Category Archives: Healing

Time to Strengthen Up

Healing, Positive Attitude

I’m back. My third and hopefully final surgery is done. Now I’m in the aftermath of numerous doctor follow up visits. Some are related to my surgery, and some are just because it’s been over a full year since this shitstorm of a cancer diagnosis started.

It’s been about 4 1/2 weeks since my reconstruction surgery. I’m feeling much better, but not sure on the results. When I saw the plastic surgeon two weeks ago, he assured me things would “even out” a little bit. Well, right now I’m not seeing that. One side looks like half a grapefruit was shoved under my skin, and the other side looks slightly bigger, but gravity took hold and is weighing it down. Thank goodness for sports bras. I’m not going to complain though, because some people can’t even get reconstructed. I’ll take what I can get. This is my new normal. It’s fine. It’s not like my full-time job is to be a Victoria’s Secret model. I’ll be okay.

Also, I don’t ever recommend liposuction. They did fat grafting from my thighs and stomach to try to make my chest look more “natural”. Well, liposuction healing is apparently no joke. In the first couple weeks afterward, I looked like a domestic violence victim with glued up puncture wounds. I’m astonished that people sign up for this just to remove fat and not to correct some other problem. I’d much rather diet and work out than have to heal from puncture wounds and bruising like that ever again. Ick.

My mom was supposed to take me to surgery, but she caught the flu. My dad didn’t hesitate to take me to the hospital that morning. Surgery was about 3 1/2 hours. Started about 8 am, and I was done a little before Noon. My stepmom graciously brough me home by 3 pm. The next day, my dad got the flu. My daughter had bronchitis, and my son was on antibiotics for strep throat. I was surrounded by sickness! I have no idea how I made it to surgery and after surgery without getting sick, but the Holy Spirit protected me from all the germs.

The scheduling of my surgery, and what was going on around me, was amazingly…timely. My surgery was on a Wednesday. My kids’ school was cancelled the next day, Thursday, because of bad weather. Then they were off a long weekend Friday – Monday. This gave them time to get healthy. School was then cancelled again on Tuesday and Wednesday. This was amazing because I couldn’t get my son to school. My dad would’ve been the one to help me transport my son, but he was down and out with the flu himself. I’m not sure what I would’ve done to get my son to school if it hadn’t been cancelled due to weather.

I took pain medication for about 5 days. It was a rough first week. I switched to Tylenol and Advil after the first week because pain medication was starting to give me headaches. My kids helped me with anything heavy, like taking out the trash, hauling laundry baskets, etc. Other than that, I took care of myself. My parents called to check on me, but there wasn’t much they could do since they were both sick. Somehow, I was able to drop my son off at school by the time he did actually have to go back. It was a rough 2nd week as well, but at least I was off pain meds and knew I could drive if I had to.

After a full week, I realized I couldn’t concentrate on working, even if I was at home. I was too uncomfortable. I opted to be out for a full week and a half. I took two more days plus the weekend to continue healing. By the last week of January, I was able to log into my computer, start getting organized and interact with my work team again. I thought it would be a chill slow week at home. Not so much. I caught a big error by one of my employees while working at home. This was good, because it had to be addressed. But bad because it set off a domino effect of other issues. My first week working, while at home, was horrible. It was stress after stress. The following week (my first week back in the office) was just as stressful.

Today is the first day I’ve been able to do uninterrupted work for minutes and hours at a time.

All of the sudden we’re a month out from my surgery. It’s been a whirlwind of a month. I’m blessed that I have the family and job that I have. I’m blessed that I’ve made it through to the other side of yet another surgery. Now we go into maintenance mode. As soon as I get cleared from the plastic surgeon next week, I start physical therapy. All of this healing and sitting has made the tendons in my one arm stiff and it’s difficult to reach upward. After physical therapy, I want to keep it going. I plan to start on a slow but sure workout and healthy eating lifestyle… with occasional treats in between. My goal is not to lose weight, but to get stronger. I lost a lot of muscle this past year, and I want it back, plus some. I gained a lot of mental, emotional, and spiritual strength this year, and now I want to re-strengthen my physical body.

