Monthly Archives: May 2018

May 21st Lesson: Cleaning the Mess for Myself

Cleaning, Learning, Positive Attitude, Separation, Taking Charge

I’ve been letting someone else (not) lead my life for entirely too long. If I don’t do it, who in the hell is going to do it?

Yep. It has become more an more apparent that I thought my not-yet-ex-husband was supposed to do this, that, or the other thing. In the meantime, I could have very well taken the lead, and didn’t. And now here I am, cleaning up what I should have picked up long ago. Learning to do things I should’ve learned long ago.

Today I cleaned out the garage. Do you know how many times I’ve cleaned out the garage in the 10 years that I’ve lived here?

Never. Nope. Not once.

That wasn’t one of my jobs. I just parked in the garage and got annoyed if I didn’t have enough room in the garage. I expected my husband to do it because it was a dirty man job. I worked, and I had my home wife jobs that I did, so why in the hell would I ever clean the garage?

My son was playing in the driveway and I got fed up staring at all the mess and dead leaves in the garage. I  got a lawn bag for leaves, a trash bag for trash, some boxes to categorize things, and got to work. I hung up yard tools, moved the snowblower to the back of the garage (since its May), put all of the toys on one side, cleared off a shelf for gardening items, consolidated things in boxes, and swept out the musty dirt and leaves.

And now I know what crap is in there and what isn’t. I had no idea about half of the stuff that was in the garage. Now it feels like its my garage and not someone else’s.

I also started cleaning up a corner of the basement that is most definitely the mess of my not-yet-ex-husband. It’s where he has dumped his tools and post-project trash for years. It just sits there and collects dust and dog hair and pisses me off every time I pass by it on my way to do laundry. I’m an organized person by nature, but when I know I have nothing to do with a mess, I am hands off and I will let it grow mold before I own it.

The garage cleaning motivated me. I went in the basement to switch a load of clothes and ended up getting a trash bag and some boxes and just started organizing the giant pile of man mess. It’s not done yet, but it’s enough of a start that I have a clear path to finish. Maybe when I’m done the entire basement will feel like it’s mine and not someone else’s.

Today I learned that I can take charge of a mess (even if its not mine) and make it nice for myself. If I don’t do it, who in the hell is going to do it?

Stifle Me Not

May 20th Lesson: Without Trust, Love is Lost

Learning, Love, Separation, Trust

Today it has been seven months since I told my husband to leave our home. And he left without a fight. Just like that the house was eerily quiet and I was alone with my sleeping children in their beds. I made my decision.

I didn’t do it on a whim. I found him asleep on his recliner. His phone was laying there on his chest. I picked it up to charge it for him (no really, I did just want to charge it), and I see a text message from a recipient I did not recognize. I know the code to his phone, so I check out what this text message was about. It was enough evidence to change our lives forever.

I took an entire 24 hours to reflect on the past 10 years, I asked him one last question, and then I made the choice.

I don’t make important choices quickly.

It then took me a full week of wanting to throw up daily to make an appointment to see a lawyer. I’m a thinker. I must be sure that I’m making the best choice for me.

The biggest factor that helped me make my decision was this: What advice would I give my daughter or son years from now if they were in my same position?

I love my kids more than I love myself. I knew if I really considered what advice I would give to my kids, then that would be best for my own well-being. I struggle with making the best decisions for myself because I easily doubt my gut feeling and talk myself into a different direction that I think “should” be the right decision.

Several times in the past seven months, I’ve wanted to turn to my not-yet-ex-husband when he was around and throw in the towel and give him a hug and tell him to move back and let’s just be good parents and do the best we can.

Do you know where that would leave me as an individual human?

A big pile of comfortable nothing. I would be back at doing the best I can in life for someone that I don’t trust (other than with our kids).

The definition of trust: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

If I can’t trust in my husband, how can I continue to choose to love him? Love is a choice. I’m not sure I can make that choice if my own state of being will be a big pile of nothing.

That doesn’t seem like something I would advise my kids to do.

This man hasn’t shown one ounce of an attempt to gain my trust back. My main observation is that he doesn’t want to. Or maybe he doesn’t know how? (and see, this is how I got myself in this mess – by coming up with well-fitting reasons that justify his behavior). But I’m done with making excuses for his actions. His actions.

