Getting Back to “Normal”

Change, Healing, Motivation

It’s weird how, when life throws curve balls, your new normal becomes your everyday normal, and getting back to actual normal feels so abnormal.

I’ve become used to going in for treatments every 3 weeks. For 1.5 weeks after a treatment, I’m somewhat worthless when it comes to work, among other things. Then, by the third week I’m used to getting my energy back and feeling “normal”, but with the nagging awareness that it won’t last long because another treatment is looming.

I don’t have another treatment looming. And it feels weird. Very weird. I’m happy about it, but it’s like I’m having… adjustment issues, for lack of better words to use. It’s like I don’t know how to plan ahead like “normal”.

Up next is radiation. I went for my setup scan. They lined me up and tattooed me with three little dots. My first tattoos. They said they’ll call me in two weeks to schedule out the 28 scans that lie ahead. I don’t have a chemo treatment looming, but I do have a month of radiation awaiting me. They assured me I could live fairly “normally” during this phase.

I have a little break from it all for two weeks, and then I have something to add to my schedule for a month. That’s how I’m trying to look at it anyway. A temporary addition to my schedule, and then I’m free again… for a little while.

This year is just a series of medical obligations. One right after another. I look forward to knocking these all out.

Stifle Me Not

Milestones

Change, Healing

Ringing the bell was surreal. You think the day will never come, then it comes and goes in an instant. It’s been a full week since I completed my last round, and I’m only now starting to have thoughts of relief. It’s been a long hard week since last week because, well, regular life kept going with kids and work, and I still had to process the last round chemo medication out of my system. I got to ring a bell, but then had to keep going anyway. It’s a milestone, but not the finish line.

Even though I’m “done” with that phase, my mind can’t wrap itself around that fact. I was tidying up a few things, putting away some anti-nausea pills, and I had a thought about when I need to refill them. Then a wave of relief washed over me “I don’t have to refill them!” It’s only going to get better from here.

I woke up today and did things a little differently. I stretched. I went outside, walked in the dewy grass, sat in the morning sunlight for a little bit. I didn’t immediately go to my spot on the couch with coffee. I soaked in being alive for a little bit before I opened my laptop.

Then I realized that today is my 5-day divorce anniversary. It’s officially been 5 full years since I signed that paperwork to legally split me from my ex. Historically, this day brings bad feelings of regret about the past. It makes me think of the good and bad memories and what I could’ve done more of to save my unsavable marriage. It certainly doesn’t make me happy, I’m not celebrating that I’ve been divorced for 5 years. But I’m not sad about it either. I do think it was necessary. It was toxic and unhealthy.

Signing the divorce papers was a milestone for me saying enough is enough, but it wasn’t the finish line in the relationship with my ex. I still have to interact with him, co-parent with him, and continue to breathe even after he’s spewed a bunch of nonsense I don’t agree with. There was no finish line. Just a milestone.

I feel like we all run this race in life toward finishing things. But really, life is just a series of milestones, big or small or something in between. Nothing is ever really finished if you’re still alive.

So today, instead of ruminating in the past about the milestone of my unsavable marriage, I’d rather celebrate that I’m a week out from ringing the bell and looking forward to achieving many more future milestones. Some are clear and some are yet to be determined.

I have some obvious ones, like going through radiation and reconstruction, but I’m setting some of my own goals to accomplish moving forward too. When it comes to breast cancer, I know stress was a big factor. But I also know environmental and nutrition habits were obvious contributors as well. And although all of my genetic testing came back negative, I think my genes play a part in this as well. I can’t control that part, but I can control my choices related to the other variables.

I’m reviewing and resetting on this day, and in the months and years ahead. I have to pay attention to my stress, nutrition, and environment … and evaluate how I’m being impacted regularly. I can’t go back to the rat race. Even when I rejoin the rat race, I’m not racing, I’m walking.