Stifle Me Not

New Year, New Priorities

Change, Healing, Perspective Shift, Positive Attitude

Well, here we are, almost a full year since my mastectomy. I had my second surgery of the year on Mon 11/11 — had my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed. It was surgical removal or keep them chemically suppressed with a monthly injection. The past three months of injections proved to be full of unwanted side effects, so it only made sense to cut the estrogen off at its source.

And now I’m getting ready for another surgery in 5 days, reconstruction at last.

After hitting my grief limit in mid-October (over Mr. Avoidant), I slid back into my steady stable happy single life like nothing ever happened. I finished October on a high note and moved right into November and December without missing a beat. After my surgery, voila! it was time for the holidays. I thoroughly enjoyed my family, friends, and food. It was a great Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year.

I forced myself to refocus on my health and my kids. I haven’t spent an extra thought on Mr. Avoidant for months. Although he works with me, he’s not in the same building. We rarely have an exchange, if any, because my employees are typically the ones who interface with him. There have been two near encounters, but I stopped them before they could start.

One night, after dinner I saw I had a missed call from him. And a text saying something to the effect that he knows I don’t want to talk to him, but he just didn’t want to put my family through whatever it is that he’s going through. It’s alcoholism. That’s what he’s going through. He needs help. He knows it, I know it, everyone knows it, but he remains in denial, which is more than half the battle.

I did text him back. I spoke my mind, basically told him his silence the past couple months was response enough that I needed for my perspective on him. I also told him he’s hurting people by not getting himself help.

Response from him? More silence. It’s fine. It’s sad, disappointing that’s how he deals with problems, but more silence it was. I left it there.

Fast forward to our company Christmas party. I saw him from afar and wanted nothing to do with him. He looked terrible. Badly dressed, heavier than I remembered, and drunk. I had to walk past his chair at one point and he asked how I was doing. Uh, fine. F-I-N-E. After the dinner portion of the evening, I went to the restroom, and low and behold, he’s the ONLY other human in the hallway with me. For shits sake. I had to acknowledge his existence. He tried to start a conversation. He must’ve asked how I was doing, and I just said “Good”.

G-O-O-D.

And good I have been. I don’t even know what I was thinking having any kind of romantic connection to that guy. Basically, I was in a bad place (post-chemo, no hair, needing attention), and he’s always in a bad place (alcoholic who tells good jokes to get attention)… it was the perfect storm. He caught me in a vulnerable state, and I allowed it to happen.

Never again.

This New Year, there will be no dates to just date. There will be dates to see if there’s a connection that could potentially work long term. If none, go away. Run far far away. Right now, I’m not even focused on any dating (I guess I wasn’t last time either, but whatever). My focus is to heal from this last surgery and take care of myself and my family. I have a plan to buy a new car. My daughter is going to start driving and take over my current car. I’m taking care of my body, my family, my finances, and anything else that’s important to ME.

My New Years resolution is to give myself grace. Try my best and remember I can’t control everything. God has it.

New Year, New Priorities.

God, Family, Me.

Stifle Me Not

Another Milestone Complete

Breast Cancer, Healing, Hope, Motivation, Radiation

Today marked my 28th and final radiation treatment. When I woke up today, I remembered that it was my last scan day. I was happy about that. I left work at the same time I always do, 10:18 AM, and arrived to radiation like I always do, waving to the receptionists. But today I announced it was my last scan. I changed my clothes and impatiently waited in my gown for the radiation technicians to call my name. I was a little sad to leave them. They have made this experience way better than I ever imagined. There are many nurses and technicians who have made this entire process so much better. I’m fortunate to have been surrounded by such great people. My scan went quickly, like it always does. I got dressed, rang the bell, and fled to freedom outside. I breathed in the outdoors, the freedom. I’m a blessed one. I know some people don’t make it this far.

Another milestone complete. I’m so proud of myself.