He has gone to seek help for himself. He continues to be a caring father. He has been nice and cordial to me. He has helped me with some things with the yard and the house. When I became unemployed, he kept me on his benefits so I wouldn’t be without health insurance. He has worked overtime and has continued to let me take as much money as I need to get by without my paycheck.

He is still caring for his family. But the trust is gone.

And he still blames me for his actions. His actions.

Today I’m learning that the real acceptance is setting in. Sometimes it takes me seven months or so to figure it out. Without trust, love is lost for me.

Stifle Me Not

May 19th Lesson: Rude Ass Behavior Sucks, Just Stop It Damn Humans

Rude Ass Behavior

For the most part, I go with the flow. I’m an introvert, but I’m not shy. I’m not anti-people, but I will say that many people confuse me. However, I’m fairly accepting of people in all generations, races, and ethnicities. I actually try not to label anyone and give people the benefit of the doubt – to a damn fault. Since I’ve had more time on my hands, I’ve had way more time to observe basic human behavior lately. It’s amazing, regardless of color, age, etc., there are so many rude ass people out there.

Here are just a few examples of what I’ve witnessed this week.

Rude Young Non-Gentleman on Cell Phone in Coffee Shop – The other morning I stopped to get a bagel and coffee. As I waited for my order to be ready, a younger guy was on his cell phone as he was ordering, and he was trying to shove his credit card at the cashier as he yapped on the phone and he hadn’t even completed the order. It was one of those do-it-yourself swipe machines, but he just kept trying to give it to her because he wasn’t paying attention. The cashier was trying to instruct him to pay on the key pad swiper thing, but he was too “busy” on his phone to have basic human manners to 1) acknowledge her as a person, or 2) pay attention to how to pay properly. After his order was complete, I was getting a lid for my coffee, and he blindly cut me off. It would’ve been a damn shame if I spilled my coffee on him.

Demanding Lady at the Garden Center – I went to buy some flowers yesterday and it was a mad house. People were so laser focused on their own little world and didn’t have a care in the world for any other human in their path. As I was trying to select the best flat of petunias, this lady was buzzing around huffing and puffing about hooks and her ferns and how is she gonna get this to her car?? She then very directly (and rudely) asked (aka demanded) one of the workers to grab some of her ferns and follow her to her car. He quickly obliged, and she couldn’t have been more ungrateful. Manners lady, manners.

Impatient Older Couple in Hardware Store Parking Lot – I went to buy a garden hose with my two kids today. Sounds like a simple task, right? Well, when miss 9-year old Sassy Face Diva Pants is in tow along with 2-year old I-Do-It-Myself Homeboy, it’s no longer a simple trip through a busy Saturday afternoon crowd. I did it though, mission accomplished.

I get to my car in the parking lot. My daughter gets in the car on her own. I throw the 100-foot garden hose on the ground next to my car so that I wouldn’t let go of my little guy’s hand. I scoop him up to put him in his car seat (in the back on the driver’s side), and I see a older lady staring at me out of the corner of my eye in the parked car directly next to me. I start to move a little faster, not sure if there’s someone in their driver’s seat waiting to back out.

Obviously you shouldn’t back out of a parking spot right next to a momma bear that is trying to safely buckle up her little cub, right?

Wrong!

Impatient ASS white-haired wrinkly man starts backing out of the parking spot right next to me with only like a 2-inch clearance from my open door where I’m leaned over, trying to diligently buckle my flailing toddler into his car seat. As I see the jerk’s car backing out, I kicked my hose under my car so that he wouldn’t run it over. Like seriously, your impatient rude ass couldn’t wait ONE MORE MINUTE!!!!! I glared at him and his very white-haired wrinkly wife and he WAVED at me. No, don’t wave at me. You didn’t do anything that deserves a wave. I started flailing my hands around and yelling at them to be patient people in the middle of the parking lot, and they drove away without a care in the world.

Today, this week, forever – I’ve had it with bad manners. I learned that my tolerance of rude ass behavior is deteriorating. This week’s bad behavior episodes have further reinforced my commitment to be nice and patient, unless otherwise provoked and then I’m going to squawk at you and flap my wings around until I feel better about it.

Stifle Me Not

 

 

May 18th Lesson: Unclogging Drains in Now My Job (gag)

Daughter, Hair, Separation

I had an entire other post written earlier, and I hadn’t published it yet, and then I showered. Yes, I showered, and the water rose up over my feet and my arch nemesis was back – a clogged drain (gag).