I’m so good at handling stress. Almost too good. I’m good to the point of denial, and then it eats me alive. And when I’m stressed, I rush. When I rush, I don’t think about the quality of my nutrition or environment. I just do things to get them done, to finish, and I don’t keep my own wellbeing in mind.

If being diagnosed with breast cancer and going through chemo has done anything, it has shed light on my mortality. If I’m not here, I’m not here for my kids or family. I matter. I’ve been going through life to quickly and blindly to appreciate why I even matter.

I’ve reached a milestone where I can’t go backward now. Only forward.

Stifle Me Not

I Did It!

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Change, Healing, Hope, Motivation, Positive Attitude

Yesterday I completed my last round of chemotherapy. And today I got my last shot to increase my white blood count, which always follows the day after a chemo treatment. I was dreading this last treatment. And rightly so, I didn’t have a port, so my veins in my one arm are getting abused. Third poke was the charm, with the help of an ultrasound machine to locate a good vein. My doctor appointment went well after that, but then it took a couple of hours to be cleared from my bloodwork to start the infusion process — because my results were sent to the wrong department. My infusion lasted from Noon to 3 PM. And I finally got to ring the bell!

For as much dread as I’d had the last week leading up to this appointment, I was so excited to ring the bell! I was all smiles as so many nurses gathered around to clap for me and hug me and take pictures. As I walked out the exit, people in the waiting room were clapping for me. It felt great to get through this milestone!! I don’t ever want to do that again!!

Next week is my setup scan for the next milestone – Radiation. From what I hear, it’s way better than the chemo. And I get to start growing my hair back out!

I’m so proud of myself. I almost bypassed chemo altogether for fear of the side effects, but I think this was a good thing. It was doable. Hard, but doable.

Time to move into the next season. More goals ahead.

Stifle Me Not

Getting Through #3

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Healing, Honesty, Motherhood, Positive Attitude

Treatment #3 was a success. It was delayed, but it happened. I now see why chemo ports are a thing. Since my treatment plan is 4 treatments, I wasn’t ordered to have a port put in. Little did I know how destructive one chemo treatment can be to one vein, and nearby veins. Treatment #1 was easy since I was undamaged. Treatment #2 was easy at first, but I needed a new IV in a new vein by the last medication. By this week, Treatment #3, the nurses were struggling to find a sturdy entranceway.

Everything was delayed by about an hour on Monday because I they had to redraw blood and poke me about 4 different times. God bless the very experienced nurse that was finally able to deal with my veins.

And God Bless my dad for impatiently waiting through it all, and continuing to wait with me for the next 4 hours. My mom helped me out when I had my mastectomy in January. And my dad has been taking me to all of the chemo treatments. I don’t wish this on any parent, no matter how old their child is. I’m so thankful for both of them being here for me, and helping me out with my kids. In the first few days after treatment, I’m useless. My dad has been picking up my son and taking him to and from school when I can’t. My mom checks on me religiously, as does my sister and some of my close friends.

No matter how much this sucks, this experience is making me so grateful for everyone in my life.

Today is a struggle. Somehow, I managed to get out of bed to say goodbye to my daughter before she caught the bus. Somehow, I managed to make my son a bagel, pack his lunch, and send him off with grandpa to school. Somehow, I managed to get on my work laptop to answer a few emails. And, somehow, I was even able to make myself an omelet.

I’m doing it. I’m getting through round #3.

Stifle Me Not

Here We Go Again

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks

I’ve had a full week of being semi-normal. I went into work every day. I didn’t work a complete full day every day, but at least 6 hours each day. And I took care of my kids and home, and I had some decent energy. I even did a Pilates workout and plucked a new eyebrow hair. Didn’t see that coming!

But yesterday I filled two prescriptions, one a steroid and one an anti-nausea medication, to prep for my next treatment on Monday. Ugh. It’s crazy how I get through 3 weeks and feel almost great, only to do it all over again. And I’m not even having that many rounds! I will forever feel for anyone who has been in these shoes.