This year I’ve successfully completed:

  • Mastectomy/Recovery (Jan – March)
  • Chemo (March – May)
  • Radiation (June – July)

Next up: Hormone therapy (5 – 10 years) and a targeted treatment prescription (2 years) – just in case there are any rouge cells that try to form after chemo and radiation.

I feel good. I feel accomplished. I feel like I can keep going. And my hair is growing back, so that’s encouraging. I’d like to have hair before winter because it gets cold without much hair!

I know this journey isn’t over, but a new leg of it is just beginning. Go me!

Stifle Me Not

26 Down, 2 to Go… and a Slow New Start

Change, Dating, Healing, Honesty, Perspective Shift, Radiation, Trust

I’m nearing the end of radiation treatment. On Monday, it will be done. Looking back, this past month hasn’t been bad at all. I think it’s been as good as it can be. No one wants to go through any kind of treatment, but this doesn’t feel like a medical treatment. It feels like something has been added to my routine for a month – just another thing to complete each day, like brushing my teeth. All of the radiation technicians and my doctor have been amazing. Radiation doesn’t have the overshadowing of “doom and gloom” that chemo had. I’ve even been making friends in the waiting room.

Throughout the past month, something has happened that I didn’t see coming… I started getting into a new relationship.

Like What? Why now? Yea, that’s what I was thinking too.

As luck, or fate, or whatever would have it, I’ve been getting to know a guy better that I’ve known for over two years. He had an on/off girlfriend most of the time I’ve known him, but he caught my eye from the moment I met him. The physical attraction has always been there. As I got to know him with small encounters here and there, I learned some things about him, but not the whole picture. So, I made assumptions early on and excluded him as someone that wouldn’t be in my dating pool.

At the end of last year, I chatted with him occasionally. When an encounter between us would end, I found myself wanting to know more about him. I was interested, but I wasn’t going to push anything, especially since he had a long-term girlfriend. And, as detours in life happen, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in mid-November and my mind shifted from wondering about potential new relationships to focusing on my health and immediate family. That’s all I had the energy for.

One day in early January, he informed me that he and his girlfriend had broken up. That sparked my interest, but I was doubtful anything could really happen between him and me. I was about to get a boob lopped off and start cancer treatment. It didn’t seem like a good time to let him know I was interested. And I valued him as a friend, so I decided it wasn’t best to pursue anything outside of friendship. I know men aren’t mind-readers, but I figured he’d do the pursuing if he had interest too.

Before I knew it, I was going through the recovery process of a mastectomy. The possibility of ever dating again was gone. It took me the full 6 weeks to recover from that surgery and it was tough. The first week was a blur – my new normal was being zonked out on pain medication and overall discomfort. As I started to heal in the first few weeks, I’d get occasional texts from this man. He’d check on me, see if I needed anything, and then leave me alone. His texts would come when I needed it most. He’d tell me a joke and we’d banter back and forth. I started to look forward to his texts, and I was bummed when I wouldn’t hear from him.

Many friends checked on me during that time, but he was the only one (outside of my immediate family) that consistently checked on me. I knew I could reach out to him if I wanted to, but I felt like he’d think I’d want more than a friendship, which I wasn’t sure about. I didn’t want to seem like some kind of desperate person, trying to get attention because I was at a low point in my life. So, I did nothing.

As we moved into Spring, I went back to work and we chatted/texted sometimes. He was so great to talk to, but it never lasted long. There was always and interruption. And I was about to start chemo. In my mind, no one wants to start a relationship with someone who’s going through chemo. And I figured no one going through chemo would feel good enough to keep up a new relationship. I also didn’t know the real him that well. I did on the surface, but not too personally. All of our conversations were “light” and “fun”. Nothing too in-depth. I sensed there was more depth there by a few comments he made, but I held back, especially with chemo on the horizon.

As chemo started, he continued to check on me. For the entire 12 weeks, I’d hear from him every few weeks. It was weird, because I was seriously in the dumps, and he’d surface right when I needed him most. On chemo, there are some very bad days – physically, mentally, emotionally. He’d send a message when I’d be in the middle of a crying meltdown, and just the fact that he thought to reach out was enough to cheer me up.

