power through an afternoon of calls, emails, and people interaction to 5 PM. From there I’d race through traffic to get my son from after-care, get home and start dinner. Dinner, clean-up, and parenting all mingled in there. Sometimes I’d fall asleep on the couch by 9 PM (no wonder), and sometimes I’d indulge in wine and snacks and maybe a phone call with a friend or watching a show.

Wow. How impressive I was. For the past 20+ years I’ve been quite literally running my ass off.

Since January, when I had surgery, life has slowed down. When I returned to work from medical leave, it temporarily sped back up. That gave me a sense of normalcy for about 3 weeks and then I started chemo treatments. Life is now very deliberate and slow. I cannot pop out of bed, shower, and immediately caffeinate. My new ritual to pray, hydrate, focus, and determine how much I can handle in a day. That is followed by coffee, but my day is no longer fueled by coffee and chaos. I’m way more intentional about what I choose to do in a day.

Today was one of those days. Yesterday, I went into the office to work for a few hours, and I could feel myself overdoing it. I finally threw in the towel and told my boss I had to leave. I needed a mango smoothie, rotisserie chicken, and a nap. He’s been an absolute angel, allowing me to work both remote and in the office when I’m up to it. I decided that today I did not want to feel overdone. Today I could only handle the basics.

I didn’t sleep well last night and woke up with a terrible headache. My first priority was getting rid of the headache. Going into the office was not going to help that. I hydrated with some organic coconut water and laid under blankies on my couch. When the headache subsided, I made some coffee and toast. My next priority was getting the kids off to school. Next, I texted my lawn guy to see why on earth my yard was still not mowed after more than a week since the last service. It’s been bugging me all week, and I wasn’t about to go all summer having to nag the lawn company – I was ready to switch companies if this is the norm. I usually do all of my own yard work, but chemo has me doing less these days and I’m supposed to stay out of the sun.

Before 9 am, I accomplished getting rid of my headache, getting the kids off to school, and the lawn company magically appeared to mow the lawn. I then started working. My world did not magically combust because I didn’t focus on work first. It got better.

When you get diagnosed with cancer, or anything for that matter, or if something otherwise terrible happens, the first question often seems to be “why?” Why is this happening to me? There may never be a clear answer, but from here it looks like maybe I’m supposed to be paying attention to some very basic things and not let myself be swallowed up for the sake of doing everything I can to burn the candle at both ends.

I think for the past 20 years I’ve been trying to do my best at anything and everything. Now it’s time for me to do my best as some very basic and meaningful things.

Stifle Me Not

In the Thick of It

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Hope, Learning

I’m doing it. I’m halfway through my chemo treatments. Monday was round 2 of 4. Yes, two down, two to go. The actual day of chemo is not hard. And neither is the day after. I’ve been keeping a little notebook of how my days are going and it seems to be that days 3 – 6 are the roughest so far. Yesterday was day 5, and I cried. I looked back in my notebook at what I wrote on day 5 after the first treatment. Yep, I cried. I have two more treatments where I have to be prepared for the emotional dip on day 5.

What a rollercoaster ride this is. Everyone demonizes chemotherapy, but I think all of the other drugs are a big culprit in the process. I think going on and off steroids each treatment messes with me more than the actual chemo. The day before a treatment, you load up on steroids. You continue that the day of, and after, treatment. Also, during treatment, they give you an additional dose through your IV. I’m all hopped up on roids the first 3 days! Then, once I miss the first does of steroids on day 3, I start to go downhill feel like complete crap. The sweating is endless, I feel like a little drunk stumbling around my house, and eating becomes a game.

I’m noticing a pattern. It’s known that you get nauseous or sick during chemo, but I guess no one really steps you through WHY this happens and how you can get through it easier. You get nauseous because eventually your body wants to eliminate all of this hard stuff out of your body. What you do or eat leading up to that first “elimination” is pretty key to how the experience goes. No matter what, your body is going to force out stuff, and you just have to help it along the best you can. I was way more conscious of my food and hydration choices this round, and I really think that helped me. I’m also trying to move around more. Too much sitting is not good. Rest is good, but no movement throughout the day is not good.

Today is a better day than the last week, but today is a tricky day. It’s a day where I feel mentally better, but physically I’m not ready yet. I’m happy to know there was a clearing last time and I can feel the clearing coming this time. My patience has never been so tested in all my life. I’ve never wanted to fast forward through something so bad in all my life. But here I am, in the thick of it.

Although this is hard, I think I’m going to be happy I did this later on. A couple of days ago I woke up and my hair, on my already shaved head, was falling out even more. I needed my 15-year-old daughter’s help with shaving it down more. She didn’t hesitate to help me and patiently helped me shave it down to a zero. I told her how much I appreciated her help and how much I love her. And I told her I’ll be there for her in the middle of the night when she has babies later on and needs help with them. She just said “you better”. And we laughed.

I realized I’m going through this hard time not just to live for me and my kids now, but to also be there for my kids when their days get tougher as adults. I’ve needed my parents more now in my 40s than I did in my teens or 20s. I want that for my kids too.

Stifle Me Not

There’s a Clearing

Breast Cancer, Change, Healing, Learning

As much as I don’t love being a person on chemo treatment, not all of the days are bad. Maybe it started out that way, but there’s a clearing. There’s light. It’s not all doom and gloom.

My first week was rough, but the second week was way better. Easter Sunday was the 7th day since my first treatment and I was fine to go to my parents for Easter dinner, eat, and enjoy the kids getting spoiled by their grandparents. It was the kick-off to a good week.

The past couple of days I feel very normal, other than getting tired a little easier than I normally would. I went into work yesterday for the majority of the day. I came home and was tired, but not exhausted. It was a good productive day.

I think the biggest change for me is veering from my normal eating habits. I have to eat small, frequent meals and avoid acidic or citric foods. I like to eat flavorful and even spicy stuff, so this is odd for me. Also, carbonated beverages are not preferred right now. I usually drink a couple of sparking waters a day, but that is just not appealing right now.

What I wasn’t expecting as the days go on is I can adjust. I had adapted to my new normal of fearing nausea and eating only certain things I knew would agree with me, but now that we’re two weeks in, I can mix it up a little. Also, my energy has returned more. I definitely don’t want to go for a run, but doing errands and basic chores are not a problem. I’ve been working at home and gone in the office a couple of times, and it’s all working out.

I’m doing okay. It’s okay. Another day might be a bad day, but there’s a day after that. There’s a clearing, and it feels good to know I can still enjoy myself during this very different season of my life.

Stifle Me Not