And so this is similar to my experience with mowing lawns in the last 10 years. I just don’t. Except in the last seven months, I’ve been forced to fight back my gag reflex and unclog that shit.

My daughter and I have longish thick brown hair. I’m half Italian. So she’s at least a quarter Italian. Clogged drains are a common occurrence in this household.

Oh my god it makes me gag. I hate it so much.

To top it all off, neither of us girls have had our hair trimmed in six months, so its longer than usual. And we’ve been hair-washing more than usual because of the damn Head Bugs Epidemic 2.0 (finally thank you baby Jesus that’s over).

Anyhow, in the past, when there’s a first sign of a clog, this is what would normally happen:

  1. I would almost cry because I HATE knowing that the water covering my feet in the shower is because of clogged hair (So effing gross – yes, I know it’s my hair but still soooo gross)
  2. I would tell my now-almost-ex-husband that the drain is clogged
  3. I would take a few more days of showers (repeat as needed) silently cursing my now-almost-ex-husband for not immediately unclogging the drain
  4. I would nag my now-almost-ex-husband to PLEASE unclog the drain (repeat as needed)
  5. Almost-ex-husband would unclog the drain in seconds, and dump some Drano down that biotch
  6. My next shower would be heaven with no water covering my feet

Tonight was the first night I noticed the drain was clogging. That’s a lie, I noticed it yesterday and hoped it would go away, but it didn’t. When I got out of the shower tonight, I got dressed and immediately unclogged that drain (gagging the entire time) and dumped the Drano.

How easy was that? Now why haven’t I just been doing that all along? It would have saved me steps 2 – 6 above.

From now on, I rely on me (unless my upper body strength is absolutely no match, and then I will suck it up and ask for help). I better start lifting weights.

Today I learned that I can rely on me so much faster than anyone else. I can handle almost anything, even if I’m gagging (as long as there’s no blood, I don’t do blood).

Stifle Me Not

May 17th Lesson: Pulling My Thought Weeds and Proud Me

Positive Attitude, Yard Care

I did yard work from 10 am to 5 pm today. I took a break for lunch and put my son down for a nap, but I was on a mission. I wanted to fully weed the flower beds so I can put flowers in and mulch down tomorrow. Then I mowed the entire yard.

All I could think as I was weeding is that it was like navigating thoughts. If you don’t consistently get rid of the bad weeds, they will take over the flower bed and everything will be a mess. If you consistently pull out the bad weeds, it may be constant work, but its manageable and the flower bed stays maintained.

Okay, I’m over analyzing weeds. I need to get a life.

I’ve been trying to not be negative lately. Sometimes its hard to stay positive, and I don’t think I really have to be all “I’m great!” and be all overly positive. I sort of just want to punch overly positive people in the face. How negative is that? Anyway, I’ve been trying to just not let negativity overtake my mind. Yesterday was rough because I was feeling nothing but rejection from every direction. Today I was overthinking and making weed analogies, but at least I don’t feel like an emotional pile of dog poop.

By the time I was done weeding, it was 4 pm and I was beat. My back was aching from being bent over all day. My quads were on fire since I literally did squats all day. And my hands felt like they were in a permanent state of carpel tunnel. So what did I do next?

I mowed the lawn.

I’ve already mentioned that I’m a lawn mowing newbie. This is only like the fourth time I’ve mowed the lawn on my own. Yes, ever. I was 21 years old when I met my husband. I lived in some sort of apartment and rented throughout most of my 20s. I was 27 years old when we bought the house I live in now. And 11 years later, this is the only house that I’ve ever personally owned, and I just never had to mow the lawn. I have always been the housekeeper and the gardener, but not usually the lawn maintenance person.

I may talk about lawn mowing like 50 more times on my blog, so let’s just prep you for that right now.

I feel like I’m finally starting to get the hang of it. My not-yet-but-soon-to-be-ex-husband took the kids to the park so it was just me and lawn mower. Mr. Lawn Mower started up on the first attempt and I happily trotted around the yard like I finally knew what I was doing. I even knew when the bag was full of grass and emptied it before blasting grass clumps all over my lawn.

As I moved to the backyard, I just couldn’t help but be glad that I’m in decent physical shape. This day kicked my ass, but I could handle it. I was counting my blessings that I have a healthy fit body,. This crap is hard work. I will say that I have a newfound respect for all the work my husband has been doing on the yard all these years, but he’s double my weight and has quite a bit more muscle mass, so whatever.