Once chemo was over, I continued on my usual path: Single, trying to be a good mom, healing, and forging ahead to what was next — radiation treatments. And I did just that. Then one Friday, I got a message from him. He started a light conversation and proceeded to tell me that he thought I needed someone, and he wanted to set me up with his friend.

I was very surprised at this. He started telling me about his “friend”. I was a little bummed because I wanted to get to know him more, not his friend. I went along with asking questions about his friend. This lasted until the next morning. I was suspicious about the whole thing. Something was off about how he was describing his friend.

Finally, he confessed there was no friend. He initially planned to set me up with his “friend” and then he was going to show up instead, but he second-guessed himself. He was afraid I’d be mad at him for doing that. I’m not sure how I would’ve felt. I was already disappointed we were talking about his friend when I wanted to get to know him better. When he fessed up, I had a wave of relief over me. And then he said he’d like to take me out sometime and that he’d been wanting to for a while.

My female brain malfunctioned in that moment. I’m pretty sure I went back to being 15 years old again. I turned into a smooshy bag of girl mush. I told him I’d love to go out with him too. We mutually admitted we both wanted to be more than friends after 6 long months.

The very next weekend, he took me to dinner. We chatted the whole drive. Chatted the whole dinner. Chatted the whole drive back. He picked me up and dropped me off back at home. It was an expensive dinner, and he paid. I was actually nervous and so happy to be with him. I was learning even more great stuff about him. We’ve continued to talk almost every night (for hours), have had more dates, and even got together once with our kids. He has a son and I have my two kids.

I don’t see signs of this stopping (even though I’ve looked every which way for them). I’m glad radiation is almost over, and I’m really happy a great friend is turning into something more than I ever imagined. We’re moving along at a slow pace, but it’s good pace for both of us right now.

Stifle Me Not

15 Down, 13 to Go

Breast Cancer, Healing, Radiation

I’ve had 15 radiation treatments, 13 more to go. Yesterday was my half-way point. So far so good. The radiation staff is great and fun to see every day. I get to work at 8 AM every day, and no sooner do I get into work, I have to turn around and leave for radiation a little after 10 AM. It breaks up the morning but also interrupts the morning. Sigh, only 13 more to go. My side effects are minimal so far. My radiated skin looks slightly tan and I’m a little tired. Other than that, full speed ahead with knocking this out.

Although, careful what I wish for. The day after my last scan, I go get an injection. Then that same week I start on a new drug to prevent this from happening again. And the following week I start on another drug as well. Both are inhibitors, one inhibits an enzyme in estrogen, the other inhibits a protein. They work together to ensure cancer doesn’t try to develop again. But they also each come with their own side effects. One is a short-term drug (2 years), and the other is longer term (5 to 10 years).

I can do this. I’ve come this far, more than 6 months into my journey, I can keep going.

I. Can. Keep. Going.

There are many things going on in my personal life that I can’t seem to get out right now. I guess those are for another post. Just trying to get through treatments, to get to the next new normal for me, but also trying to enjoy the present as much as possible.

Stifle Me Not

Getting Back to “Normal”

Change, Healing, Motivation

It’s weird how, when life throws curve balls, your new normal becomes your everyday normal, and getting back to actual normal feels so abnormal.

I’ve become used to going in for treatments every 3 weeks. For 1.5 weeks after a treatment, I’m somewhat worthless when it comes to work, among other things. Then, by the third week I’m used to getting my energy back and feeling “normal”, but with the nagging awareness that it won’t last long because another treatment is looming.

I don’t have another treatment looming. And it feels weird. Very weird. I’m happy about it, but it’s like I’m having… adjustment issues, for lack of better words to use. It’s like I don’t know how to plan ahead like “normal”.

