Category Archives: Positive Attitude

Time to Strengthen Up

Healing, Positive Attitude

I’m back. My third and hopefully final surgery is done. Now I’m in the aftermath of numerous doctor follow up visits. Some are related to my surgery, and some are just because it’s been over a full year since this shitstorm of a cancer diagnosis started.

It’s been about 4 1/2 weeks since my reconstruction surgery. I’m feeling much better, but not sure on the results. When I saw the plastic surgeon two weeks ago, he assured me things would “even out” a little bit. Well, right now I’m not seeing that. One side looks like half a grapefruit was shoved under my skin, and the other side looks slightly bigger, but gravity took hold and is weighing it down. Thank goodness for sports bras. I’m not going to complain though, because some people can’t even get reconstructed. I’ll take what I can get. This is my new normal. It’s fine. It’s not like my full-time job is to be a Victoria’s Secret model. I’ll be okay.

Also, I don’t ever recommend liposuction. They did fat grafting from my thighs and stomach to try to make my chest look more “natural”. Well, liposuction healing is apparently no joke. In the first couple weeks afterward, I looked like a domestic violence victim with glued up puncture wounds. I’m astonished that people sign up for this just to remove fat and not to correct some other problem. I’d much rather diet and work out than have to heal from puncture wounds and bruising like that ever again. Ick.

My mom was supposed to take me to surgery, but she caught the flu. My dad didn’t hesitate to take me to the hospital that morning. Surgery was about 3 1/2 hours. Started about 8 am, and I was done a little before Noon. My stepmom graciously brough me home by 3 pm. The next day, my dad got the flu. My daughter had bronchitis, and my son was on antibiotics for strep throat. I was surrounded by sickness! I have no idea how I made it to surgery and after surgery without getting sick, but the Holy Spirit protected me from all the germs.

The scheduling of my surgery, and what was going on around me, was amazingly…timely. My surgery was on a Wednesday. My kids’ school was cancelled the next day, Thursday, because of bad weather. Then they were off a long weekend Friday – Monday. This gave them time to get healthy. School was then cancelled again on Tuesday and Wednesday. This was amazing because I couldn’t get my son to school. My dad would’ve been the one to help me transport my son, but he was down and out with the flu himself. I’m not sure what I would’ve done to get my son to school if it hadn’t been cancelled due to weather.

I took pain medication for about 5 days. It was a rough first week. I switched to Tylenol and Advil after the first week because pain medication was starting to give me headaches. My kids helped me with anything heavy, like taking out the trash, hauling laundry baskets, etc. Other than that, I took care of myself. My parents called to check on me, but there wasn’t much they could do since they were both sick. Somehow, I was able to drop my son off at school by the time he did actually have to go back. It was a rough 2nd week as well, but at least I was off pain meds and knew I could drive if I had to.

After a full week, I realized I couldn’t concentrate on working, even if I was at home. I was too uncomfortable. I opted to be out for a full week and a half. I took two more days plus the weekend to continue healing. By the last week of January, I was able to log into my computer, start getting organized and interact with my work team again. I thought it would be a chill slow week at home. Not so much. I caught a big error by one of my employees while working at home. This was good, because it had to be addressed. But bad because it set off a domino effect of other issues. My first week working, while at home, was horrible. It was stress after stress. The following week (my first week back in the office) was just as stressful.

Today is the first day I’ve been able to do uninterrupted work for minutes and hours at a time.

All of the sudden we’re a month out from my surgery. It’s been a whirlwind of a month. I’m blessed that I have the family and job that I have. I’m blessed that I’ve made it through to the other side of yet another surgery. Now we go into maintenance mode. As soon as I get cleared from the plastic surgeon next week, I start physical therapy. All of this healing and sitting has made the tendons in my one arm stiff and it’s difficult to reach upward. After physical therapy, I want to keep it going. I plan to start on a slow but sure workout and healthy eating lifestyle… with occasional treats in between. My goal is not to lose weight, but to get stronger. I lost a lot of muscle this past year, and I want it back, plus some. I gained a lot of mental, emotional, and spiritual strength this year, and now I want to re-strengthen my physical body.

