All posts by Stifle Me Not

May 25th Lesson: If I’m Honest with Myself…

Unemployment

I went to pick up my daughter from her last day of school today. I got there a little early in case school let out slightly sooner since it was the last day.

While waiting for my daughter, I was chatting with one of the other moms. Somehow we got on the topic of me being out of work. She asked if I was looking, and I said yes, and she said the restaurant she works at was hiring hostesses.

I was caught off guard. If I had been taking a drink, I would have choked. In my mind, I’ve been making close to six figures for a couple of years now. I had to fight back the reaction to scoff and roll my eyes.

I thanked her and said I considered getting a side job serving until I can get a new job.

The mom looked at me, taking a step back, and says “You served?” Yes, yes I did. I served at a few different restaurants throughout my summers during college. I made good money. It makes your feet bleed, but pays the bills. I got my hands dirty and put up with mean people’s shit quite a bit before earning my degree and making my way into Corporate America.

And then I said something without thinking (which I need to do more often, because when I think too much, it messes me up). I said “Yea, I was thinking about serving for a little bit and take a break from Corporate America. I can’t stand Corporate America right now.”

In that moment, it all occurred to me that I’ve been preventing myself from getting a job.

Not purposely of course. I’ve been applying to quite a few new ones each week and networking when I can. But I believe this is where the law of attraction comes into play (believe in it or  not – I’ve been skeptical myself). You attract what you are.

I do not think I’m ready to just roll into a new gig at ABC Company and make some great strides in the first 6 months to a year. Nope, sounds awful to me. My motivation to please anyone right now (except for myself and my children) is at zero right now.

So today I learned that I may be my own problem in this weekly wild game of job searching. Possibly, no proof yet, but the gut instinct is there. I think I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up so I can move forward with this thing called life.

Stifle Me Not

May 24th Lesson: I have to figure out summer activities ASAP

Motherhood

My daughter’s last day of school is tomorrow. For the first time in, well, ever, I’m not working, my daughter isn’t going to summer camp, and my son is a talking-walking-need-to-wear-him-out machine. I have some activity planning to do or these kids are going to get more than bored, and for the more selfish reason — > I will go insane.

I have been a mom for more than 9 years. I have never really been off of work for more than a week (other than maternity leave) with both kids for an extended period of time.

I know, I know, what kind of mom am I?

Well, I’ve always been of the overworked variety and shared the parenting with my husband. He’s way better at this activity stuff than I am. I’m not used to having to plan anything. Usually, when I’m home, it’s a lazy Saturday morning in front of the TV, maybe some playing in the yard, or a trip to Target or the grocery store. And then it’s Monday morning again and I’m off to the office.

Not this summer. We’re entering Memorial Day weekend on a whole new level.

I’m making a list of things to do with my kiddos. Today I learned that I want this time off to be a blessing, not a curse, and so we’re going to try to make some memories.

Stifle Me Not

 

May 23rd Lesson: Quitting is Not an Option

Learning, Positive Attitude, Rejection

I got another job rejection today. Via email. That was fun. One minute I’m spending some quality time with my son. The next minute I check the one unread email on my phone and my world crumbles. Again.

Luckily my son went out with his dad today, so I had some alone time to recover.

It goes something like this:

What am I doing wrong? Am I doing something wrong? 

How do I not have a job yet? 

Am I too old? 

Am I overqualified? 

Do I say dumb things? 

How is this happening? What can I do to change it? 

[insert ugly crying face and tears here]

I then get a grip and give myself a pep talk. Every. Damn. Time.

Some days I can take a full day to recover. Some days I take a few hours. Today was about an hour and a half. Then I had to pick up my daughter from school. I can’t pick up my kid at school with a tear-stained face and doom and gloom attitude.

Before I knew it, my son was home from time with his dad and it was dinner time. There was no use in moping around.

Tonight I applied to two more jobs.

I’ve applied to 28 jobs since the beginning of March and have maybe talked to two of the employers. I have not had a face-to-face interview with anyone yet. This is discouraging beyond belief. I went from never having time off and making almost six figures to watching the grass grow each day and making more peanut butter & jelly sandwiches than I have ever thought I would in my lifetime.