I am now technically halfway done. I’ve been through 2 (of 4) treatments as well as the 3 healing weeks that follow, so 6 out of 12 weeks are complete. Even though I will be so happy and want to celebrate my last treatment, it won’t truly be complete until a few weeks later. The treatments are but a few hours, but the actual healing comes in the weeks that follow.

Tomorrow is the last day I’ll feel “normal” for about two weeks. On Sunday I start steroids again, which cause me to be all over the place. I get a lot accomplished, but it messes with me. Monday is the treatment. Tuesday is a white blood cell injection. Wednesday I go off steroids and begin to not feel well, which lasts into the weekend. By Sunday I can drive again. The next week is somewhat of a wildcard, at least at the start of the week. I have to watch what I eat and how much I do. By the end of the week I’m usually rounding the bend into somewhat normal, but tired, mode again. And then I get a week of regular normal. Until the next treatment.

This is hard. I can do it, but that doesn’t make is less hard.

Stifle Me Not

Back to Basics

Breast Cancer, Change, Perspective Shift

Life can be hard enough when you have normal health. But when you add medical treatments in the mix, daily life becomes very deliberate and basic. I look back at what I used to do and wonder how I accomplished so much in 24 hrs.

My mornings used to involve my alarm going off at 5:30 AM with me thinking “I wanna sleep in”, as I shuffled my sleepy self to the shower. I’d rush through the entire morning – getting ready, packing lunches, nagging kids, etc. I’d fly out of the driveway with my son, drop him off at before-school care, and rush through traffic to get to work by 8 AM. I was almost always 5 minutes late. I’d work through a morning of phone calls, emails and people stopping by my office.

Lunch was my break, but not physically. I’d eat and typically go for a mile walk in the park.

Then I’d power through an afternoon of calls, emails, and people interaction to 5 PM. From there I’d race through traffic to get my son from after-care, get home and start dinner. Dinner, clean-up, and parenting all mingled in there. Sometimes I’d fall asleep on the couch by 9 PM (no wonder), and sometimes I’d indulge in wine and snacks and maybe a phone call with a friend or watching a show.

Wow. How impressive I was. For the past 20+ years I’ve been quite literally running my ass off.

Since January, when I had surgery, life has slowed down. When I returned to work from medical leave, it temporarily sped back up. That gave me a sense of normalcy for about 3 weeks and then I started chemo treatments. Life is now very deliberate and slow. I cannot pop out of bed, shower, and immediately caffeinate. My new ritual to pray, hydrate, focus, and determine how much I can handle in a day. That is followed by coffee, but my day is no longer fueled by coffee and chaos. I’m way more intentional about what I choose to do in a day.

Today was one of those days. Yesterday, I went into the office to work for a few hours, and I could feel myself overdoing it. I finally threw in the towel and told my boss I had to leave. I needed a mango smoothie, rotisserie chicken, and a nap. He’s been an absolute angel, allowing me to work both remote and in the office when I’m up to it. I decided that today I did not want to feel overdone. Today I could only handle the basics.

I didn’t sleep well last night and woke up with a terrible headache. My first priority was getting rid of the headache. Going into the office was not going to help that. I hydrated with some organic coconut water and laid under blankies on my couch. When the headache subsided, I made some coffee and toast. My next priority was getting the kids off to school. Next, I texted my lawn guy to see why on earth my yard was still not mowed after more than a week since the last service. It’s been bugging me all week, and I wasn’t about to go all summer having to nag the lawn company – I was ready to switch companies if this is the norm. I usually do all of my own yard work, but chemo has me doing less these days and I’m supposed to stay out of the sun.

Before 9 am, I accomplished getting rid of my headache, getting the kids off to school, and the lawn company magically appeared to mow the lawn. I then started working. My world did not magically combust because I didn’t focus on work first. It got better.

