Category Archives: Healing

Ready or Not, It’s Here

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Healing

Last Monday was my D-Day, or should I say C-Day, since it was my first Chemo Day. It went unexpectedly well. I was bracing for the worst, and it was the most efficient day. I reported for lab work at 7:45 AM, saw my oncologist right after, and headed into the infusion center by 9 AM. After a 40-minute cocktail of pre-drugs, including steroids, anti-nausea, and Benadryl, I started getting the cancer healing drugs over the next 1.5 hrs. I sat in a comfy heated recliner with my blanket and pillow, and I literally ate snacks the majority of the time.

My dad anxiously stared at me from a nearby chair, trying to read my face and stay as calm as a father in his position could possibly be. We were out the door by 12:30 PM. It was quite amazing. I slept well on night one. My sister stayed the night with me just in case, but all was fine. And then I went on Day 2 for a white blood count injection. I drove to the hospital and back for that, with my nervous sister riding shotgun. We got back home to my mom stopping by. She chattered for 4 hours while I made chicken and asparagus. I slept well on night 2.

I woke up okay on day 3, but by Noon I took a seat in the bathroom and stayed there for awhile. It was gut-wrenching to say the least, and Imodium and Gatorade saved the rest of the day.

Day 4 was full of aches and tiredness. Day 5 and 6 was more of the same. My mouth feels like its coated in muck, my feet and hands occasionally tingle, I get weird twinges here and there, and laying down is preferred most of the time. Nothing really tastes right except for sweet things. All I seem to want is wheat-based and milk-based foods. Vegetables and citric acidy type foods sound like the devil. Even though everything tastes “off”, I have an overwhelming sense of smell. It’s a little too good. I bought new soap, which I usually love, but it’s too strong smelling to use right now. And I can’t wear any perfume or body mist – it suddenly makes me gag.

I’m also having some temperature regulation issues. I’m usually always cold, but after 3 days of steroids, I get so hot, but then after those wore off a few days later, cold cold cold. It’s crazy.

I was doing so well all week without any nausea or vomiting, and then mid-day Saturday after lunch, I was in so much belly pain. Only to see lunch again. That took me about 3 hours to recover with Body Armor and some Zofran.

Day 7 was Easter Sunday, and lucky for me I was able to eat pretty well that day. I was tired all day, but the achiness has subsided. I’m so happy I was able to be with my kids and family for Easter. I appreciated every last drop of that day.

Today it has been officially one week since treatment began. I guess now I have an idea of what to expect the next time. My next treatment is scheduled in two weeks. I’m curious how much I’m going to perk up in between these treatments. Today I successfully took my daughter to a doctor’s appointment and went into work for about 2 hours, but I couldn’t eat anything except a protein shake at the start of the day. I’ve also been working on my laptop from the couch. I’m so thankful that I can work when I can. I’m so grateful that my employer is so understanding.

I’m glad the first round is done, and I can say I’m 25% way through. I’m keeping my eye on the prize – to be done and feel healthy again.

I’ve been playing with my hair, knowing full well it won’t be there for much longer. Trying to take it day by day instead of getting to wrapped up in the anxiety of future happenings.

Stifle Me Not

Preparing for the Next Journey

Breast Cancer, Change, Hair, Healing, Overthinking

I’ve come a long way, mentally and emotionally, since last Friday. Probably because I started back to work and it’s a nice distraction from sitting around on my couch for too long. Basically, being at work is preventing me from overthinking.

Since Friday morning, when I found out when my first chemo session will be, I’ve been a mix of anxious and relieved. Relieved because I have a better understanding of what to expect, but anxious because I’m not excited about what’s anticipated to come. I just want to get it over with.

On Saturday morning, I went to get a haircut. I originally scheduled the appointment for a hefty trim since I was returning to work. I ended up chopping off 3/4 of my hair in preparation of what’s to come. I wasn’t ready to go directly from long hair to a shaved head, so I made a plan to go with a short cut I’ve had in the past but don’t particularly like. Baby steps. I still have a lot of hair making up this short bob, but I figure this style will drive me crazy and I’ll be ready to shave it off once it’s time. Honestly, is anyone ever really ready to shave their head in a situation like this?