It makes me happy when I’m able to get something done that I don’t usually do. It makes me even happier when my not-yet-but-soon-to-be-ex-husband brought the kids home and told me the yard looked nice (with a look on his face like damn, she’s actually is doing it). I really don’t care if he gives me compliments anymore. I don’t trust anything he says. But I still know what he’s thinking. I know what the look on his face was when he gazed out the back door at the nicely mowed lawn.

So, after six long hard hours of yard work, I learned that today I’m proud of myself with my new lawn mowing capability. I know I’m not the first woman on the face of the earth to mow a lawn because her shitty almost ex-husband no longer lives there, but it’s my own little proud moment, so I’ll let that little light shine.

Stifle Me Not

May 16th Lesson: The Rejection is Taking its Toll

Positive Attitude, Rejection, Separation, Unemployment

It has been 6 months since I discovered my husband’s secrets. That was a big rejection for me. For my own well-being, I had to reject him.

It’s been almost 3 months since I was laid off, being rejected from my own place of employment (that I didn’t care for overall, but needed the paycheck).

It is a regular basis that I get automated emails telling me that I’m rejected (in so many words) from yet another potential place of employment.

It is May. It is nice weather. This is the month every year when I start running, but I’m not feeling well. My body is tired, my sinuses are clogged, my head hurts. My body is rejecting me.

You would think that clearing all of this negative energy from my life would help lift me up, and some days it does, but I am learning that all the rejection is taking its toll on my body, mind, and spirit.

“I will get through it,” says my stubborn brain to all of this rejection.

Stifle Me Not

May 15th Lesson: Quality Time is So Worth It

Daughter, Motherhood, Play, Unemployment

Today I learned that my daughter likes hanging out with me! Her brother was out with their dad. I picked her up from school and the first thing she said was “What do you want to do with me?”

Huh?

When I’m working I don’t hang out with my kids much. I see them, but I don’t usually have time to play. We spend time together, but not quality time. It’s more like rush rush out the door in the morning, and then in the afternoon it’s pick-up from school, hurry up to get dinner, maybe spend some TV together, but then it’s quickly bath and bed time. And on the weekends, that’s when I catch up on housework and catch my breath from the rat race of the week.

Today, she wanted quality time with mom. Okay then. So we played a little game of Scrabble. I beat her, but she didn’t care. Her mom played a game with her and that’s all she wanted. It was fun. I need to actually spend more play time with my kids. They are cool little humans.

Stifle Me Not

 

May 14th Lesson: The Magical Oil that Brought Peace of Mind

Daughter, Hair Bugs, Hugs, Positive Attitude

I have been combing through my daughter’s hair for exactly one month now since discovering Head Bug Epidemic 2.0. As of tonight’s combing session, I’m confident that she is bug and nit-free. I was fairly sure all was fine about a week ago, but those creepy little bugs (and the mess they leave behind) instill the utmost paranoia and anxiety in me. So I overdue the number of weeks of combing.

They seriously make me crazy and make me cry. I’m pretty sure I cried the first full week. The actual bug itself is creepy, but I don’t usually cry over bugs alone. It is the amount of work it takes with combing and preventing re-infestation that really makes me cry.

This time I discovered a new natural oil, Neem oil. It repels them AND it kills them. It is a such a stinky oil, but I swear it works. I read about it online and ordered some on Amazon. Peace of mind is everything.  The Neem oil really helped with that – and my gosh the smell alone was a reminder that it was working to repel anything that may want to live on our heads. It really does smell awful.

I could go into the whole story about Head Bug Epidemic 2.0, but I really just want to leave it in the past right now. I do have some tips for dealing with it that I’ll share in a later post. For now, I just want to give my daughter big hugs and continue to repel any unwanted head visitors going forward.

What’s my biggest lesson of the day (and the entire month)? Use Neem oil regularly to keep that crap away from our hair. We had some stinky hair, but it sure was soft! I will always keep a stash of that oil in our house.

Stifle Me Not

May 13th Lesson: Motivation from My Mom

Learning, Motherhood

Today is Mother’s Day. I went to visit my mom at her farm. Yep, my mom has a farm. She has lots of land with chickens, and tractors, and 4-wheelers. She has all the things I’ve never wanted in life, but it’s a nice quiet place out in the middle of nowhere to escape city living. It’s her little piece of heaven that she worked hard for and finally made a reality.

