Category Archives: Cancer Sucks

The Waiting Game

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Change, Honesty

There are comfort zones you get into in life. Whether it be a job, a relationship, a lifestyle, etc. They always last for a certain amount of time… 1 year, 5 years, 7 years or more. But in my experience, no matter how long a comfort zone streak lasts, all good things must come to an end. That doesn’t mean you won’t find a new comfort zone, but it may be disruptive, no matter how big or small, as you transition to the next one.

In my 44 years of living, I’ve noticed that my comfort zones last approximately 7 years. Give or take a few years. I won’t count basic childhood years because that’s just a series of disruptions no matter how you look at it. Once I graduated from college, the 7-year phases began. At the end of college, when I was 21, I met my now ex-husband. It was all fun and dreams for 7 full years. We got married at 28. We had a child at 29, and before I knew it, the 30s slapped me in the face with a 7-year streak of learning how to parent. I had a second child one week before turning 36. 7 years of dating, 7 years of marriage/parenting, followed by a new 7-year streak of figuring out my marriage was sham, divorce, and learning how to live on my own with two kids. Not to mention I had a career change in there.

As I enter 2024, after 7 years of figuring out how to navigate this “new” divorced life, I’m now being thrust into another life. No matter what the circumstances in my life, I’ve always been “healthy”. Not being able to define myself as healthy is really throwing me for a loop. Getting up to drink coffee, go to work, take care of kids as usual, and not be considered a healthy person is really messing with me. I feel fine, I’m interacting with everyone fine, but… I’m not fine?

This waiting game from one phase to a next is about as psychotic as it gets. Telling someone they have cancer, but not doing anything about it for 2 full months seems like insanity. Today is Dec 29th. In exactly one month, I have 1-week post-op appointment with my oncologist. I’m not counting down the days to my surgery on Jan 22nd. I’m counting down the days to Jan 29th, when they tell me my recommended fate after my surgery. Surgery is like this big distraction leading up to the actual results that dictate how my next 7 years may or may not go.

I’m not excited to see what’s behind the next curtain. I’d rather the cancer curtain stay shut forever, but I guess this is the next leap out of a comfort zone for me. I want to say things happen for a reason, but that sounds like a load of radiant rainbow bullshit right now. So for the next 30 days I will be going to more appointments and preparing my kids and my work for my healing process. I kick off the New Year with a trip to the plastic surgeon on Jan 2nd. Goody goody gum drops.

I’m not going to be 100% positive. I’m going to be realistic with sprinkles of positivity and challenge-coping in between. I don’t plan on making some big “I’m going to beat this” statement, because I fully plan on living to be at least 92 and a half, plus I know this cancer was caught fairly early and is highly treatable. I just know it’s going to be a change from what I’m used to. I’m used to being 100% in control of every aspect of my life, and this is going to cause me to rely on others, which sounds like a damn nightmare.

It’s time to hurry up and wait for the next 30 days.

Stifle Me Not

Getting Ready

Cancer Sucks, God

My life has changed since November 23rd, when I got the news that I’m not “healthy”, even though I’ve been going through life feeling and functioning very well. It’s insane to me that your body can deceive you like that. I know my diagnosis is in the early stages, so feeling well is to be expected, but I guess with cancer you get images of cancer patients in your head and forget that they went through this phase of finding out first, before they got to the treatment phase where you don’t feel well from side effects.

I’ve been knocked down mentally, emotionally, and spiritually many times, but my body has always been there for me. I’ve always been able to count on myself to be physically capable. Knowing that my body isn’t cooperating is throwing me a giant life curveball. I’m used to sucking it up and dealing with just about anything physically (a cold, aches, etc.) because “I’m healthy”. To have someone tell me otherwise is such a shock. I’m angry about this part, I feel tricked by my own body.

I’m equally eager to move forward and stop in my tracks all at the same time. I met with a surgeon, who was wonderful and explained everything very well. I trust that she’ll do a great job. Her team is great as well – all of the nurses explain things in detail and communicate great. My next step is to get an MRI this coming week, followed by a series of appointments to discuss more details of the surgery and meet with the oncologist to dive into the best “treatment plan”.

The purpose of the MRI is to make sure it hasn’t spread anywhere else in my body. Ugh. I will be suppressing the knot in my stomach until I find out more in the results meeting.

In the meantime, I’m gradually telling people who are close to me about my “news”. I’ve had a few weeks to digest this information, so watching a person’s face contort before my very eyes as their brain tries to grasp what they just heard and what it all means is surreal. Sometimes I choke up a little when I tell someone, and sometimes I’m as matter-a-fact as can be. Everyone wants to say “let me know if there’s anything I can do for you” or they immediately dive into a story about someone they know who’s in this situation. I don’t blame them, I used to be the same way.