I’m actually more upset about the hair growth I must go through after chemo is all over. It took me 4 years to get my hair to where I liked it! Shaving my head is one thing, growing hair out is another journey altogether. I’m not going to have my hair back (the way I want it) for 1+ to 2 years.

I will survive, I know. That is the whole point of this of course.

Being back at work has been good for me. I’m surrounded by good people here. I’m busy without be stressed. They’re being very understanding and know I’m in for more challenges this year. That makes things so much easier.

So now I have a new countdown, to starting the rest of my life. Nineteen days until my first infusion. Please get me to June quickly.

Stifle Me Not

Week 4 Recovery

Healing, Hope

What a difference a fourth week of recovery makes. I thought I felt good after week 3, but now I’m getting to the end of week 4 and impressed with how much quicker I pop up from my seat, get in / out of the car, and even multi-task around my kitchen. Go me.

I’ve had no appointments to worry about this week. It’s been a nice break from doctors. Doctor visits cause emotions – good or bad. And emotions send my mind racing. It’s been nice to be left alone for a week. It’s just me, healing, listening to my body to move or rest. Just me doing my own thing without needing anyone to watch over me. My parents and siblings check on me regularly, which I fully appreciate. But I’m finally independent to drive my kids to and from school and sports. I even made a trip to the grocery store on Monday morning. It wasn’t the usual hustle & bustle of the grocery store, more of a calm pace of retirees and stock boys, but it was just the trial run I needed being out in public on my own again.

On Monday, Feb 19th, I will kick off the week going to the oncologist. This is my official appointment that sets the stage for the next few months. Chemo or no chemo? That is the question weighing on my mind. It must be fully weighing on me more than I realize because I had an awful dream. In this dream, I was told I needed one more test, and this test would be positive or negative. If it was one result, I’d die in a few days. If it was another result, everything would be fine.

I woke up before the result came back.

All this to say, clearly my next visit to the oncologist, and her interpretation of my recent tests, is getting to me, despite another doctor telling me “good news”. I can’t really rest easy until I hear it from the oncologist’s mouth.

It’s funny because a doctor visit is usually only about 15 to 20 minutes long. I spend all this time fretting about it, or more so trying not to fret about it, and then it’s a quick visit, I’m done, and what’s been said has been said. It’s so odd how everything matters and doesn’t matter.

I know either way I’ll be fine. I know either way I’ll get through whatever needs to be done. But man, this is a mental load. I’m trying to live each day looking forward to the good things of the day. The yummy meal for lunch, the fact that I can now fold laundry, a nice hot shower, and the fact that I don’t need to rely on anyone to pick up my kids from school. Those are now all very wonderful things.

I have two more weeks of medical leave left. I don’t intend on going back to work in the same way that I left. I started to worry about work details for a minute, but I plan to refocus my energy when I return. I need to make a change on my work habits when I return or it will eat me alive. Whether I have chemo or not, I know I’ll have radiation. So when I return, there is more that my body has to go through. And in however many more months, I’ll need another reconstructive surgery. I can’t afford the energy output at work that I used to use. It will be physically impossible.

I’m so blessed I’ve been working at my job for almost 5 years. I’ve built great relationships with everyone and have earned respect of the owners and officers. I won’t be at 100% at work for the next few months, but I think they’ll support me. I hope so.

This is quite the rambling blog post. Not much to share except that I’m grateful for each day and I’m feeling much better. I know a lot lies ahead, but right now the good outweighs the bad and that works for me.

Stifle Me Not

Hope

Breast Cancer, Healing, Hope

I’m grateful for this new week. This new week gave me hope. After not getting my drain removed last week, I was kind of down. It’s the little things that can get you down. Taking a shower with an attachment to your side, having to worry about changing out the gauze around it, and constantly having to track your drain levels is just exhausting. Also sleeping. Sleeping is challenging when you have to make sure you don’t roll over on, or accidentally pull on, your drain. I went through the motions all week, day-by-day doing all the things I could do, not thinking too far ahead just so I could keep going.