Stifle Me Not

New Year, New Priorities

Change, Healing, Perspective Shift, Positive Attitude

Well, here we are, almost a full year since my mastectomy. I had my second surgery of the year on Mon 11/11 — had my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed. It was surgical removal or keep them chemically suppressed with a monthly injection. The past three months of injections proved to be full of unwanted side effects, so it only made sense to cut the estrogen off at its source.

And now I’m getting ready for another surgery in 5 days, reconstruction at last.

After hitting my grief limit in mid-October (over Mr. Avoidant), I slid back into my steady stable happy single life like nothing ever happened. I finished October on a high note and moved right into November and December without missing a beat. After my surgery, voila! it was time for the holidays. I thoroughly enjoyed my family, friends, and food. It was a great Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year.

I forced myself to refocus on my health and my kids. I haven’t spent an extra thought on Mr. Avoidant for months. Although he works with me, he’s not in the same building. We rarely have an exchange, if any, because my employees are typically the ones who interface with him. There have been two near encounters, but I stopped them before they could start.

One night, after dinner I saw I had a missed call from him. And a text saying something to the effect that he knows I don’t want to talk to him, but he just didn’t want to put my family through whatever it is that he’s going through. It’s alcoholism. That’s what he’s going through. He needs help. He knows it, I know it, everyone knows it, but he remains in denial, which is more than half the battle.

I did text him back. I spoke my mind, basically told him his silence the past couple months was response enough that I needed for my perspective on him. I also told him he’s hurting people by not getting himself help.

Response from him? More silence. It’s fine. It’s sad, disappointing that’s how he deals with problems, but more silence it was. I left it there.

Fast forward to our company Christmas party. I saw him from afar and wanted nothing to do with him. He looked terrible. Badly dressed, heavier than I remembered, and drunk. I had to walk past his chair at one point and he asked how I was doing. Uh, fine. F-I-N-E. After the dinner portion of the evening, I went to the restroom, and low and behold, he’s the ONLY other human in the hallway with me. For shits sake. I had to acknowledge his existence. He tried to start a conversation. He must’ve asked how I was doing, and I just said “Good”.

G-O-O-D.

And good I have been. I don’t even know what I was thinking having any kind of romantic connection to that guy. Basically, I was in a bad place (post-chemo, no hair, needing attention), and he’s always in a bad place (alcoholic who tells good jokes to get attention)… it was the perfect storm. He caught me in a vulnerable state, and I allowed it to happen.

Never again.

This New Year, there will be no dates to just date. There will be dates to see if there’s a connection that could potentially work long term. If none, go away. Run far far away. Right now, I’m not even focused on any dating (I guess I wasn’t last time either, but whatever). My focus is to heal from this last surgery and take care of myself and my family. I have a plan to buy a new car. My daughter is going to start driving and take over my current car. I’m taking care of my body, my family, my finances, and anything else that’s important to ME.

My New Years resolution is to give myself grace. Try my best and remember I can’t control everything. God has it.

New Year, New Priorities.

God, Family, Me.

Stifle Me Not

I Did It!

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Change, Healing, Hope, Motivation, Positive Attitude

Yesterday I completed my last round of chemotherapy. And today I got my last shot to increase my white blood count, which always follows the day after a chemo treatment. I was dreading this last treatment. And rightly so, I didn’t have a port, so my veins in my one arm are getting abused. Third poke was the charm, with the help of an ultrasound machine to locate a good vein. My doctor appointment went well after that, but then it took a couple of hours to be cleared from my bloodwork to start the infusion process — because my results were sent to the wrong department. My infusion lasted from Noon to 3 PM. And I finally got to ring the bell!

For as much dread as I’d had the last week leading up to this appointment, I was so excited to ring the bell! I was all smiles as so many nurses gathered around to clap for me and hug me and take pictures. As I walked out the exit, people in the waiting room were clapping for me. It felt great to get through this milestone!! I don’t ever want to do that again!!

