Throw Me a Bone

I often wonder at what point do I just lose my mind altogether? But no, I continuously remind myself to take it “one day at a time.”

“Things will get better.”

“There’s no such thing as perfect, so just roll with it.”

“Go with the flow.”

“I am in charge, I have power over my choices.”

“God doesn’t give you anything that you can’t handle.”

Right. Got it. Well, I finally moved into acceptance mode that my house was on the market. I committed to getting through it and moving forward. My house listed yesterday, on my birthday of all days, and I received multiple showing requests right away. I was able to get out of the house for one yesterday and had six scheduled for today. I couldn’t believe there was that much demand for people to see my modest little colonial home.

So I started to get excited and think of the possibilities if offers came rolling in. I was fully embracing the change. I often do, but what keeps happening lately is a punch in the face that leaves me dazed and confused. There’s been this grand detour lately. I can handle change, I can handle a detour here and there, but I’m baffled by how nonstop it is lately. I remember going years without one damn new thing happening. Life was boring, now it’s a daily surprise to say the least.

Today I had a big plan to take my two kids and two dogs to my sister’s house while six potential buyers walked through my house and peeked into my closets between the hours of 10 AM and 5 PM. Last night the house was mostly spotless so that I had little work to do in the morning. I went to bed around midnight, and as I’m about to drift off into a glorious slumber, I hear my 9-year old daughter in the bathroom. She was sick. The first hour was her thinking that she might be sick, sitting on the bathroom floor by the toilet just staring. By 1 AM she was definitely sick. I tried to help her the best a mama bear can. She proceeded to dry heave for the next five hours. Each time I was about to drift off to sleep, I’d awaken to gagging sounds that no mother wants to hear. And what mom should just stay comfy in their bed while their kid vomits their guts out? Of course I got up each time to make sure she was okay, got her fluids, told her I loved her, and then disinfected anything she touched and washed my hands.

By 7 AM she drifted off to sleep. I decided she was in no shape to go anywhere and her bed was the best place for her to be. I canceled all of the house showings for today. I couldn’t help but wonder why? And maybe I was overthinking it, but why on earth did I finally get excited to sell my house and it was quickly swiped away? Obviously I’m not going to force my kid to be sick in the car or away from home while strangers roam our house.

All of these life changes are messing with me. Throw in big detours and I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I decide I’m finally ready to get divorced, I lose my job a day before I’m supposed to file the final paperwork to my lawyer. You can’t come to a dissolution agreement without income.

I lose my job, I decide I’m okay with a little break from work and try to make the most of it. I try daily and weekly to job search and network and keep an open mind to new possibilities. I get a decent amount of bites, yet none of them are working out.

I finally decide that selling my house is something that can help move us forward, and I can’t manage to have showings because of a sick kid. I know sick kids happens, but a sick kid in the middle of July is kind of rare.

I vacillate between “I’m doing everything wrong” to “Life happens, I’m doing the best I can.”

Damn I’m trying not to throw a pity party for myself. Lord knows things can always get worse. But I would like a break. I stable freakin’ break. If a little stability could come rolling in, that would be amazing. It’s been 9 months of chaos. I’d just like to know where I’m going to live and work in the next couple of months. My kids would appreciate it too. It’s heartbreaking that my daughter wants to buy her school supplies and I’m hesitant because I don’t know if we’ll be living here or have an entirely new school supply list at a new school.

Throw me a bone universe. Please.

Stifle Me Not

 

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