One things is for certain that I learned today: quitting is not an option. I have to keep trying for my kids. If it was just me that I was worried about, I may have given up by now. But nope, quitting is not an option.

Stifle Me Not

May 22nd Lesson: It’s Not All About Me

Daughter, Learning, Motherhood, Separation, Son

Two nights ago my daughter wanted to talk. Said she felt sad. She’s sad her dad isn’t around every day and night. And I’m sad for her too. Last night, she wanted to talk again. Tears this time. Her dad was around for a couple of hours and then he left. She wished he could stay longer. I’m sad too – for all of us.

Tonight she wanted to talk again. Full blown tears. She’s worried about when we move, she won’t have any friends, she misses her dad, she doesn’t want me to get remarried (even though I’m not dating anyone openly or secretly), and she thinks that I’ll spend more time worrying about her brother than her.

This is harder on her little brain than I realized. Her brain is on overload.

I reassured her that her dad and I will handle the adult stuff and she doesn’t have to worry. I asked her to trust us and we’ll keep her involved and make the best decisions for her and her brother. I could see the weight lifting off of her little shoulders and the anxiety softening from her big blue watery eyes.

This is hard. If I thought there was a chance in hell that he would be a better partner for me, I’d let him back in the door so that this burden wasn’t part of my kids’ lives. All I know for sure is that I don’t hate my parents for getting divorced. I love them the same. And I’m grateful for the new wonderful people that they each ended up marrying. I know my daughter can’t see that now, but she will. I know she will be okay.

She asked me if I cry when she goes to bed. Oh, if she only knew. I just said that I did sometimes. She’s only nine, but she has such an old soul.

My little girl – I want to shield her from everything, but if I do, then she won’t learn from it. She won’t grow from it. I know she has to learn to deal with change and feelings – the good ones and the bad ones. I will help her through it the best I know how.

Today I learned that this new normal is harder on my children than I realized, and it makes me so very sad that it’s not all about me. It would be so much easier if it was.

Stifle Me Not

May 21st Lesson: Cleaning the Mess for Myself

Cleaning, Learning, Positive Attitude, Separation, Taking Charge

I’ve been letting someone else (not) lead my life for entirely too long. If I don’t do it, who in the hell is going to do it?

Yep. It has become more an more apparent that I thought my not-yet-ex-husband was supposed to do this, that, or the other thing. In the meantime, I could have very well taken the lead, and didn’t. And now here I am, cleaning up what I should have picked up long ago. Learning to do things I should’ve learned long ago.

Today I cleaned out the garage. Do you know how many times I’ve cleaned out the garage in the 10 years that I’ve lived here?

Never. Nope. Not once.

That wasn’t one of my jobs. I just parked in the garage and got annoyed if I didn’t have enough room in the garage. I expected my husband to do it because it was a dirty man job. I worked, and I had my home wife jobs that I did, so why in the hell would I ever clean the garage?

My son was playing in the driveway and I got fed up staring at all the mess and dead leaves in the garage. I  got a lawn bag for leaves, a trash bag for trash, some boxes to categorize things, and got to work. I hung up yard tools, moved the snowblower to the back of the garage (since its May), put all of the toys on one side, cleared off a shelf for gardening items, consolidated things in boxes, and swept out the musty dirt and leaves.

And now I know what crap is in there and what isn’t. I had no idea about half of the stuff that was in the garage. Now it feels like its my garage and not someone else’s.

I also started cleaning up a corner of the basement that is most definitely the mess of my not-yet-ex-husband. It’s where he has dumped his tools and post-project trash for years. It just sits there and collects dust and dog hair and pisses me off every time I pass by it on my way to do laundry. I’m an organized person by nature, but when I know I have nothing to do with a mess, I am hands off and I will let it grow mold before I own it.

The garage cleaning motivated me. I went in the basement to switch a load of clothes and ended up getting a trash bag and some boxes and just started organizing the giant pile of man mess. It’s not done yet, but it’s enough of a start that I have a clear path to finish. Maybe when I’m done the entire basement will feel like it’s mine and not someone else’s.

Today I learned that I can take charge of a mess (even if its not mine) and make it nice for myself. If I don’t do it, who in the hell is going to do it?

