When I was 24, my boyfriend broke up with me. We had been dating since we were 21. We were always together, never really fought, and had a lot of fun. One week I noticed he was being more quiet then normal, and before I knew it he was breaking up with me on my front porch. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do with myself. He was my world. I started to go running around the neighborhood whenever I could. Running  helped me blow off frustration. After about 4 months, we got back together. That boyfriend eventually became my husband.

When I was 32, my husband and I were on the rocks. We had been married about 4 years. We were fighting a lot. One evening we had a bigger fight than usual. The next day I come home to find some of his things gone. He left our house and moved in with a friend. He left me and my 3 year old daughter. My world was crushed. He was gone for almost 2 months. I was close to getting a lawyer and calling it quits. I made one last attempt and we agreed to work things out. It was a long haul. That spring I started to run and committed to doing a 10k race. I did it. I felt great. Running helped me to stay on track, and we worked on repairing our relationship. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to this year, one of the biggest transition years of my life. Since October 2017, I’ve been living in my house with my two kids. Their father comes and goes. He never stays very long. Today he was playing with the kids outside and I desperately needed to get away and blow off steam. I was so angry with him, but I wasn’t going to blow up at him in front of our kids. The didn’t deserve that. So I ran. I’m not currently fit enough to run nonstop, but I ran straight for a mile and a half and then I jogged and walked another mile and a half. By the time I got home, my legs were jelly and I no longer wanted to blow up at anyone.

I’m noticing my own trend here with this person in my life. He fails me (or rather I fail myself for keeping him around after all of the obvious clues) and then I get so frustrated that I run off my anger. When will I run and learn?

Today I ran and I learned. I ran and cried and walked and sighed and decided that this time things have to change. If they don’t change, I will just keep running to nowhere. If you don’t make a change, the same dilemma will return time and time again.

Stifle Me Not