When you get diagnosed with cancer, or anything for that matter, or if something otherwise terrible happens, the first question often seems to be “why?” Why is this happening to me? There may never be a clear answer, but from here it looks like maybe I’m supposed to be paying attention to some very basic things and not let myself be swallowed up for the sake of doing everything I can to burn the candle at both ends.

I think for the past 20 years I’ve been trying to do my best at anything and everything. Now it’s time for me to do my best as some very basic and meaningful things.

Stifle Me Not

In the Thick of It

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Hope, Learning

I’m doing it. I’m halfway through my chemo treatments. Monday was round 2 of 4. Yes, two down, two to go. The actual day of chemo is not hard. And neither is the day after. I’ve been keeping a little notebook of how my days are going and it seems to be that days 3 – 6 are the roughest so far. Yesterday was day 5, and I cried. I looked back in my notebook at what I wrote on day 5 after the first treatment. Yep, I cried. I have two more treatments where I have to be prepared for the emotional dip on day 5.

What a rollercoaster ride this is. Everyone demonizes chemotherapy, but I think all of the other drugs are a big culprit in the process. I think going on and off steroids each treatment messes with me more than the actual chemo. The day before a treatment, you load up on steroids. You continue that the day of, and after, treatment. Also, during treatment, they give you an additional dose through your IV. I’m all hopped up on roids the first 3 days! Then, once I miss the first does of steroids on day 3, I start to go downhill feel like complete crap. The sweating is endless, I feel like a little drunk stumbling around my house, and eating becomes a game.

I’m noticing a pattern. It’s known that you get nauseous or sick during chemo, but I guess no one really steps you through WHY this happens and how you can get through it easier. You get nauseous because eventually your body wants to eliminate all of this hard stuff out of your body. What you do or eat leading up to that first “elimination” is pretty key to how the experience goes. No matter what, your body is going to force out stuff, and you just have to help it along the best you can. I was way more conscious of my food and hydration choices this round, and I really think that helped me. I’m also trying to move around more. Too much sitting is not good. Rest is good, but no movement throughout the day is not good.

Today is a better day than the last week, but today is a tricky day. It’s a day where I feel mentally better, but physically I’m not ready yet. I’m happy to know there was a clearing last time and I can feel the clearing coming this time. My patience has never been so tested in all my life. I’ve never wanted to fast forward through something so bad in all my life. But here I am, in the thick of it.

Although this is hard, I think I’m going to be happy I did this later on. A couple of days ago I woke up and my hair, on my already shaved head, was falling out even more. I needed my 15-year-old daughter’s help with shaving it down more. She didn’t hesitate to help me and patiently helped me shave it down to a zero. I told her how much I appreciated her help and how much I love her. And I told her I’ll be there for her in the middle of the night when she has babies later on and needs help with them. She just said “you better”. And we laughed.

I realized I’m going through this hard time not just to live for me and my kids now, but to also be there for my kids when their days get tougher as adults. I’ve needed my parents more now in my 40s than I did in my teens or 20s. I want that for my kids too.

Stifle Me Not

There’s a Clearing

Breast Cancer, Change, Healing, Learning

As much as I don’t love being a person on chemo treatment, not all of the days are bad. Maybe it started out that way, but there’s a clearing. There’s light. It’s not all doom and gloom.

My first week was rough, but the second week was way better. Easter Sunday was the 7th day since my first treatment and I was fine to go to my parents for Easter dinner, eat, and enjoy the kids getting spoiled by their grandparents. It was the kick-off to a good week.

The past couple of days I feel very normal, other than getting tired a little easier than I normally would. I went into work yesterday for the majority of the day. I came home and was tired, but not exhausted. It was a good productive day.

I think the biggest change for me is veering from my normal eating habits. I have to eat small, frequent meals and avoid acidic or citric foods. I like to eat flavorful and even spicy stuff, so this is odd for me. Also, carbonated beverages are not preferred right now. I usually drink a couple of sparking waters a day, but that is just not appealing right now.