Stifle Me Not

May 20th Lesson: Without Trust, Love is Lost

Learning, Love, Separation, Trust

Today it has been seven months since I told my husband to leave our home. And he left without a fight. Just like that the house was eerily quiet and I was alone with my sleeping children in their beds. I made my decision.

I didn’t do it on a whim. I found him asleep on his recliner. His phone was laying there on his chest. I picked it up to charge it for him (no really, I did just want to charge it), and I see a text message from a recipient I did not recognize. I know the code to his phone, so I check out what this text message was about. It was enough evidence to change our lives forever.

I took an entire 24 hours to reflect on the past 10 years, I asked him one last question, and then I made the choice.

I don’t make important choices quickly.

It then took me a full week of wanting to throw up daily to make an appointment to see a lawyer. I’m a thinker. I must be sure that I’m making the best choice for me.

The biggest factor that helped me make my decision was this: What advice would I give my daughter or son years from now if they were in my same position?

I love my kids more than I love myself. I knew if I really considered what advice I would give to my kids, then that would be best for my own well-being. I struggle with making the best decisions for myself because I easily doubt my gut feeling and talk myself into a different direction that I think “should” be the right decision.

Several times in the past seven months, I’ve wanted to turn to my not-yet-ex-husband when he was around and throw in the towel and give him a hug and tell him to move back and let’s just be good parents and do the best we can.

Do you know where that would leave me as an individual human?

A big pile of comfortable nothing. I would be back at doing the best I can in life for someone that I don’t trust (other than with our kids).

The definition of trust: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

If I can’t trust in my husband, how can I continue to choose to love him? Love is a choice. I’m not sure I can make that choice if my own state of being will be a big pile of nothing.

That doesn’t seem like something I would advise my kids to do.

This man hasn’t shown one ounce of an attempt to gain my trust back. My main observation is that he doesn’t want to. Or maybe he doesn’t know how? (and see, this is how I got myself in this mess – by coming up with well-fitting reasons that justify his behavior). But I’m done with making excuses for his actions. His actions.

He has gone to seek help for himself. He continues to be a caring father. He has been nice and cordial to me. He has helped me with some things with the yard and the house. When I became unemployed, he kept me on his benefits so I wouldn’t be without health insurance. He has worked overtime and has continued to let me take as much money as I need to get by without my paycheck.

He is still caring for his family. But the trust is gone.

And he still blames me for his actions. His actions.

Today I’m learning that the real acceptance is setting in. Sometimes it takes me seven months or so to figure it out. Without trust, love is lost for me.

Stifle Me Not

May 19th Lesson: Rude Ass Behavior Sucks, Just Stop It Damn Humans

Rude Ass Behavior

For the most part, I go with the flow. I’m an introvert, but I’m not shy. I’m not anti-people, but I will say that many people confuse me. However, I’m fairly accepting of people in all generations, races, and ethnicities. I actually try not to label anyone and give people the benefit of the doubt – to a damn fault. Since I’ve had more time on my hands, I’ve had way more time to observe basic human behavior lately. It’s amazing, regardless of color, age, etc., there are so many rude ass people out there.

Here are just a few examples of what I’ve witnessed this week.

Rude Young Non-Gentleman on Cell Phone in Coffee Shop – The other morning I stopped to get a bagel and coffee. As I waited for my order to be ready, a younger guy was on his cell phone as he was ordering, and he was trying to shove his credit card at the cashier as he yapped on the phone and he hadn’t even completed the order. It was one of those do-it-yourself swipe machines, but he just kept trying to give it to her because he wasn’t paying attention. The cashier was trying to instruct him to pay on the key pad swiper thing, but he was too “busy” on his phone to have basic human manners to 1) acknowledge her as a person, or 2) pay attention to how to pay properly. After his order was complete, I was getting a lid for my coffee, and he blindly cut me off. It would’ve been a damn shame if I spilled my coffee on him.

Demanding Lady at the Garden Center – I went to buy some flowers yesterday and it was a mad house. People were so laser focused on their own little world and didn’t have a care in the world for any other human in their path. As I was trying to select the best flat of petunias, this lady was buzzing around huffing and puffing about hooks and her ferns and how is she gonna get this to her car?? She then very directly (and rudely) asked (aka demanded) one of the workers to grab some of her ferns and follow her to her car. He quickly obliged, and she couldn’t have been more ungrateful. Manners lady, manners.