On Wednesday afternoon, I had an appointment with my radiation doctor. I put zero thought into this appointment. I had been jotting down questions for all of my other appointments, but I suppose I was just tired of it all. I viewed this visit as a simple consultation of what was to come in a few months. I had no hopes or fears for this visit. I was just showing up.

My stepmom picked me up. I was aggravated about going to another place with the damn drain in. Fast forward and we’re in the exam room waiting on the doctor. To my surprise, a younger female doctor appeared. She initially looked too young to be a doctor, but as discussion unfolded, she proved to clearly know her stuff. In the middle of our discussion, she blurted out that she saw my oncotype score had returned. And she asked if I wanted to know what it is?

What?

I was stunned. I wasn’t expecting to hear about this score until February 19th at my next oncologist visit. It was only February 7th at this point. I wanted to know, but I didn’t want to know…

Before I could say much more, she tells me that it’s 18.

This score can be anywhere between 1 – 100. If it’s over 25, you’re in for chemo. If it’s under 25, it’s a maybe, depending on how close it is to 25. My oncologist said last week, for me, it would need to be below 22. And here I’m learning that my score returned at 18. I almost started crying, except I wasn’t sure if it was real. I wasn’t sure if I should be excited by a different doctor telling me this information since it wasn’t my oncologist telling me it.

The radiation doctor said she’d be very surprised, and would question, if the oncologist did insist on chemo for me. She printed off my score results and explained them to me a little more. I was in shock. Happy shock. That was the most hope I’d had in two months. I loved that this doctor explained everything so well. She continued to talk through the radiation process with me and how to prepare for that. For an appointment that I had no expectations for, she sure turned my dreary outlook around, even with the drain still attached.

The next morning, I had another follow up appointment with the plastic surgeon. I suppressed my hopes for this visit because I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment if they didn’t remove the drain again. But to my happy surprise, they did! I have never felt so free! My stepmom and I went to breakfast afterward. I happily drank coffee and ate French toast. In that moment, life was so good.

Today I woke up with no drain to worry about and hope of possibly not having chemo. What a great way to wake up! I drove my son to school, went to the drug store to pick up a couple things, and came home and made myself an omelet. I then took a very long shower. It was an overdue loooong shower. I’ve been so grateful all day.

I’ve been saying extra prayers the past few months. And many many people have been praying for me. I know on the surface when you hear “I’m praying for you”, it sounds like a nice thoughtful gesture. But I believe everyone’s prayers, including my own, are being heard and answered. I think there’s more than meets the eye going on here. I truly hope and continue pray that on February 19th I’m told chemo is not needed.

Stifle Me Not

Post-Surgery Slow Down

Breast Cancer, Healing

It’s been two weeks since my surgery. I thought I’d be up and on my laptop sooner than this, but honestly, that sucked and my healing timeline is proving to be longer than I thought. The last two weeks have been quite an experience. I came home the same day as my surgery, and it was deceptive coming home so early. The power of a nerve block is that you’re superhuman after surgery, but by Day 2 & 3, you just want to die.

Luckily, pain meds exist for a reason and got me through that first hard week. I thought I’d be bored or agitated. No. Quite the opposite. I was in a daze and unable to do much except listen to my mom nervous talk for 4 days straight and mindlessly scroll through social media. My whole family has been phenomenal with helping me out with my kids, bringing over food, etc. But with every pro there is a con. The pro is I can call a few people for help at any time, the con is I’ve had very little alone time in the past two weeks. This introvert loves her alone time. I can barely take a nap because someone is always checking on me. It’s amazing to be so loved and cared for, but it is also exhausting to not have the freedom I’m used to having. I know, it’s not a bad “con” to have. I’m just whining now. Not ungrateful, just missing my freedom.

The mastectomy itself was successful. My breast surgeon cleared out the cancer, including one compromised lymph node. All of my margins were negative (which is good!). She tested and removed 3 lymph nodes. 1 of the 3 lymph nodes were bad. It sounds like only have one bad lymph node is a good thing, but one is enough as a red flag for my oncologist. So overall, a good outcome from the cancer perspective.