What I wasn’t expecting as the days go on is I can adjust. I had adapted to my new normal of fearing nausea and eating only certain things I knew would agree with me, but now that we’re two weeks in, I can mix it up a little. Also, my energy has returned more. I definitely don’t want to go for a run, but doing errands and basic chores are not a problem. I’ve been working at home and gone in the office a couple of times, and it’s all working out.

I’m doing okay. It’s okay. Another day might be a bad day, but there’s a day after that. There’s a clearing, and it feels good to know I can still enjoy myself during this very different season of my life.

Stifle Me Not

Ready or Not, It’s Here

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Healing

Last Monday was my D-Day, or should I say C-Day, since it was my first Chemo Day. It went unexpectedly well. I was bracing for the worst, and it was the most efficient day. I reported for lab work at 7:45 AM, saw my oncologist right after, and headed into the infusion center by 9 AM. After a 40-minute cocktail of pre-drugs, including steroids, anti-nausea, and Benadryl, I started getting the cancer healing drugs over the next 1.5 hrs. I sat in a comfy heated recliner with my blanket and pillow, and I literally ate snacks the majority of the time.

My dad anxiously stared at me from a nearby chair, trying to read my face and stay as calm as a father in his position could possibly be. We were out the door by 12:30 PM. It was quite amazing. I slept well on night one. My sister stayed the night with me just in case, but all was fine. And then I went on Day 2 for a white blood count injection. I drove to the hospital and back for that, with my nervous sister riding shotgun. We got back home to my mom stopping by. She chattered for 4 hours while I made chicken and asparagus. I slept well on night 2.

I woke up okay on day 3, but by Noon I took a seat in the bathroom and stayed there for awhile. It was gut-wrenching to say the least, and Imodium and Gatorade saved the rest of the day.

Day 4 was full of aches and tiredness. Day 5 and 6 was more of the same. My mouth feels like its coated in muck, my feet and hands occasionally tingle, I get weird twinges here and there, and laying down is preferred most of the time. Nothing really tastes right except for sweet things. All I seem to want is wheat-based and milk-based foods. Vegetables and citric acidy type foods sound like the devil. Even though everything tastes “off”, I have an overwhelming sense of smell. It’s a little too good. I bought new soap, which I usually love, but it’s too strong smelling to use right now. And I can’t wear any perfume or body mist – it suddenly makes me gag.

I’m also having some temperature regulation issues. I’m usually always cold, but after 3 days of steroids, I get so hot, but then after those wore off a few days later, cold cold cold. It’s crazy.

I was doing so well all week without any nausea or vomiting, and then mid-day Saturday after lunch, I was in so much belly pain. Only to see lunch again. That took me about 3 hours to recover with Body Armor and some Zofran.

Day 7 was Easter Sunday, and lucky for me I was able to eat pretty well that day. I was tired all day, but the achiness has subsided. I’m so happy I was able to be with my kids and family for Easter. I appreciated every last drop of that day.

Today it has been officially one week since treatment began. I guess now I have an idea of what to expect the next time. My next treatment is scheduled in two weeks. I’m curious how much I’m going to perk up in between these treatments. Today I successfully took my daughter to a doctor’s appointment and went into work for about 2 hours, but I couldn’t eat anything except a protein shake at the start of the day. I’ve also been working on my laptop from the couch. I’m so thankful that I can work when I can. I’m so grateful that my employer is so understanding.

I’m glad the first round is done, and I can say I’m 25% way through. I’m keeping my eye on the prize – to be done and feel healthy again.

I’ve been playing with my hair, knowing full well it won’t be there for much longer. Trying to take it day by day instead of getting to wrapped up in the anxiety of future happenings.

Stifle Me Not

Fighting the Good Fight Against Myself

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Change, God, Hope, Overthinking, Positive Attitude

It’s one week until I start chemo. I am, quite frankly, terrified.

I know this a last week of normal-as-I-know-it. I thought being diagnosed and having a mastectomy messed with my normal, but I returned to normalish pretty quickly after getting back to work. Returning to work helped me get back into a familiar routine. The worst of it is trying to quiet my mind about what’s next.