Next week is my setup scan for the next milestone – Radiation. From what I hear, it’s way better than the chemo. And I get to start growing my hair back out!

I’m so proud of myself. I almost bypassed chemo altogether for fear of the side effects, but I think this was a good thing. It was doable. Hard, but doable.

Time to move into the next season. More goals ahead.

Stifle Me Not

Getting Through #3

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Healing, Honesty, Motherhood, Positive Attitude

Treatment #3 was a success. It was delayed, but it happened. I now see why chemo ports are a thing. Since my treatment plan is 4 treatments, I wasn’t ordered to have a port put in. Little did I know how destructive one chemo treatment can be to one vein, and nearby veins. Treatment #1 was easy since I was undamaged. Treatment #2 was easy at first, but I needed a new IV in a new vein by the last medication. By this week, Treatment #3, the nurses were struggling to find a sturdy entranceway.

Everything was delayed by about an hour on Monday because I they had to redraw blood and poke me about 4 different times. God bless the very experienced nurse that was finally able to deal with my veins.

And God Bless my dad for impatiently waiting through it all, and continuing to wait with me for the next 4 hours. My mom helped me out when I had my mastectomy in January. And my dad has been taking me to all of the chemo treatments. I don’t wish this on any parent, no matter how old their child is. I’m so thankful for both of them being here for me, and helping me out with my kids. In the first few days after treatment, I’m useless. My dad has been picking up my son and taking him to and from school when I can’t. My mom checks on me religiously, as does my sister and some of my close friends.

No matter how much this sucks, this experience is making me so grateful for everyone in my life.

Today is a struggle. Somehow, I managed to get out of bed to say goodbye to my daughter before she caught the bus. Somehow, I managed to make my son a bagel, pack his lunch, and send him off with grandpa to school. Somehow, I managed to get on my work laptop to answer a few emails. And, somehow, I was even able to make myself an omelet.

I’m doing it. I’m getting through round #3.

Stifle Me Not

Fighting the Good Fight Against Myself

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Change, God, Hope, Overthinking, Positive Attitude

It’s one week until I start chemo. I am, quite frankly, terrified.

I know this a last week of normal-as-I-know-it. I thought being diagnosed and having a mastectomy messed with my normal, but I returned to normalish pretty quickly after getting back to work. Returning to work helped me get back into a familiar routine. The worst of it is trying to quiet my mind about what’s next.

I’ve been trying hard not to try too hard. I’m trying to enjoy day as much as possible, but knowing chemo is right around the corner is really messing with me. I feel like I just got my life back from healing from surgery, and I appreciate each good morning. I wake up every morning and feel pretty good, think of what day it is, and immediately think of how many more days I have until I have strong drugs infused into my body. I woke up crying two days in a row, just because I was overwhelmed within my first few thoughts of the day.

Three weeks ago, I started on two drugs: an injection that’s supposed to suppress my ovary function and a daily aromatase inhibitor pill. The pill lowers estrogen levels, which helps to decrease growth of any breast cancer cells. Since getting the injection and being on the pills, I feel an overall difference in my body, energy, joints, etc. The first week was full of head and body aches. It improved by week 2. It’s not the worst, but it’s not a carefree-breezy-feeling-body anymore.

Last week, my doctor told me to stop the pill while I go through chemo and radiation. I’ve felt great since being off the pill for a week. I think my fear is valid. Not only are chemo and radiation going to have their own set of side effects, but there’s no returning to my current “normal”. After the major treatments are over, I’ll be on pills for a good part of the next decade.

The diagnosis I received in November is supposedly the “good kind” that is highly treatable. After learning of my diagnosis, it was immediately followed up with, “but it’s non-aggressive and treatable”. That made me feel better for a little while, until I experienced how the treatment makes me feel. What they don’t tell you is the drugs alter your everything. Your life flips upside down just as much as someone else’s life. In my case, instead of gradually entering into older age, I’m being forced into menopause (and more) all within a few months. This sounds so much simpler than it actually is.

Sounds. So. Simple.