Impatient Older Couple in Hardware Store Parking Lot – I went to buy a garden hose with my two kids today. Sounds like a simple task, right? Well, when miss 9-year old Sassy Face Diva Pants is in tow along with 2-year old I-Do-It-Myself Homeboy, it’s no longer a simple trip through a busy Saturday afternoon crowd. I did it though, mission accomplished.

I get to my car in the parking lot. My daughter gets in the car on her own. I throw the 100-foot garden hose on the ground next to my car so that I wouldn’t let go of my little guy’s hand. I scoop him up to put him in his car seat (in the back on the driver’s side), and I see a older lady staring at me out of the corner of my eye in the parked car directly next to me. I start to move a little faster, not sure if there’s someone in their driver’s seat waiting to back out.

Obviously you shouldn’t back out of a parking spot right next to a momma bear that is trying to safely buckle up her little cub, right?

Wrong!

Impatient ASS white-haired wrinkly man starts backing out of the parking spot right next to me with only like a 2-inch clearance from my open door where I’m leaned over, trying to diligently buckle my flailing toddler into his car seat. As I see the jerk’s car backing out, I kicked my hose under my car so that he wouldn’t run it over. Like seriously, your impatient rude ass couldn’t wait ONE MORE MINUTE!!!!! I glared at him and his very white-haired wrinkly wife and he WAVED at me. No, don’t wave at me. You didn’t do anything that deserves a wave. I started flailing my hands around and yelling at them to be patient people in the middle of the parking lot, and they drove away without a care in the world.

Today, this week, forever – I’ve had it with bad manners. I learned that my tolerance of rude ass behavior is deteriorating. This week’s bad behavior episodes have further reinforced my commitment to be nice and patient, unless otherwise provoked and then I’m going to squawk at you and flap my wings around until I feel better about it.

Stifle Me Not

 

 

May 18th Lesson: Unclogging Drains in Now My Job (gag)

Daughter, Hair, Separation

I had an entire other post written earlier, and I hadn’t published it yet, and then I showered. Yes, I showered, and the water rose up over my feet and my arch nemesis was back – a clogged drain (gag).

And so this is similar to my experience with mowing lawns in the last 10 years. I just don’t. Except in the last seven months, I’ve been forced to fight back my gag reflex and unclog that shit.

My daughter and I have longish thick brown hair. I’m half Italian. So she’s at least a quarter Italian. Clogged drains are a common occurrence in this household.

Oh my god it makes me gag. I hate it so much.

To top it all off, neither of us girls have had our hair trimmed in six months, so its longer than usual. And we’ve been hair-washing more than usual because of the damn Head Bugs Epidemic 2.0 (finally thank you baby Jesus that’s over).

Anyhow, in the past, when there’s a first sign of a clog, this is what would normally happen:

  1. I would almost cry because I HATE knowing that the water covering my feet in the shower is because of clogged hair (So effing gross – yes, I know it’s my hair but still soooo gross)
  2. I would tell my now-almost-ex-husband that the drain is clogged
  3. I would take a few more days of showers (repeat as needed) silently cursing my now-almost-ex-husband for not immediately unclogging the drain
  4. I would nag my now-almost-ex-husband to PLEASE unclog the drain (repeat as needed)
  5. Almost-ex-husband would unclog the drain in seconds, and dump some Drano down that biotch
  6. My next shower would be heaven with no water covering my feet

Tonight was the first night I noticed the drain was clogging. That’s a lie, I noticed it yesterday and hoped it would go away, but it didn’t. When I got out of the shower tonight, I got dressed and immediately unclogged that drain (gagging the entire time) and dumped the Drano.

How easy was that? Now why haven’t I just been doing that all along? It would have saved me steps 2 – 6 above.

From now on, I rely on me (unless my upper body strength is absolutely no match, and then I will suck it up and ask for help). I better start lifting weights.

Today I learned that I can rely on me so much faster than anyone else. I can handle almost anything, even if I’m gagging (as long as there’s no blood, I don’t do blood).