From the vanity perspective, to my disappointment, I woke up from surgery to be informed that they could not do the reconstruction right away and I’m stuck with a plastic expander sewn in my chest for a few months. I wasn’t being vain when I asked the question, it was my quest for efficiency. I just did not want to have another surgery, but that is not the case. It was in my best interest to wait until my skin wasn’t so “stressed” to move forward with a more natural looking reconstruction. Sigh. Okay, fine. I’d been told this may be the better option.

One week after surgery, I had a week of three appointments. First up, my oncologist. She is direct, honest, and offers zero fluff. I appreciate her realism. I loathe her lack of bedside manner, which I didn’t know I appreciated until encountering my other doctors. My other doctors are masters at offering emotional support simply by being more communicative and not solely focusing on percentages of chance of survival. Low and behold, just like last time, I was in tears the evening after my oncologist visit. She keeps saying, if the recurrence rate returns too high, I’m in for 6 months of chemotherapy.

The day after the oncologist visit, I went to my breast surgeon. Right now, she is my favorite. Afterall, she eliminated the cancer cells from my body, and then she had good news about margins, and she helped me understand the need for chemo better, without making me cry. Something about being diagnosed with early (stage 2) breast cancer paired with 6 months of chemo wasn’t sitting right with me – sounds like an oxymoron. Like why do I need such a dosage for something that is “early” and “common” and “survivable”? I keep getting the same roundabout answer – it’s because I’m young. I don’t think of myself of young, but the doctors do. If you’re under 50, you’re “young”.

I guess the more years you have left to live naturally paired with your chance for recurrence, they turn up the dial on the precautions. I’m now waiting for a score, and oncotype score, to decide the fate of my treatment plan. Nothing like waiting on a number to dictate my future.

My third doctor appointment of the week was the plastic surgeon. He is the one I’ll see the most and be monitored by when it comes to the stitches and drain removal. I was so hopeful I’d get my drain removed. Not so. It was too soon. I made my next appointment for early this upcoming week, hopeful again that maybe it can come out. Having a drain attached to you for 2 weeks is exhausting and frustrating.

So my surgery and two weeks has come and gone. I truly thought I’d be doing more by now, at least be driving, but it isn’t so. And it’s okay. For some reason I’m meant to slow down. That thought keeps crossing my mind. There are times when live goes fast, and there are times when life goes slow. I guess I’m meant to go slow right now.

Stifle Me Not

Owning It

Dating, Healing, Learning, Old Patterns, Perspective Shift, Self-Awareness

After publishing my last post, I overanalyzed everything, like I always do. But then I stopped and just took action. If something is bothering me about someone I’m attempting to date, I need to talk to him, not bash them to the Internet in an anonymous blog and expect to see results.

My past experience with my ex-husband was, if I told him something was bothering me, he would turn it around and somehow make it my fault. He would never own that he hurt my feelings, even if it wasn’t the smallest little thing. He was a master manipulator. I didn’t realize that fun fact until it was too late – until I was nearly out of my mind crying everyday and heading down the fast lane to divorce. I had built up tolerance to this kind of manipulation, and learned techniques to avoid it. I developed a strong sense of what would trigger him, and would prepare myself for for his cool, calm, thoughtful response to me being a “crazy” person. Some call this “walking on eggshells”, but I just thought it was normal.

Fast forward to my new dating life. Now, when I need to confront a man about his behavior, I try to think of every angle why I may or may not be right or wrong before I push the issue. The only problem is I don’t know these men like I knew my ex-husband, so it’s harder to prepare for their reaction. If I have to put up a boundary, it doesn’t often end well. They typically get upset, even if they apologize quickly to save face, and the relationship doesn’t usually go much further after that. There’s something about putting up boundaries that pushes people away.

But then I realized, isn’t that the point? I’m always so careful about what I say and how I say it, all so I can continue to hold on to someone or some situation. But why?