People often refer to cancer patients as “fighters”. The definition of a fighter is someone who doesn’t easily admit defeat in spite of difficulties or opposition. The truth is, yes, you’re fighting, but you’re not fighting anything or anyone but yourself. You’re relinquishing complete control, and that’s the hardest part of the fight. I’m not in control of any of this. Yes, I’m questioning my treatment options along the way and making a few key decisions. But whichever path I take, I’m releasing control and having to trust outside of my own actions.

If you refuse treatment, you give up control of knowing what’s going on in your body. If you agree to treatment, you’re handing control over to doctors and nurses. Even if you’re somewhere in the middle, in which you agree to some treatment and not others, you’re still left with not really controlling a damn thing. Something could get away from you, or someone could screw up something. You’re constantly fighting you own doubts, worries, fears, etc.

So when you hear someone say, “he or she is a fighter”, it’s not untrue. They’ve become masters at fighting their constant thoughts and emotions. This is where mind over matter comes in. I’ve heard about this, but I see it now. I see how you have to keep your attitude going in a more positive direction to influence your physical well-being.

A mental battle I keep encountering is handling other people’s thoughts and emotions too. Not everyone operates the way I do, and that can frustrate me. I’ve already overanalyzed every possible thing about my treatment, so when someone else does it in front of me, I’m already over it. I don’t want to discount their valid feelings, but I also don’t want to spend more time on something I’ve already conquered in my own mind. I don’t want to be set back.

Something that does keep setting me back emotionally, which I really hate, is that I’m upset that my family is helping me out. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and that they’re there for me. I’m so happy and blessed to have them. But I had a husband once upon a time, and he decided to cheat on me because he’s a selfish narcissist. Now he’s off having fun with his girlfriend, while avoiding serving an important caretaker role in my life. Now, 6 years later, of course I don’t want him to take care of me, but I can’t help but feel like I should be his mess. He should be the one taking me to appointments and worrying about me, but I know if he was here he’d blow the fight right out of me.

So I can’t help but wonder if all of this will have some weird twisty ending in which it was supposed to happen this way. And I continuously go back to God must be mysteriously up to something. I don’t know what it is, and I won’t know what it is for a while. But it’s all for something, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

Stifle Me Not

1-Week Countdown

Breast Cancer, Cancer Sucks, Honesty, Motivation, Positive Attitude, Taking Charge, , , ,

My surgery is in one week. Since being diagnosed, I’ve come a long way mentally. It was a rollercoaster at first. There have been a lot of “hurry up and wait” moments. Last night was my final screening test before my surgery, a CT scan. Just what I wanted to do on a freezing Friday night in January – hang out in the ground floor level (aka basement) Radiology waiting room to drink crap for more body imaging. Luckily, they called me in early, so I didn’t have to wait as long as I thought. On my way home, I gripped the wheel the whole way while driving in cold, windy freezing rain. I told myself this is winter; this is how it is. This is just how it is.

I now have a week to get as much done as possible before surgery. This includes everything with work, home, kids, and informing people that are taking care of me about certain things. Certain things like… hey, here’s a schedule for each kid before, during, and after school… and hey, here’s an envelope to open only if I don’t wake up from my anesthesia.

I don’t have a will. I realize I should have one, but I wasn’t prepared for this. I threw together a quick 2-page document that outlines a few things and wishes, and I intend to revise it, but I don’t have a lawyer to make a significant plan right now. I don’t even have time for surgery. Good thing God is in charge, because I don’t have time for any of this!

I’m still not sure how I’ll stop being my usual active, busy self, but I suppose the music will stop and I’ll just have to stop as well. The last few weekends have been nonstop. This morning I was running around with my kids for about 4 hours. My daughter needed new running shoes and a haircut, and then my son had a soccer game. It’s all basic Saturday errands, but I won’t be able to drive for a few weeks after my surgery, and it’s really bothering me. I understand I won’t even feel well to drive, but I’m just so used to being physically independent to do whatever I want.

