Today it has been seven months since I told my husband to leave our home. And he left without a fight. Just like that the house was eerily quiet and I was alone with my sleeping children in their beds. I made my decision.

I didn’t do it on a whim. I found him asleep on his recliner. His phone was laying there on his chest. I picked it up to charge it for him (no really, I did just want to charge it), and I see a text message from a recipient I did not recognize. I know the code to his phone, so I check out what this text message was about. It was enough evidence to change our lives forever.

I took an entire 24 hours to reflect on the past 10 years, I asked him one last question, and then I made the choice.

I don’t make important choices quickly.

It then took me a full week of wanting to throw up daily to make an appointment to see a lawyer. I’m a thinker. I must be sure that I’m making the best choice for me.

The biggest factor that helped me make my decision was this: What advice would I give my daughter or son years from now if they were in my same position?

I love my kids more than I love myself. I knew if I really considered what advice I would give to my kids, then that would be best for my own well-being. I struggle with making the best decisions for myself because I easily doubt my gut feeling and talk myself into a different direction that I think “should” be the right decision.

Several times in the past seven months, I’ve wanted to turn to my not-yet-ex-husband when he was around and throw in the towel and give him a hug and tell him to move back and let’s just be good parents and do the best we can.

Do you know where that would leave me as an individual human?

A big pile of comfortable nothing. I would be back at doing the best I can in life for someone that I don’t trust (other than with our kids).

The definition of trust: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

If I can’t trust in my husband, how can I continue to choose to love him? Love is a choice. I’m not sure I can make that choice if my own state of being will be a big pile of nothing.

That doesn’t seem like something I would advise my kids to do.

This man hasn’t shown one ounce of an attempt to gain my trust back. My main observation is that he doesn’t want to. Or maybe he doesn’t know how? (and see, this is how I got myself in this mess – by coming up with well-fitting reasons that justify his behavior). But I’m done with making excuses for his actions. His actions.

He has gone to seek help for himself. He continues to be a caring father. He has been nice and cordial to me. He has helped me with some things with the yard and the house. When I became unemployed, he kept me on his benefits so I wouldn’t be without health insurance. He has worked overtime and has continued to let me take as much money as I need to get by without my paycheck.

He is still caring for his family. But the trust is gone.

And he still blames me for his actions. His actions.

Today I’m learning that the real acceptance is setting in. Sometimes it takes me seven months or so to figure it out. Without trust, love is lost for me.

Stifle Me Not