The New Year is a time to plan ahead. I feel like I can’t plan past January 22nd, my surgery date. I’ve never been in this situation before. This is so frustrating. No matter how much my brain understands what’s happening, my usual habits die hard. Everyone is talking about different things they’re planning to do in the future, and I’m here like, well, we’ll see how I feel in a few months. My daughter tries to ask me simple questions about her Spring sports, and it left me stressed and dazed. I’ve never had “I don’t know” as an answer for so many questions in all my life.

It almost feels like I’m going to be intentionally blocked from my usual lifestyle in order to change somehow, otherwise, I would never change. This has happened to me before, and I sense it’s happening again, although rather extreme means to get me to change don’t ya think? I guess major life changes choose you, you don’t usually choose them.

I would’ve never divorced my husband if it weren’t for him cheating. He wasn’t a healthy partner for me to be with in general. He was chipping away at my general well-being, but I made every excuse in the book for his behavior. Him cheating was, in my mind, the only reason I’d ever end things. Well, that day came, and even though it wasn’t an easy decision, it forced me to make a decision.

I feel like that’s what’s happening now. I am getting some clues lately, and it’s weighing on me. I am an A1 multitasker. From the moment I wake up to the second I drift off to sleep, I am doing multiple things and planning steps in the next few moments, days, weeks or months. I guess you could say I’m a woman. Haha! I do notice I may be more extreme than most, because I notice when other people aren’t or haven’t planned ahead. I’m always one step ahead of everyone else. And I’m tired. And I think this is a wake-up call to slow down.

My cancer is completely 100% fueled by hormones and there’s no genetic cause for it whatsoever. I’m not a doctor, but I have a sense of intuition that hasn’t let me down much. It could take years for me to figure out I’m accurate about something, but my hunches are often pretty close to the target.

I think my insane ability to multitask, plan, and organize is all a direct result of me coping with stress. When I was little, I hated to feel that pit in my stomach when something was wrong or I didn’t want to confront something or someone. I learned so well how to deal with stress that I don’t even know when I’m stressed anymore. I seriously don’t. Society has beat into our brains that women can do everything a man can do, or even do it better. Uh, no we can’t. I’m not built for this. I am out of my mind that I’ve been juggling a full-time job, two kids, and all the demands of a career and household, while simultaneously (occasionally) trying to date. Not to mention all of the little surprises that life in general throws at us.

No matter how many studies you put in front of me that “prove” stress doesn’t contribute to my type of cancer, I don’t believe it. There are many types of cancer and causes, so I’m not here saying stress causes all cancer. But if you look at my hormone-fueled cancer, it makes sense. Stress elevates cortisol, cortisol has an impact on estrogen. Estrogen, in my case, is growing cancer. I know environmental factors can contribute as well. There’s so much crap in our hygiene products and foods that it’s hard to say what is or isn’t a contributor. My gut is telling me I’ve underestimated the amount of stress I’ve taken on and dealt with in life so far.

I think I’m being nudged to cut back and reduce my stress, although that’s damn near impossible with two kids. I’m still going to worry about them and do all the things that all the moms in the world do for their kids. I don’t know the answer(s) yet on how I’m going to reduce stress, but the seed has been planted into my little brain, and I’m now consciously evaluating all of my habits that I call “normal”. This lifestyle of mine is slowly eroding me.

Two things happened this weekend that also led me down this path.

First, on Saturday evening, I was about to take my daughter’s friend home and I was stopped in my tracks due to my own lack of self-awareness. My daughter, her friend, and my son all piled in the car as I rushed around trying to get out the door. I had been doing work on my laptop and lost track of time. I had a case of sparkling water on the floor in the garage, and I bent down to grab a can before leaving. As I lifted my head up and twirled around to get into the car, I banged my head into the edge of the open car door (that I forgot was wide open). I immediately saw stars, wondered if I was bleeding, hushed the kids as they looked at me with wide eyes, and I went back into the house to get an ice pack. Luckily, I was not bleeding, and the immediate ice pack helped minimize the size of the knot on my forehead. But it’s two days later and that sucker still hurts. Why was I even rushing? I didn’t even realize I was rushing until I was made to slow down.

Second, last night on New Year’s Eve, I was getting ready to take my daughter to her boyfriend’s house. Right before leaving, I replaced the water filter in my refrigerator and began to run water through it, filling a big cup multiple times just to get the water flowing through the new filter and to make sure the water was clear. As I filled the big cup, I noticed it wasn’t filling much, but my daughter was ending her shower, so I figured it was just low water pressure. I took her to her boyfriend’s house, came back home, and began preparing some brownies to bake while also planning to cook some food in the air fryer while the brownies baked in the oven. As I opened the refrigerator to grab some eggs, I realized my entire refrigerator, including all the drawers, were filled with water.

What in the actual F*&K!?

Apparently, yours truly rushed through the filter replacement process and did not insert the filter tightly enough, causing water to come flowing out of the filter door and throughout the entire refrigerator. That clean-up process took about an hour, with lots of cursing and near tears moments.

When I first put the filter in, if you would’ve accused me of rushing and not putting it in tight enough, I would’ve fiercely denied such a thing had happened. However, hindsight is 20/20, and that is exactly what happened. I was rushing to do too many things.

My constant race through life is making me miss it. Or causing me to get injured or clean up more messes than I need to…

This cancer path is going to change me. I can resist it, or I can slow down and learn from it. Ugh, here we go. Time to take my own advice.

Stifle Me Not