I have a mental checklist of all the things I want to do before I’m forced into restriction mode. I have to make sure my bathroom is clean, my floors are vacuumed, my sheets are changed, my laundry is all clean, etc. I’m also making a grocery list. I intend to make a run to Costco next weekend, so we’re stocked up on school snacks and toiletries, etc. I have an oil change scheduled for my car mid-week. I want to get a couple of books. It’s all basic stuff, many things that I do regularly anyhow, but I have the extra stress of knowing I won’t be able to freely do these things for about a month after my surgery.

Well, here we go, it’s a 1-week countdown to getting a mastectomy and reconstruction. Let’s hope I tackle everything and then some, so I can get the healing process started. This hard, but my mindset is in a good place right now. It helps that I have a wonderful family and friends checking on me. My prayers are more focused on “God, take these worries and anxieties away” more than anything else. Well, other than “God, please protect my kids throughout their day”.

Lately it feels like, if I can just subside the fear of what’s to come, I can get to it and through it.

Stifle Me Not

Change for the Better

Change, New and Unknown, Positive Attitude

It’s been almost a year since I’ve posted anything. Life has been one thing after another, but overall it’s been mostly good days with little spurts of some crap days in between. The bad days make all of the other days look like sunshine.

My outlook and perspective on the world has changed so drastically in the past year. The pandemic caused me to stop watching mainstream media, avoid fear-based everything, and not believe everything I see and hear. My political beliefs have done a literal 180. I went down a rabbit hole of questioning many things, and came out the other end wondering where the hell I’ve been for this entire lifetime. I’ve become more selective and critical about what I experience these days, whether it be people, work, music, social media … the list is endless. We’re not on this earth for very long, so I choose not to live a life I’m not loving.

Over the last year I’ve gotten to know the ins and outs and quirks about my house. It isn’t that old, but it’s on the first phase of needing extra attention after 25 years. I’ve had to call a plumber and electrician here and there. I’m finally familiar with what plants are growing in my flower beds, I’ve sprayed for spiders regularly, I have a routine for mowing the lawn, and I’m now familiar with the regular noises of my home. I’ve painted many of the rooms and tried to make it as cozy as I can. I even had a new kitchen floor installed. The next phase is a kitchen cabinet/counter top makeover along with new appliances, but I’m hoarding my money until I’m sure about what I want.

I have a good routine going with work and having two kids in school. I cook a “real” meal about twice a week and we survive on leftovers or PB&J the other days. The kids are in good spirits about regular visits with their dad. He is still the “fun” one, while I’m the one who ensures their safety and well being above all else… but I’ve become more fun as I’m no longer plagued by anxieties of my past life. I’m learning to enjoy my quiet time when they’re away and not just using all \that time to prepare for their return. In fact, they are going on vacation with their dad during Spring Break, and I’ve scheduled my own little Spring Break vacation with my sister.

I’ve started eating healthier, walking at lunch time when I’m at work, and doing yoga. Last year the pandemic started near Easter … which meant chocolate peanut butter eggs were in the house. That phase lasted through the Christmas Cookie phase at Christmas. I then saw my max weight before my eyes one morning and my inner health nut woke up.

I’ve finally acquired all of the necessary health providers – primary doctor, dentist, eye doctor, etc. I have a regular place to take my car for an oil change. And I no longer need to put on the GPS when I’m going to a store or restaurant. This area was once my home long ago has now become my home again.

Last, but not least, after more than 3 years, I feel like I’ve come full circle with the terms of being single – “single working mom with two kids”. I am enjoying who I am and doing what I want, but I’m slowly becoming open to the possibility of dating.

I don’t want to do serial dating to find “the one”. This is no longer a race of the biological clock ticking like it was in my 20s. This is a selective marathon to enjoy someone who runs my pace, is trustworthy to be around my kids, and will be considerate of my time and efforts. I’m not foolish enough to think that someone will truly put me first, because I likely won’t do the same. By the time you’re over 40, the baggage is there whether we like it or not. The question is not who can I find without lots of baggage, but rather who will support me while I carry mine? And who is worth it for me to return the favor?

I logged into WordPress to cancel my account because I haven’t written anything in so long. And somehow I just magically started typing. I don’t know what I’ll do next, but I’m sure it will be good – likely a change for the better.