My mom has always been a working mom of 3 kids. She and my dad divorced after 14 years of marriage. I was 12, my brother was 10, and my sister was 5. My sister and I lived with my mom. My brother lived with my dad. We all lived less than 10 minutes apart and saw plenty of each other, so I don’t really see it as some sad story of a broken family. I’m not sure how my parents ever got married in the first place – they have nothing in common. Looking back, my parents whole marriage made no sense. I’ve told them this. They just shrug – they both got over it a long time ago.

During my teenage years between 13 and 16 years old, I watched my mom work long hard hours, and I helped clean the house and do laundry. I also spent entirely too much time watching my little sister (and helping her with her hair) and yelling at my brother to not do things that would burn the house down. I was the little home caretaker. I was home alone a lot. I could’ve seriously pulled some wild teenager shit, but I never did. Okay, maybe I did a little bit, but I didn’t have it in me to be too bad. It didn’t seem right.

My mom and I have gone through various mother-daughter phases. Of course she was my everything when I was a little kid. And she was a big role model for me when I was an early teen. She bought a little bungalow in the middle of her small old hometown so that we could be in a safe place with good schools. I watched her mow the grass and do yard work. She showed me how to balance a checkbook and told me the realities of what you can afford on a certain level of pay. She put up with me when I backed her car up into the neighbors car on the street (and she had to pay the insurance deductible). She didn’t kill me when my friends threw Zima bottles into our pool and ran away, leaving me to clean up the party mess (she made me go to church instead).

My mom tried her best to show me how to be smart and independent, but she also let me do fun girl things.

She let me talk too much on the phone and eat junk food. She didn’t censor what I watched on TV. She let me experiment with make-up (but wouldn’t let me leave the house wearing tons of eyeliner). She let me practice painting my own nails and plucking my eyebrows. When I was 11, she put braces on my teeth and throughout the process she would say “You’ll thank me someday,” (and I totally have many times). When I was 14, she let me get contacts so that I wouldn’t be so self-conscious about wearing my thick glasses. She let me hang out with who I wanted to be friends with and quietly watched as I made my own choices for who should stick around and who should go. Overall, she was about as non-helicopter mom as could be, but she wasn’t neglectful or uncaring. She just didn’t have time or energy to follow us around and monitor our every move.

My mom remarried when I was 16. That husband was a Loser (yes with a capital “L”). I moved out right after that husband moved in. She finally figured it out how much of a loser he was after it was too late. We watched my mom bounce back and get back to her old self after 7 long years with loser face. After that, she wasn’t going to settle for anything less than what she wanted and deserved.

She remarried again when I was 28 – the same year I got married. The next guy was a Winner and they were actually compatible. Too bad it took her so long to end up with her soul mate, but she finally did, and he digs the farm and chickens and living in the middle of nowhere too. I love that they are a match made in country heaven.

What I’ve learned from my mom through the years is to go after what you want and make sure you’re independent enough to do so. I haven’t agreed with every choice my mom has made, but therein lies the point – she has made her own choices. She has shaped her own way. She goes after what she wants and makes things happen. If something doesn’t go right, she learns and tries again. She got her farm. Thanks for the motivation mom. I will get my (non-farm) farm one day too.

Stifle Me Not

 

May 12th Lesson: Slow Down, Rest Up

Napping

It was a rainy day. I felt the need to do a million things today, but I did not accomplish much. My brain was on overdrive, my body was not. My kids went with their dad for a couple of hours and I thought maybe I should go running or clean out another section of the basement or fold laundry. None of that happened. When my kids are not home, I typically turn into a powerhouse energizer bunny that can multitask at the pace that I am thinking – and that is fast.

Today, not so much.

Before I knew it, they returned. I had nothing to show for my day except a dirty dish from my lunch. Oh, I made eggs for myself. Does that count?

My son was a train wreck, so I laid him down for a nap. I told my daughter she could have iPad time. And then I did the unthinkable.

I took a nap.

For almost an hour, I took one of those sink-into-your-bed-heavy-breathing kind of glorious naps. It was amazing. I haven’t napped like that in years. I usually use my son’s nap time as productive adult time on something that requires concentration, like doing bills or making an important phone call. Nope, not today. Today I took a NAP.

Today’s lesson is to slow down and rest up. Ya never know when life is going to speed up again.

Stifle Me Not