I won’t have any surgery or treatment done until at least January, so I’m trying to enjoy the Christmas season while I can. Most days I go about my same routine, with occasional tears in my eyes in my car, as I overthink during a drive from home to work or wherever. And then I catch myself being too negative before I know all the information yet, and I scold myself for doing what I know I should not do.

I have two great kids and an army of a family behind me. God has some plan here and I have to trust it. Every bad thing in my life has turned out for the better. I said a prayer not long ago to God, praying that He help me with this breast pain I get each time I go through my female cycle. I’ve always thought it to be “normal” because I’ve had some sort of pain for a long time, but when you deal with something for so long, sometimes you don’t realize just how bad it’s become. It turns out that all along my hormone levels have been very high and they are the cause of this madness. Although breast cancer isn’t really in my family, there are other things that indicate the females in my family have had other issues that relate to high estrogen and progesterone.

This isn’t what I had in mind, God, but I know there’s a reason I’m not seeing yet.

Stifle Me Not

Cancer Diagnosis

Cancer Sucks, Change, God

One week ago turned into one of the worst days of my life. I got a call from the doctor’s office that my biopsy results were ready, and they weren’t good. “There is evidence of cancer”.

Breast Cancer.

I answered my phone, sitting in my office at work. It was the day before Thanksgiving. The nurse’s voice entered my ear canal, but each word just made me freeze more. I could barely speak. I was stunned. She said she’d call me back soon because she had to call my doctor and have an order put in for me to be scheduled with a surgeon.

I hung up the phone and just sat there. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t move. Everyone else in the office was either gone for the long weekend or intently working. No one knew. No one knew a thing except for me. I finished up whatever meaningless task I was working on and left for Thanksgiving break. I was crying a little, but more so trying to make sense of what I just heard. I drove away and called my mom. She sounded devastated and thoroughly surprised. As far as she knows, this doesn’t run in our family.

My head was swirling with how I was going to tell my family. All I could think was I was ruining Thanksgiving. How was I going to tell my daughter and my son? How in the hell is this happening? What is happening? It’s been one week and I’m still trying to wrap my head around this new reality that hasn’t hit me yet. I find myself doing very basic things, like pumping gas, and then I remember I have a cancer diagnosis. And I can’t help but wonder how hard this is going to be on me physically and mentally.

I’d like to say I don’t remember the rest of last Wednesday, but I remember it all quite clearly in slow motion. After my mom, I called my ex-husband so he would know when I told my kids. His reaction was stupid. Next, I called my dad and asked if he was home so I could stop over. I didn’t want to drop this news on Thanksgiving, so why not the day before? Ugh.

My dad just knew before I could get all the words out and hugged me. My stepmom came home, and I had to tell her. She was a mess. They held it together while I sat there, but I’m sure they lost their minds once I left. I went home and told my kids my results weren’t good. My daughter was a mess. My son doesn’t completely understand because he’s younger. Lastly, I called my sister and then my brother. I just didn’t want to save this for the Thanksgiving dinner table.

It was horrible telling this news to all of these people I love.

The wonderful nurse called me back when I got home. She scheduled me for an appointment with a surgeon the next week. That appointment has already been moved to another surgeon because my cousin, who is a doctor, insisted I see a different surgeon. Over the past week I’ve had an outpouring of love and support from many people. I dreaded coming into work on Monday because I had to tell my bosses and immediate co-workers. I didn’t have to tell them, but it’s only a matter of time before they need to know anyhow. I’m going to need them. I’m going to need all of them.

So now I wait until I see a surgeon next Tuesday to find out more and “start the process”. I know very little, but I know enough to speculate what is coming. My mind is a fog. I’m doing really dumb things, like I walked into a health food store earlier this week to get a couple things, but once I was in the store, I couldn’t remember what I needed. Luckily, I had it on a list.

I was in a health food store because that’s somewhere I go regularly these days. Over the past three years I’ve dramatically improved my lifestyle. I work out regularly, I avoid processed foods and sugar, I don’t drink much alcohol, I get decent sleep. I do all the things you’re supposed to do. I avoid toxic people, I attend church and try to raise my kids to be good humans, and I try my best at all that I do.

And I end up with a cancerous boob that I have no control over. I was very angry. I don’t have time for this. No one has time for this. I’m angry that my kids are going to have to witness the aftermath of this diagnosis when their mom needs to be there for them the most. By the end of the long weekend, I was less angry and more sad. I did get a lot done this weekend that involved physical labor – putting up Christmas decorations, cleaning up leaves in the yard, cleaning out the basement, etc. I couldn’t sit still, my mind wouldn’t let me.

I want to be mad at God, but I’m just not. I’ve been around the block enough times to know He has some greater plan. It will end in blessings. It always does, but I have to hang in there for the ride.

Stifle Me Not