This time I figured I’d rather be called crazy and quickly move on from this guy than disrupt the hard-earned peace I’ve been working on for all these years. I’m all about not wasting time, keeping it peaceful, and doing what’s best for me these days. Finally, after all of these years I just don’t give a damn.

So I let 3-Day Date Guy know I was very bothered by the context of his call on Sunday evening. I told him I was trying to dismiss it and make excuses for him, but it kept nagging at me two days later.

I braced for the blame. I was ready to retreat. I prepared for this to be the beginning of the end of yet another post-divorce relationship that barely got off the ground…

…but to my surprise, he didn’t hesitate to apologize, and he owned his actions.

He seemed genuinely sorry about making me uncomfortable, and asked if we could talk more about it that evening. He promptly called me that evening, apologized again, and we talked through it. He didn’t just apologize and move on, he actually dug into it, explained himself a little and owned it. Owned it.

I was pleasantly surprised. And I was relieved. And I was happy to be getting to know someone like him.

And then I was sad. I was sad for myself that I stressed about speaking up in the first place. And sad for my past self that I ever got to a place where I couldn’t be myself.

And then I was proud of myself for doing things differently this time. And finally seeing different results. You attract who you are. And I’m finally attracting a different type of person in my life to allow me to be who I am becoming.

We may become a couple, we may not. That remains to be seen. My goal these days is not to hang on to old ways that didn’t serve me, but to own and follow through with what’s best for me.

Stifle Me Not

Seeing Clearly (Sucks)

Change, Daughter, Healing, Honesty, Hope, Perspective Shift

Yesterday was an interesting day. It was a tiring but very necessary day. It was my daughter’s birthday – that should have been the main event. What I didn’t expect was the ending to the day. My daughter sat on the couch with me that evening and began venting. She does this often, but she’s usually ranting about her friends or teachers or something she wants to buy. But this time, it was about her father.

Let me back up to provide better context. Ever since I found out that my ex-husband was, in fact, a certified covert narcissist and lying manipulative cheater, I have not shared any of the fun facts about the divorce with my children. Anything has been on a need-to-know basis. For many reasons, but mostly because 1) they’re too young and it isn’t appropriate, 2) they still very much needed a father to parent them, and 3) my parents shared entirely too much information during their divorce and it just wasn’t necessary.

I’ve never lied to my kids, but I haven’t given them a bunch of unnecessary details either. They know I’m not a fan of their dad, but I always tell them he loves them and focus on shared parenting as much as possible. As my daughter has gotten older, she regularly asks me “Why did you and daddy really break up?” I tell her she’ll understand by the time she’s in her 30s. I believe she even thought I was at fault for breaking up the family at one point, and she’s challenged me numerous times about being the reason for all of the upheaval in her life.

I guess her dad recently told her his version and actually confessed to being a cheater. I’m not stupid enough to think he truly owned it, I’m sure I was made out to be a villian in some way. Ever since then, she seemed to observe him more closely. One day she told me she knew why we split, but I still kept quiet. No point in rehashing the past or adding fuel to a fire that is already out in my mind. She didn’t seem mad at him, but I’ve noticed that she picks up on many more of his personality traits and habits lately. She is observant anyhow, but this new fact has her very fixated on his behavior lately. It started out with her noticing small things he does or says. Until last night when it all snowballed into one big realization that her dad is not the person she has idealized her whole life.

I didn’t say too much, except to acknowledge that I understood what she was referring to when she described the situation she was frustrated about. She was telling me about how he was responding to (aka manipulating) her opinion about something. As she was talking, it’s like I was forced back through a time warp when I was with him and he had me doubting and questioning my reality over and over and over. It was a personal hell of mine, to have to do that on a daily basis to the point of detaching myself from my own reality just to survive. It is not a place I want to go back to, nor do I want her to live in that world.

