Breathing a New Life

It’s been seven days since I’ve put an offer on a house. Luckily I’ve worked in the mortgage industry, and recently sold a house, so nothing was a shock when I went through the inspection process. In fact, it all made complete sense to me. I expected a few small challenges, and oh, there were some. We’re still working through them. I don’t have a scheduled closing date yet, but I know it’s right around the corner.

Now the seller was a little more than shocked. She’s been living in the same house for the past 25 years. She wasn’t prepared for the roller coaster ride like I was. My life has been nothing but a series of ups and downs the past two years, so this is just a another few pages in a very long chapter to me.

Today was a productive day. I got an oil change for my car, got my taxes done, and did a little furniture shopping. I’m in full force moving prep mode. As soon as I get that closing date scheduled, I’m going to get everything lined up — new carpet, new furniture, calling all utility companies, and get movers scheduled.

I’m feeling good about this place in my life right now. When I was getting my taxes done, the tax lady was asking me the tax standard questions. I explained to her that I’m divorced and the agreement for claiming dependents was that I claim one child and my ex claims the other. She continued to do her job, but she was visibly bothered by the “D” word. A little bit further into the tax prep, she asks more questions, where she comes to the realization that I’m newly divorced. I say yes, it was last year.  Her face looked sad and hopeless for me. I simply responded that everything is good. With concerned eyes, she asked me if he hurt me.

That was a very real and loaded question that I was not expecting. I just smiled at her and said “no, not physically.” She asked if it was all better now. Ha! Two loaded questions in a row… it took me a a few seconds to respond as it was occurring to me that the tax lady was caring about a little more than just the taxes. I said “yes, things are working out well.”

And things are working out well. Maybe not as quickly as I’d like, but I’m sure there’s a reason for that.

I look back to when I was moving all of my crap out of my old house, and all I wanted was out. All I wanted was a new start. My new start has taken so long, but it has been a necessary healing process. There is no beginning or end. It’s been a process. No one tells you that about life. There are all of these expectations about starting and ending. But the in between is where you get stuff done. The in between is what makes or breaks you. The in between is the challenge that transforms you to get to the end. And the end is just a new start, not a true end.

What a damn game of figuring shit out this has all been. Realizing that I can’t have everything I want NOW because other things about to happen first for good reasons – to grow my mindset, to develop my patience, to adjust my perspective, to transform me into someone I could never be without the challenge – has been one of the greatest lessons.

And now I all I see around me in others are many people in a pre-now-me state. I want to help them, but I can’t. It has to be done on your own. Like breathing.

Stifle Me Not

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