Stifle Me Not

May 17th Lesson: Pulling My Thought Weeds and Proud Me

Positive Attitude, Yard Care

I did yard work from 10 am to 5 pm today. I took a break for lunch and put my son down for a nap, but I was on a mission. I wanted to fully weed the flower beds so I can put flowers in and mulch down tomorrow. Then I mowed the entire yard.

All I could think as I was weeding is that it was like navigating thoughts. If you don’t consistently get rid of the bad weeds, they will take over the flower bed and everything will be a mess. If you consistently pull out the bad weeds, it may be constant work, but its manageable and the flower bed stays maintained.

Okay, I’m over analyzing weeds. I need to get a life.

I’ve been trying to not be negative lately. Sometimes its hard to stay positive, and I don’t think I really have to be all “I’m great!” and be all overly positive. I sort of just want to punch overly positive people in the face. How negative is that? Anyway, I’ve been trying to just not let negativity overtake my mind. Yesterday was rough because I was feeling nothing but rejection from every direction. Today I was overthinking and making weed analogies, but at least I don’t feel like an emotional pile of dog poop.

By the time I was done weeding, it was 4 pm and I was beat. My back was aching from being bent over all day. My quads were on fire since I literally did squats all day. And my hands felt like they were in a permanent state of carpel tunnel. So what did I do next?

I mowed the lawn.

I’ve already mentioned that I’m a lawn mowing newbie. This is only like the fourth time I’ve mowed the lawn on my own. Yes, ever. I was 21 years old when I met my husband. I lived in some sort of apartment and rented throughout most of my 20s. I was 27 years old when we bought the house I live in now. And 11 years later, this is the only house that I’ve ever personally owned, and I just never had to mow the lawn. I have always been the housekeeper and the gardener, but not usually the lawn maintenance person.

I may talk about lawn mowing like 50 more times on my blog, so let’s just prep you for that right now.

I feel like I’m finally starting to get the hang of it. My not-yet-but-soon-to-be-ex-husband took the kids to the park so it was just me and lawn mower. Mr. Lawn Mower started up on the first attempt and I happily trotted around the yard like I finally knew what I was doing. I even knew when the bag was full of grass and emptied it before blasting grass clumps all over my lawn.

As I moved to the backyard, I just couldn’t help but be glad that I’m in decent physical shape. This day kicked my ass, but I could handle it. I was counting my blessings that I have a healthy fit body,. This crap is hard work. I will say that I have a newfound respect for all the work my husband has been doing on the yard all these years, but he’s double my weight and has quite a bit more muscle mass, so whatever.

It makes me happy when I’m able to get something done that I don’t usually do. It makes me even happier when my not-yet-but-soon-to-be-ex-husband brought the kids home and told me the yard looked nice (with a look on his face like damn, she’s actually is doing it). I really don’t care if he gives me compliments anymore. I don’t trust anything he says. But I still know what he’s thinking. I know what the look on his face was when he gazed out the back door at the nicely mowed lawn.

So, after six long hard hours of yard work, I learned that today I’m proud of myself with my new lawn mowing capability. I know I’m not the first woman on the face of the earth to mow a lawn because her shitty almost ex-husband no longer lives there, but it’s my own little proud moment, so I’ll let that little light shine.

Stifle Me Not

May 16th Lesson: The Rejection is Taking its Toll

Positive Attitude, Rejection, Separation, Unemployment

It has been 6 months since I discovered my husband’s secrets. That was a big rejection for me. For my own well-being, I had to reject him.

It’s been almost 3 months since I was laid off, being rejected from my own place of employment (that I didn’t care for overall, but needed the paycheck).

It is a regular basis that I get automated emails telling me that I’m rejected (in so many words) from yet another potential place of employment.

It is May. It is nice weather. This is the month every year when I start running, but I’m not feeling well. My body is tired, my sinuses are clogged, my head hurts. My body is rejecting me.

You would think that clearing all of this negative energy from my life would help lift me up, and some days it does, but I am learning that all the rejection is taking its toll on my body, mind, and spirit.

“I will get through it,” says my stubborn brain to all of this rejection.

Stifle Me Not