My daughter was experiencing the madness of communicating with her narcistic father. I always wondered if it was just me, or if he would end up treating the kids similarly to me. I guess I got my answer. My daughter sees it for what it is right now, because she’s 13. At 13, you see things clearly. It may be confusing but she’s seeing it play out in real time – It’s not too late for her yet. I will calmly support her without aggravating the situation to the best of my ability. The good news is she has already been talking to a counselor regularly, and said she wants to talk to the counselor about her father. I am hopeful that she will not relive the past I went through with her father. I really hope she can have a relationship with him and not be manipulated by him. I don’t know. It worries me, but I’m confident in her.

It really sucks to find out that a parent is not who you thought they were.

After a lot of venting and some tears, my sweet daughter fell asleep on my lap as I pet her hair. She laid there peacefully for about 15 minutes and then hugged me and went to bed. I was so proud of her for owning her feelings, facing her doubts, and being honest about her realization.

And I have never felt so validated in my life. It’s taken almost a decade, and last night was the first time I could breathe in a long time. More challenges always await, but I can see so much clearly now.

Stifle Me Not

Getting Through the Red Flags

Dating, Healing, Honesty, Learning

Earlier today I read the phrase “get through it to get past it”.

What true words.

After my much-needed energy reset, I reactivated my dating app (without high hopes), telling myself I’d keep it active until the subscription ends in a couple weeks.

A couple of guys liked my profile and I didn’t interact. Then one guy liked my profile, and we started texting. It started out promising (as many do) and it took a nosedive into the deep end. This guy was red flag city. I completely knew I wasn’t going to date this guy, let alone ever meet him in person, but I hung in there for a little bit. I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t running for the hills. I felt bad for him a little bit I guess.

My inner me was lecturing me about how I shouldn’t feel bad for people, I need to just focus on myself. This guy asked me early on, if I’m not interested in him, if I would just give him feedback as to why not rather than ghost him. Fair enough. However, that was more than I bargained for because this guy was a giant ball of baggage. He also somewhat reminded me of me x 10 a few years ago – maybe that’s why I hung in there, because I was in his shoes once.

Some of his red flags were:

  • He had an overall negative outlook on life.
  • He called his ex bad names when he referred to her. (I hardly expected to read C U Next Tuesday in one of his texts, but I did, I so did).
  • He didn’t socialize. I asked if he was anti-social or what – he said he didn’t care for people, they exhausted him.
  • He never left his home to shop or go to dinner or anything.
  • He didn’t know how to cook.
  • He didn’t work out.
  • He said he was broke (because of his ex) and that he lived in a cheap apartment with an old car.
  • He has cats (I’m very allergic to cats).

There wasn’t a glimmer of hope with this guy.

Women usually want some form of safety, security, and/or fun. He was none of those things. It’s not like he was just bad for me, I don’t think he’d be good for any healthy woman right now.

I felt like I owed him a constructive response, but man it was tempting to ghost him. It took me awhile to craft something that was direct yet easy to digest. I didn’t want to damage the guy further, but he needed some real honestly or he’d destined to hermit in his cheap apartment for the rest of his angry life.

He thanked me for the honest response and offered to stay in touch as friends. I said sure. He said he’d been single for 5 years and he thought that would be enough time for him to heal. I had the phrase in mind that I saw earlier, “get through it to get past it”, as I gave him the feedback. I didn’t use those exact words, but was hoping he understood he was trying to skip the “getting through it” part. He was hiding instead. If I hear from him down the road, I hope he finds a little self love. Maybe at least learns how to cook something.

I deactivated my dating app again – I can’t seem to make it to the end of this subscription. I’m glad I made a new texting friend, but the holidays are coming. Holidays and dating sound like a brutal combination. I think I will make it just fine, it’s the guys that come through that I’m worried about. I’m still “getting through it” myself some days, but things get clearer everyday and I feel more past my old crap than I ever have. I think I’ll finish out this year enjoying each day as it comes. I have some Christmas cheer to spread damnit.

Stifle Me Not

Let the Dating Chapter Begin…

Change, Dating, Healing

The dating chapter has begun.

In mid-April, I flipped the switch on a dating app and by the next weekend I was out on a first date. To my surprise, that first date has led to many other dates with the same guy. I already deleted the dating app, and so has he. And this is all so very eerily… comfortable? I thought I’d either end up on a dating spree, or I’d have one or two bad dates, get discouraged, and take a break from the app immediately. I did take a break from the app, but not for the reasons I thought I would.