I’ve been trying hard not to try too hard. I’m trying to enjoy day as much as possible, but knowing chemo is right around the corner is really messing with me. I feel like I just got my life back from healing from surgery, and I appreciate each good morning. I wake up every morning and feel pretty good, think of what day it is, and immediately think of how many more days I have until I have strong drugs infused into my body. I woke up crying two days in a row, just because I was overwhelmed within my first few thoughts of the day.

Three weeks ago, I started on two drugs: an injection that’s supposed to suppress my ovary function and a daily aromatase inhibitor pill. The pill lowers estrogen levels, which helps to decrease growth of any breast cancer cells. Since getting the injection and being on the pills, I feel an overall difference in my body, energy, joints, etc. The first week was full of head and body aches. It improved by week 2. It’s not the worst, but it’s not a carefree-breezy-feeling-body anymore.

Last week, my doctor told me to stop the pill while I go through chemo and radiation. I’ve felt great since being off the pill for a week. I think my fear is valid. Not only are chemo and radiation going to have their own set of side effects, but there’s no returning to my current “normal”. After the major treatments are over, I’ll be on pills for a good part of the next decade.

The diagnosis I received in November is supposedly the “good kind” that is highly treatable. After learning of my diagnosis, it was immediately followed up with, “but it’s non-aggressive and treatable”. That made me feel better for a little while, until I experienced how the treatment makes me feel. What they don’t tell you is the drugs alter your everything. Your life flips upside down just as much as someone else’s life. In my case, instead of gradually entering into older age, I’m being forced into menopause (and more) all within a few months. This sounds so much simpler than it actually is.

Sounds. So. Simple.

People often refer to cancer patients as “fighters”. The definition of a fighter is someone who doesn’t easily admit defeat in spite of difficulties or opposition. The truth is, yes, you’re fighting, but you’re not fighting anything or anyone but yourself. You’re relinquishing complete control, and that’s the hardest part of the fight. I’m not in control of any of this. Yes, I’m questioning my treatment options along the way and making a few key decisions. But whichever path I take, I’m releasing control and having to trust outside of my own actions.

If you refuse treatment, you give up control of knowing what’s going on in your body. If you agree to treatment, you’re handing control over to doctors and nurses. Even if you’re somewhere in the middle, in which you agree to some treatment and not others, you’re still left with not really controlling a damn thing. Something could get away from you, or someone could screw up something. You’re constantly fighting you own doubts, worries, fears, etc.

So when you hear someone say, “he or she is a fighter”, it’s not untrue. They’ve become masters at fighting their constant thoughts and emotions. This is where mind over matter comes in. I’ve heard about this, but I see it now. I see how you have to keep your attitude going in a more positive direction to influence your physical well-being.

A mental battle I keep encountering is handling other people’s thoughts and emotions too. Not everyone operates the way I do, and that can frustrate me. I’ve already overanalyzed every possible thing about my treatment, so when someone else does it in front of me, I’m already over it. I don’t want to discount their valid feelings, but I also don’t want to spend more time on something I’ve already conquered in my own mind. I don’t want to be set back.

Something that does keep setting me back emotionally, which I really hate, is that I’m upset that my family is helping me out. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and that they’re there for me. I’m so happy and blessed to have them. But I had a husband once upon a time, and he decided to cheat on me because he’s a selfish narcissist. Now he’s off having fun with his girlfriend, while avoiding serving an important caretaker role in my life. Now, 6 years later, of course I don’t want him to take care of me, but I can’t help but feel like I should be his mess. He should be the one taking me to appointments and worrying about me, but I know if he was here he’d blow the fight right out of me.

So I can’t help but wonder if all of this will have some weird twisty ending in which it was supposed to happen this way. And I continuously go back to God must be mysteriously up to something. I don’t know what it is, and I won’t know what it is for a while. But it’s all for something, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

Stifle Me Not