Stifle Me Not

Forever Thankful

Healing, Honesty, Positive Attitude, Self-Awareness

Today was a typical Thanksgiving in my family. My stepmom and my dad buy all the food, do all the meal prep, and cook everything. I stay on stand-by to help where I can, chopping up vegetables for the veggie tray, setting the table, and getting last minute things done before visitors arrive. In between, I try to distract my 4 year old with toys and cartoons and fend off the attitude of the 10 year old.

The parents like to do the cooking, and so they do. I could do it. I have done it in the past. But for now, I will just relish the fact that they are here and healthy and doing what they love to do, even if it wears them out. This is how they show their love. I just clean as many dishes as I can at the end of the day.

Last weekend, a close family friend passed away. She was in her mid-50s, had cancer, and is one of the most memorable people I’ve encountered in my life. She was very real, and very giving. I know my parents are hurting. She is the 4th person close to this family to have passed away in the past year since I’ve been living here. I feel like it’s been an ongoing grief train around here. It’s all so sad, yet it makes you stop and think, and appreciate life much more. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

And with that, I look at my life and I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’m proud that I’ve advanced my career so much this year, and I’m doing well with raising my kids, and I’m healthy. Tonight, I was looking at some past photos I had posted online from about 6 years ago. Originally, I just wanted to see how much my little girl has grown and wanted to soak in the memories of when she was little, but a flood of anxiety washed over me with each photo I encountered with my ex-husband in them. We “looked” so happy, and he “looked” sincere, and I was there and feel like it was an out of body experience that I was ever in that space at that time trusting that man. Knowing what I know now and the timeline of his infidelity, I became disgusted by each smiling photo of us. Of course I didn’t know then. But I did. Deep down I knew something wasn’t right, and even when I spoke up, I backed down in doubt of myself if the conflict I faced from him was too great. He didn’t beat me, he didn’t even directly verbally abuse me, he just manipulated each opportunity he had to ensure I doubted myself in his favor. And it worked.

I am thankful today that I have faced my self-doubt and anxiety over the years, and I’ve stopped giving my power away. With all the death that has happened this year, the best death of all was that of my self-doubt. Death makes you appreciate life; however, in life many fear death. I am forever thankful for this life and intend to live it using the gifts and talents that I know I have. The woman that passed away last week, she used to enter a room like a bright ray of sunshine. She owned who she was and she positively influenced others around her. I can still feel her energy and hear her voice – she was so sincere.

I want to raise my kids to know this lesson I’ve learned as a basic life truth. Self-doubt is destructive to the life we want. It is a silent killer of the sweetness of life.

I’ve slowly become my own ray of sunshine. It has taken weeks, months, years, but I’m living in my own best interest these days and it feels good. I’m forever thankful that I’m in a better place this November than last year. I can’t wait to see what next year brings.

Stifle Me Not

Falling Forward

Healing, Moving, New and Unknown, Positive Attitude, Taking Charge, Uncategorized

And just like the wheel is turning forward again. More baby steps into the great unknown…

I gave myself until November 1st to have a down payment ready for a house. After saving my butt off for the past two months, and venting to my sister that I can’t wait for time to speed up one night, she graciously offered me a “gift” of the rest of my down payment (and that I can pay her back as it makes sense).

Uh, what? Just like that my little sis is ready to write me a check. I would have never asked her for money like that ever. She’s the little sister. I’m the big sister. I hinted at it to my mom, and to my dad, but they didn’t bite…but I was simply whining to her, not asking for a hand out.

I took it, with full intention of continuing to save my butt off so that I can pay her back sooner than later. And just like that I was pre-approved this weekend to buy my own adult house.

The house hunting has yet to begin. That likely starts this weekend. I’m full of all kinds of emotions – excited for sure, a little scared (I’ve never owned a home on my own), and just a tiny bit anxious about the market and the pressure and the stress. I’m in a good place with my stress level in life. I want this to be good stress. I don’t want to settle. I want to make a good decision for me and my kids. I’ve been “homeless” (okay, a 40-year old living with her parents) for the past 1 year and 1 month. The time has come.