Up next is radiation. I went for my setup scan. They lined me up and tattooed me with three little dots. My first tattoos. They said they’ll call me in two weeks to schedule out the 28 scans that lie ahead. I don’t have a chemo treatment looming, but I do have a month of radiation awaiting me. They assured me I could live fairly “normally” during this phase.

I have a little break from it all for two weeks, and then I have something to add to my schedule for a month. That’s how I’m trying to look at it anyway. A temporary addition to my schedule, and then I’m free again… for a little while.

This year is just a series of medical obligations. One right after another. I look forward to knocking these all out.

Stifle Me Not

Milestones

Change, Healing

Ringing the bell was surreal. You think the day will never come, then it comes and goes in an instant. It’s been a full week since I completed my last round, and I’m only now starting to have thoughts of relief. It’s been a long hard week since last week because, well, regular life kept going with kids and work, and I still had to process the last round chemo medication out of my system. I got to ring a bell, but then had to keep going anyway. It’s a milestone, but not the finish line.

Even though I’m “done” with that phase, my mind can’t wrap itself around that fact. I was tidying up a few things, putting away some anti-nausea pills, and I had a thought about when I need to refill them. Then a wave of relief washed over me “I don’t have to refill them!” It’s only going to get better from here.

I woke up today and did things a little differently. I stretched. I went outside, walked in the dewy grass, sat in the morning sunlight for a little bit. I didn’t immediately go to my spot on the couch with coffee. I soaked in being alive for a little bit before I opened my laptop.

Then I realized that today is my 5-day divorce anniversary. It’s officially been 5 full years since I signed that paperwork to legally split me from my ex. Historically, this day brings bad feelings of regret about the past. It makes me think of the good and bad memories and what I could’ve done more of to save my unsavable marriage. It certainly doesn’t make me happy, I’m not celebrating that I’ve been divorced for 5 years. But I’m not sad about it either. I do think it was necessary. It was toxic and unhealthy.

Signing the divorce papers was a milestone for me saying enough is enough, but it wasn’t the finish line in the relationship with my ex. I still have to interact with him, co-parent with him, and continue to breathe even after he’s spewed a bunch of nonsense I don’t agree with. There was no finish line. Just a milestone.

I feel like we all run this race in life toward finishing things. But really, life is just a series of milestones, big or small or something in between. Nothing is ever really finished if you’re still alive.

So today, instead of ruminating in the past about the milestone of my unsavable marriage, I’d rather celebrate that I’m a week out from ringing the bell and looking forward to achieving many more future milestones. Some are clear and some are yet to be determined.

I have some obvious ones, like going through radiation and reconstruction, but I’m setting some of my own goals to accomplish moving forward too. When it comes to breast cancer, I know stress was a big factor. But I also know environmental and nutrition habits were obvious contributors as well. And although all of my genetic testing came back negative, I think my genes play a part in this as well. I can’t control that part, but I can control my choices related to the other variables.

I’m reviewing and resetting on this day, and in the months and years ahead. I have to pay attention to my stress, nutrition, and environment … and evaluate how I’m being impacted regularly. I can’t go back to the rat race. Even when I rejoin the rat race, I’m not racing, I’m walking.

I’m so good at handling stress. Almost too good. I’m good to the point of denial, and then it eats me alive. And when I’m stressed, I rush. When I rush, I don’t think about the quality of my nutrition or environment. I just do things to get them done, to finish, and I don’t keep my own wellbeing in mind.

If being diagnosed with breast cancer and going through chemo has done anything, it has shed light on my mortality. If I’m not here, I’m not here for my kids or family. I matter. I’ve been going through life to quickly and blindly to appreciate why I even matter.

I’ve reached a milestone where I can’t go backward now. Only forward.

Stifle Me Not

I Did It!

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Change, Healing, Hope, Motivation, Positive Attitude

Yesterday I completed my last round of chemotherapy. And today I got my last shot to increase my white blood count, which always follows the day after a chemo treatment. I was dreading this last treatment. And rightly so, I didn’t have a port, so my veins in my one arm are getting abused. Third poke was the charm, with the help of an ultrasound machine to locate a good vein. My doctor appointment went well after that, but then it took a couple of hours to be cleared from my bloodwork to start the infusion process — because my results were sent to the wrong department. My infusion lasted from Noon to 3 PM. And I finally got to ring the bell!