This guy is very normal, and kind, and attractive, and hard-working. He is ALL the things I’d list out if I had to. I actually really like him. And he likes me. And it all seems so…dare I say, easy? My mind has been in overdrive “what’s-the-catch” mode for weeks now. I’m beginning to realize that maybe there is no catch. I’ve put in the self-work and so has he. We’ve both had our ups and downs (and down downs), and we’ve learned and grown. Now we’re getting to know each other. And it’s refreshingly nice to just get to know someone and not be afraid of their expectations of me.

I tip-toed on eggshells for so long with my ex, that being around a nice man (who isn’t intent on manipulating me) is a strange (but good) place for me to be in.

I didn’t realize what a dark place I was in until I arrived to this lighter place in my life. I didn’t fathom someone would like me just for me and not just for what I could do for them. It’s all so sad really. I’ve left the dark place, but it still haunts me. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to be anxious about it. I’m trying to just enjoy the here and now.

There’s no guarantees with how this new relationship will turn out, but for it now it feels like a nice change from the last three and a half years. I’m curious about the journey, and look forward to it.

Stifle Me Not

Forever Thankful

Healing, Honesty, Positive Attitude, Self-Awareness

Today was a typical Thanksgiving in my family. My stepmom and my dad buy all the food, do all the meal prep, and cook everything. I stay on stand-by to help where I can, chopping up vegetables for the veggie tray, setting the table, and getting last minute things done before visitors arrive. In between, I try to distract my 4 year old with toys and cartoons and fend off the attitude of the 10 year old.

The parents like to do the cooking, and so they do. I could do it. I have done it in the past. But for now, I will just relish the fact that they are here and healthy and doing what they love to do, even if it wears them out. This is how they show their love. I just clean as many dishes as I can at the end of the day.

Last weekend, a close family friend passed away. She was in her mid-50s, had cancer, and is one of the most memorable people I’ve encountered in my life. She was very real, and very giving. I know my parents are hurting. She is the 4th person close to this family to have passed away in the past year since I’ve been living here. I feel like it’s been an ongoing grief train around here. It’s all so sad, yet it makes you stop and think, and appreciate life much more. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

And with that, I look at my life and I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’m proud that I’ve advanced my career so much this year, and I’m doing well with raising my kids, and I’m healthy. Tonight, I was looking at some past photos I had posted online from about 6 years ago. Originally, I just wanted to see how much my little girl has grown and wanted to soak in the memories of when she was little, but a flood of anxiety washed over me with each photo I encountered with my ex-husband in them. We “looked” so happy, and he “looked” sincere, and I was there and feel like it was an out of body experience that I was ever in that space at that time trusting that man. Knowing what I know now and the timeline of his infidelity, I became disgusted by each smiling photo of us. Of course I didn’t know then. But I did. Deep down I knew something wasn’t right, and even when I spoke up, I backed down in doubt of myself if the conflict I faced from him was too great. He didn’t beat me, he didn’t even directly verbally abuse me, he just manipulated each opportunity he had to ensure I doubted myself in his favor. And it worked.

I am thankful today that I have faced my self-doubt and anxiety over the years, and I’ve stopped giving my power away. With all the death that has happened this year, the best death of all was that of my self-doubt. Death makes you appreciate life; however, in life many fear death. I am forever thankful for this life and intend to live it using the gifts and talents that I know I have. The woman that passed away last week, she used to enter a room like a bright ray of sunshine. She owned who she was and she positively influenced others around her. I can still feel her energy and hear her voice – she was so sincere.

I want to raise my kids to know this lesson I’ve learned as a basic life truth. Self-doubt is destructive to the life we want. It is a silent killer of the sweetness of life.

I’ve slowly become my own ray of sunshine. It has taken weeks, months, years, but I’m living in my own best interest these days and it feels good. I’m forever thankful that I’m in a better place this November than last year. I can’t wait to see what next year brings.

Stifle Me Not