I’ve come so far. I can’t give up now. “Life’s a journey, not a destination”… yea yea, I know, but getting a nice cozy comfortable home where I can be me (and my kids can be them) is somewhat of a destination for me. It’s a destination of a new beginning. It’ll be proof to myself that I broke the cycle of bad decisions (or lack thereof) and that I’ll be living for myself, finally.

It’s the first day of fall, and I’m falling forward… It’s my own movement that will take me to where I need to be.

Stifle Me Not

Gifts Coming Full Circle

Hope, Learning, Motivation, Moving, Old Patterns, Positive Attitude, Self-Awareness, Taking Charge

This week I talked to a mortgage broker and we made a plan for when it realistically makes sense for me to get pre-approved to buy a home. I could do it now, but I have a few more things to clean up before I go that route. The daily life of living at my parents’ house has not been unbearable. I have the patience and the will power to hold out a bit longer. I have a feeling the payoff will be rewarding. That feeling usually serves me well.

In the meantime, I refinanced my car this week. I asked the mortgage broker to refer me to someone that does car loans. He referred me to a friend of his at a local bank to refinance my car at a good rate. I had to get my ex’s name off of my car loan. When I scheduled the meeting to go sign the closing paperwork, I found out that my first payment isn’t until mid-November (more money to save for a house!) and I got a YETI cooler as a gift. I had no idea about these perks, but it was a welcome surprise.

Now, I’m not here being paid to endorse YETI, but as an owner of this brand’s coffee cup, I will say that I am a fan. I love keeping my hot drinks hot and my cold drinks cold. This brand figured it out and makes quality products in my opinion.

But this situation with the YETI cooler is a bit ironic.

Let me explain.

After being together for 18 years, and married for 11, I found myself becoming increasingly stressed when it came to birthdays, Father’s day, and Christmas gifts for my ex. I have a problem with giving, and over-giving. I give too much of myself and never expect  anything in return. Even if I do expect it, I don’t express my disappointment if I don’t get it. I make excuses for others and go about my business secretly unhappy. My ex knew that. I just figured it out in the last few years. Smart manipulating guy. Naive me (I was too busy thinking of others)… but not anymore.

So one of the last time’s I was stressing about getting him a gift (I think it was his birthday in 2017), I considered getting him the exact YETI cooler (that I just received as a gift for my car loan). Giving big nice gifts had become my thing. I felt like every year I was trying to outdo the last gift that I gave. But each time I would surprise myself and think of something even grander that he would love. And he did, he loved all of it. Well that year I looked into buying him a YETI cooler, and I was about to buy it. I had it picked out and was about to buy it online. But I didn’t. Something was off. I just thought  I shouldn’t spend so much money that year for some reason. Again, a little later I was at a sporting goods store and had the YETI right in front of me and almost bought it. Again, something was off. I don’t remember what gift I ended up getting him, but it wasn’t that. And I wasn’t excited by his reaction when he opened whatever it was that I bought, but I didn’t care for some reason.

I remember thinking later that I’d wished I had gotten the cooler because I wanted it. But whatever, I figured I’d just saved some money and moved on with life.

So now here I am in present day, and I’m relieved that I didn’t buy that damn cooler and listened to my gut. That small little whisper that says “hey, you, what are you doing?”… that little nagging thought that is surrounded by question marks and a weird feeling in your belly…

I recently listened to it again when that asshole was trying to talk me out of buying a home where I’m presently looking. And instead of giving into my frets about him trying to sway my decisions, I called a mortgage broker, which led me to the place where I refinanced my car, which led to my own free YETI cooler and more money for me to save toward my future home.

I’m going to buy a great home, and I’m going to throw a house-warming party with lots of ice and drinks in my YETI cooler.

I’d say this wasn’t just some coincidence. I see you God and your universe angels, quietly looking out for me. My eyes are wide open.

Thank for these gifts that promise cold drinks and peace of mind.

Stifle Me Not