For as much dread as I’d had the last week leading up to this appointment, I was so excited to ring the bell! I was all smiles as so many nurses gathered around to clap for me and hug me and take pictures. As I walked out the exit, people in the waiting room were clapping for me. It felt great to get through this milestone!! I don’t ever want to do that again!!

Next week is my setup scan for the next milestone – Radiation. From what I hear, it’s way better than the chemo. And I get to start growing my hair back out!

I’m so proud of myself. I almost bypassed chemo altogether for fear of the side effects, but I think this was a good thing. It was doable. Hard, but doable.

Time to move into the next season. More goals ahead.

Stifle Me Not

Getting Through #3

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Healing, Honesty, Motherhood, Positive Attitude

Treatment #3 was a success. It was delayed, but it happened. I now see why chemo ports are a thing. Since my treatment plan is 4 treatments, I wasn’t ordered to have a port put in. Little did I know how destructive one chemo treatment can be to one vein, and nearby veins. Treatment #1 was easy since I was undamaged. Treatment #2 was easy at first, but I needed a new IV in a new vein by the last medication. By this week, Treatment #3, the nurses were struggling to find a sturdy entranceway.

Everything was delayed by about an hour on Monday because I they had to redraw blood and poke me about 4 different times. God bless the very experienced nurse that was finally able to deal with my veins.

And God Bless my dad for impatiently waiting through it all, and continuing to wait with me for the next 4 hours. My mom helped me out when I had my mastectomy in January. And my dad has been taking me to all of the chemo treatments. I don’t wish this on any parent, no matter how old their child is. I’m so thankful for both of them being here for me, and helping me out with my kids. In the first few days after treatment, I’m useless. My dad has been picking up my son and taking him to and from school when I can’t. My mom checks on me religiously, as does my sister and some of my close friends.

No matter how much this sucks, this experience is making me so grateful for everyone in my life.

Today is a struggle. Somehow, I managed to get out of bed to say goodbye to my daughter before she caught the bus. Somehow, I managed to make my son a bagel, pack his lunch, and send him off with grandpa to school. Somehow, I managed to get on my work laptop to answer a few emails. And, somehow, I was even able to make myself an omelet.

I’m doing it. I’m getting through round #3.

Stifle Me Not

There’s a Clearing

Breast Cancer, Change, Healing, Learning

As much as I don’t love being a person on chemo treatment, not all of the days are bad. Maybe it started out that way, but there’s a clearing. There’s light. It’s not all doom and gloom.

My first week was rough, but the second week was way better. Easter Sunday was the 7th day since my first treatment and I was fine to go to my parents for Easter dinner, eat, and enjoy the kids getting spoiled by their grandparents. It was the kick-off to a good week.

The past couple of days I feel very normal, other than getting tired a little easier than I normally would. I went into work yesterday for the majority of the day. I came home and was tired, but not exhausted. It was a good productive day.

I think the biggest change for me is veering from my normal eating habits. I have to eat small, frequent meals and avoid acidic or citric foods. I like to eat flavorful and even spicy stuff, so this is odd for me. Also, carbonated beverages are not preferred right now. I usually drink a couple of sparking waters a day, but that is just not appealing right now.

What I wasn’t expecting as the days go on is I can adjust. I had adapted to my new normal of fearing nausea and eating only certain things I knew would agree with me, but now that we’re two weeks in, I can mix it up a little. Also, my energy has returned more. I definitely don’t want to go for a run, but doing errands and basic chores are not a problem. I’ve been working at home and gone in the office a couple of times, and it’s all working out.

I’m doing okay. It’s okay. Another day might be a bad day, but there’s a day after that. There’s a clearing, and it feels good to know I can still enjoy myself during this very different season of my life.

Stifle Me Not